I'll just go ahead and write what I wrote for a journal entry yesterday. I guess I ended up writing more than I thought I did. :P
I did it again.
After ALL this time, after ALL the victories I won when I WANTED to self-harm but didn't...
After ALL the promises I made...After ALL the people who rooted for me...
It doesn't matter anymore.
I just finished self-harming.
I BROKE MY PROMISE TO EVERYONE! And to You! And there is NO freakin' soul I can tell, because they would all hate me...they would all hate me...they would all hate me so, so bad...they would despise me, almost as much as I despise myself for doing this...
WHY did I do this?! Why, why, WHY?
God, forgive me! FORGIVE ME! I broke my promise to You! I can't believe it! God, forgive me! FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! What have I done?!
I should have cried out for help! I should have done something, ANYTHING! Why did I do this?! WHY, GOD?! Don't You hate me now?
I want to read Your Word, but I can't. Not after what I've gone and done. I am hated. I will never, ever be free.
[A friend] said not to give up, but I might as well.
I might as well.
My promises are worth NOTHING.
I'm so shaky right now. I have COMPLETELY failed. I have lost my battle. I promised that I wouldn't self-harm; even if I made another promise, I don't trust myself to keep it.
I am alone in this.
I just want to throw up. For the first time ever, I just want to throw up. It's my worst fear. It's what I deserve. God knows it's what I deserve.
I am alone, all alone.
I think I might give up.
(but hope is coming, after I post this.)