Dear Warrior {08-21-12}

Dear Warrior...

Some really amazing things have happened in the past 24 hours.

1. I slept alone with the lights off for the first time in ages - perhaps even the first time this year. In the past, I always (a) slept with the lights on, or (b) had someone else in the room with me.

2. Cried in front of another human being. Granted, I apologized about ten times for it, but still. Considering I used to think it a sin to cry in front of people, I'm making progress.

3. This is a sort of follow-up to the previous point. I verbally stated "It's okay to cry," then proceeded to bury my face in my hands and exclaim, "I can't believe I just said that!" But it was a happy sort of disbelief, I think. :)

4. When I get sort of depressed, I can barely eat. This morning, I tried to eat a Pop-Tart and started gagging because my stomach can hardly handle food when I get in these moods. Still, however, I ate that Pop-Tart and ate lunch and dinner, too. As well as dessert. Things are looking up!

5. I prayed. Enough said.

6. I allowed myself to sing along to the songs on the Christian radio. I don't think I've mentioned this, but I used to avoid Christian radio, because I thought I was too unworthy to listen to it. Today, however, I both listened and sang!!!

7. I admitted that "I'm not fine," which was the event that brought on the onslaught of tears. And believe it or not...it felt so good to admit that yes, I'm struggling right now.

Of course, I did some things that didn't aid my road to freedom. Things like the fact that I waited until late morning to write in my prayer journal. Things like apologizing all over myself as a twisted, psychopathic form of self-soothing. Things like forcing myself to feel guilty for crying, though that only lasted for a little while before I decided to try to be okay with crying.

Because I'm an all-or-none type of person, it'd be easy to look at today and beat myself up for the things I did wrong...and totally ignore the things that actually were pretty good, by God's Grace. But I'm working on shoving aside the all-or-noneness. With God's help, I'm trying to stop seeing everything as either all light or all dark.

Unless you're some superhuman that doesn't ever make mistakes, your day has been like mine. There have been good things...and there have been bad things. There have been things you've done well...and there have been things you've gone and messed up. If you're like me (kudos to you if you're not!!!), you might tend to fixate on what you did wrong and totally disregard what you did right. But that's gonna do absolutely zilch for your fight for freedom. You did good stuff. You did bad stuff.

And there is Grace. Grace far more than enough to cover it all.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day of black, white, and grey. Let's move forward.

The End

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