A Journal Entry of Later 08-02-12


God, I confess.

I confess that I turned, once again, to the arms of self-harm. I confess that I relied on pain as a way to deal with my pain, instead of coming before your Throne and asking for deliverance. I confess that I broke my promise to You. And I come before You, wounded both figuratively and literally, because I seek forgiveness, restoration, and Love.

In the past, I promised I wouldn't self-harm. Those promises were built on the basis of fear and condemnation. And THAT is why they failed. So now, I promise to never self-harm again...not because I'm afraid or condemned, but because I truly, TRULY LOVE YOU. God, I am falling in Love with You. Everytime I self-harm, I blatantly reject Your Love. And Lord, I don't want to be an unfaithful Bride. So I make a commitment to never again self-harm, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

I still feel a lingering twinge of guilt over what happened, but that is in the past. I have confessed, asked for forgiveness, and made a promise that'll last...there is nothing but Grace.

The two most recent scars...they mock me, reminding me of the war I've lost. I cannot believe I caved in...

But where sin abounds, Grace does MUCH MORE abound. God, I'm banking on Your Promise of Redemption and Restoration.

The purpose of this war is for You and me to win...so I will fight, and this time, I will NOT accept defeat. EVER. I WILL be victorious; I WILL know full freedom.

And I will not be destroyed.

Struck down...but not destroyed. NEVER destroyed. My Savior, YOU keep me from destruction. Yes, I self-harmed, but that is a part of the past that I WILL let go of. I WILL move forward...I will NEVER give up.

You, Lord, Are my Love, my Life, my Joy, my reason for living. And Honey, even though I have failed You and will have to see the self-inflicted scars, I know that You reach for me...Your Hands scarred by wounds made necessary by my own sin, part of which was the self-harm of today.

Yes, it was YOUR scars that healed mine.

Tomorrow, it's very possible that I'll wake up in the arms of guilt. But I will fight against guilt, because I am blameless. And nothing - NOTHING - can take that away from me. I WILL know FREEDOM. I will chase it to the absolute END! Things will not be EASY, but they WILL BE A PERFECT PART OF YOUR PLAN FOR ME. And THAT is why I soldier on, even when it gets to where it looks nearly impossible to carry on, without breaking.

And I will be free...I WILL be free. I have no choice but to be free! This is my calling, my destiny, and I will not - I CANNOT  - even THINK about giving it up. I have not come this far, only to give up!

Your Forgiveness...I am so, so unworthy of it, but still, it is mine.

Thank-You...I Love You.


The End

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