Before I begin, I just want to let you know that I'm at Starbucks right now, and there is an absolutely gorgeous barista here...and he gave me a TON of extra whipped cream WITHOUT ME ASKING. Instant mood brightener!
I'm in the process of feeling extremely guilty. See, I'm going to my cousin's house today. They live out of state, so I rarely get to see them.
But my sister can't go. She's staying behind at our house. And that's why I feel awful.
My sister keeps reassuring me that it's okay, that honestly, she'd rather stay behind and get caught up on some obligations she's gotten behind on (how's that for ending a sentence with TWO prepositions? Take that, OCD!!!). But like the distrustful person I am, I keep telling myself I should've stayed behind with my sister because she's secretly jealous of me for being able to go see my cousin.
Right now, I'm at a Starbucks while I wait for my mom to finish getting piano music (we stopped at a music store on our way here, so that means I'll probably be here for a few hours). And I keep rebuking myself for leaving my sister behind.
Why is it so hard for me to take people at their word? My sister said she'd rather stay behind! Why can't I believe her? Why do I insist upon berating myself for something that she's even said doesn't bother her?
I know why: It's because I'm an idiotic psychopath.
NOOO, I AM NOT.
YES, I AM! My unwillingness to let go of lies just further proves that I am a failure!
No, it doesn't. It just means that the victory is going to be so much sweeter, because I fought all the harder for it.
^^^ The above is a snippet of the unspoken conversation I've been having with myself as I drink my coffee.
And I want to be finished with this. I want to be done believing the lies. I want to be a strong fighter. But to step away from condemning myself...that's scary. It truly is. But I can do it. I can do it, because He has conquered this already.
Okay. I'm going to step away from punishing myself. It feels awful, but I'm going to take the victory in this. Thank-You, Jesus.