I keep looking around me (still trying to put comparisons to rest, ugh) and watching as my friends make beautiful steps toward freedom.
And then, I look at myself.
I'm fighting. Oh, yes, I am fighting with all my heart. I am not giving up the fight. But I am gaining absolutely no ground lately. The past few weeks have been a matter of barely keeping my head above water. I have done nothing but tread water for quite awhile now.
And it doesn't make sense! Here I am, doing everything in my power, to be free, and yet I'm struggling. So badly. Yes, I am struggling with every fiber of my being. The devil does not want me to have any victories. It is all I can do to hang on. It is all I can do to be a warrior. My pain is great, and my disappointment in myself is greater still. I'm barely hanging on...
Yes, I've made mistakes in the past three weeks. I'm not suggesting that I haven't. Nor am I suggesting that freedom only comes once a Christian stops sinning. What I'm saying is that I am growing so, so weary.
I AM SO FLIPPIN' TIRED OF DOING NOTHING BUT TREADING WATER!!!
But, wait. Wait. I'm not sinking. I'm not regressing. I might not be taking steps forward...but actually, isn't not falling backward taking a step forward? In the spiritual sense, I think it is. When it comes to God, mindless philosophy aside, I think that not being defeated is, in itself, a victory.
Treading water is better than sinking.
So as long as I'm fighting with all my heart, as long as I'm completely sold-out to the cause of freedom, I will not beat myself up for merely "treading water." And one day, one beautiful day, I will look back and realize how far I have come.