Stab, stab, stab! You know that feeling when it would hurt less to have a knife plunged into your heart than to go through what you're going through?
I'll spare you the details, but a lot of things - rejections, self-failures, depressed feelings (oh, whatever! I think I have depression, so I'll call it such!!!), DEPRESSION, all those little things - have added up to an insane degree.
Oh, by the way, I self-harmed yesterday.
Yes, that's right. It started out by simply (though self-harm is rarely simple) scratching my wrist til it turned red, then grabbing something sharp (I won't tell you what, since I don't want to plant any ideas) and tearing at the skin on my ankle. It was so involuntary. I mean, yes, I could've stopped, but it was like I was in a daze. A madwoman I was, unflinchingly hurting myself over and over and over again until the gravity of what I was doing hit me.
That's the second time I've broken a promise not to self-harm. I dropped the object I'd been using and stared at my ankle, since that was where most of the damage occurred.
Ironically enough, I'd written "fighter" on my ankle the day before. The new scar is right next to that word. I didn't even notice until after I'd gone and self-harmed. It only served to make me feel even worse.
And I got on Facebook. And a friend had posted a status about recovering from self-harm. You have got to be kidding me.
I was shaking, physically shaking, because I suddenly couldn't believe I'd gone and failed like that. Whatever happened to my promise that I'd never inflict physical pain on myself, ever again? Whatever happened to God being the only thing I needed?
I didn't allow myself to think about what I'd done; I was right about to go into work (I got a job at a pizza place, yay! heh), and I didn't want to be an emotional wreck when I got there. So I did another stupid thing and blocked off all my emotions. Some people say that you can't turn emotions on and off like a lightswitch. Well, guess what. I can. So there.
My first instinct was, Nobody needs to know about this! Not my family, not my friends, not my therapist, not my fellow writers, not anybody! I shoved away all my feelings and went into work feeling totally okay.
On the way to work, my favorite song came on the radio - "Strong Enough to Save" by Tenth Avenue North. Talk about crazy!
Anyways, I'm going to write more, but I'm going to go ahead and post this so that I don't chicken out and erase everything I've written thus far.