"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is, there's no one else to blame"
- "Breathe Me," by Sia
I just finished doing penance.
I made up for being a general nuisance. My penance for being a nuisance is canceling plans I've been looking forward to. My heart physically hurts because I feel so awful.
And now, I'm doing penance for doing penance. Basically, I'm not letting myself talk to God because I feel so horrible for canceling the plans.
Which means I'll probably end up doing penance for doing penance for doing penance. Seriously, you can go ahead and laugh, because I realize how stupid this is. I realize how stupid this is, because there's absolutely nothing logical about it. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
And there I go, satisfying OCD urges by writing "I hate this" three times in rapid succession. And I'll do it again. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Oops. I just caved into OCD. Probably means even more penance.
Which will lead to penance for penance. Which will lead to penance for penance for penance.
When it all boils down to it...I'm not strong. WHYYYYYY do I do this to myself?
No. NO. NO! NO!!!!! I am SO done with this! No more penance! No more! No more OCD, either! This has got to stop! Why am I doing this to myself? Doing penance will NOT make me a better person! It is its own form of weakness!
This is excruciating, this decision to stop penance and OCD. Honestly, it feels like someone's ripping away layers of my heart with merciless persistence. But it's worth it.
By God, it's worth it! And I don't mean "by God" in the flippant way - I'm dead serious. It's worth it totally by God and through God and because of God.
Warrior, I'm writing all this because I want you to see that I'm not strong, and that just because I write these warrior letters doesn't mean I don't have losses anymore. I write this because I want you to know how hard it is to let go of old strongholds, ones that harm me.
Please, if I'm letting go of them, you do, too. I don't want to be alone in this. Please, will you join me in this fight?
I'm going to go talk to God. Please, Warrior, stay strong with me...please...