On my way back from work...that was when the emotions hit me.
I. couldn't. believe. what. I'd. gone. and. done.
I didn't cry, as much as I wanted to. No, the condemnation constricted my lungs, squeezing the life out of me. I'd gone out of my way to avoid reading the Bible/writing in my prayer journal/talking about God with anyone, but at that moment, I couldn't handle it anymore.
I cried out to God. And He delivered me.
I confessed what I'd done - though He already knew. I'd written in my prayer journal a bit before work, before I decided to ignore God, but those had been the words of the hopeless, of the ashamed. Now, I was talking to God in Faith.
I told God that my previous promises not to self-harm had been made because I was afraid of the consequences. I told Him I'd promised on the basis of fear and condemnation. But now, I made a third promise to God.
"God, I promise I will never, ever self-harm again. But this time, I promise because I love You. No more temporary fills. This promise is based on Love, not on fear. And perfect Love casts out fear."
I asked Him for forgiveness; He gave it. I asked Him for restoration; He gave it. I asked Him for Love; He gave it.
I asked Him for Him, and He gave it.
As I write this, a lot of conflicting emotions run through me. I'm fighting against lots of negative self-talk and feelings of worthlessness over something that happened earlier today, but I am free.
I almost gave up yesterday; I almost yielded to the devil. I almost turned to run from God for good, never to return. But I didn't. I am a fighter. And I will win.