Now that you know what the past while has been like, I can tell you what I've been meaning to tell you (no, dinner didn't take that long for me to eat, hah).
Today, as I watched my mom walk around in one of the most dejected moods I've ever seen her in, I felt so guilty. How dare I mention family therapy? Now, I've only gone and made things worse! My plans for getting together with my friend probably fell through because God is punishing me for making my family so sad. This is all my fault! And maybe my friend is right! Maybe I am responsible for her problems...
I went up to my bed and lay down, almost crying, but not allowing myself to. I just need to be perfect. I just need to be perfect. I just need to be PERFECT!
I knew I was doing the wrong thing by thinking those thoughts, but I didn't care. I muttered to myself, "I just need to be perfect, and then I'll be good." If I'm perfect, then I won't be such a bad, awful, sinful, wicked, weak person!
I almost gave up. In that moment, I almost gave up.
But I didn't.
I decided that I'd keep fighting. That I did the right thing in bringing up family therapy, because I honestly think it'd be beneficial. That I am not to blame for my friend's problems. That God was not punishing me by making my plans fall through today.
Sometimes, freedom is an conscious decision that you have to actively keep making. No, let me take that back. Freedom always is, or at least always in my experience, a conscious decision that you have to actively keep making. Sometimes, you have to make the choice less frequently. Other days, you have to keep making that choice, every moment of every day.
But it's a choice worth making, because it's a fight worth fighting.
Warrior, let's keep soldiering on. Even though the war gets rough, even though we sometimes may taste defeat, we will keep persevering, because we have been called to greater things than bondage.
I will not allow the title "perfectionist" to dominate me. I will not allow any self-given titles to dominate me. The only titles I will acknowledge those given to me by God. I'll keep abandoning that second list.
Let's keep fighting. And, by the BEAUTIFUL GRACE OF GOD, let's never return to our chains.