"I hate people and I hate feelings and I hate talking and I hate talking to people about feelings."
I wrote that awhile ago in my prayer journal.
Right now, I just want to withdraw from every relationship. Where there are no relationships, there are also no rejections, right? Right?
I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I'm venting all these emotions, if I hate talking as much as I claim I do. I guess I'm tired of watching friendships crumble, of watching people leave me (whether they're leaving me for my sister or they just plain don't care anymore), which has happened more times than I care to count (though I actually have counted before, and it's a pretty big number).
And my natural tendency is to run from things that could potentially hurt. How human of me - to avoid the beauty of relationships, just to insure that I will not have to know the pain of rejection.
Let me quote something from C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves. It says: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell."
Warrior, withdrawal from relationships might seem safe. Hiding your emotions from the ones you love and refusing to share your heart with people who love you might feel like the smartest thing in the world. But it's not. I remember when I went through a time where I told no one about my struggles. I went through my days, merely muddling through, never opening up to anyone. And it was terrible. Safe, yes, but terrible. Humans are made for relationships. And when we are deprived of that, terrible things ensue. If you've been through anything similar to what I've been through, you know what I mean.
So instead of backspacing over all this and chickening out of posting this, I'm going to click the "publish" button. You will know my struggles. It is not weakness to be vulnerable.
And warrior, please. Don't hide yourself away. That's the coward's way out. We both know you're a brave fighter.
And this is worth fighting for.