I had one goal. One damn goal. But oh, hahah. Guess what! I didn't complete it. I chickened out.
See, I got together with two of my dearest friends today. They're the kind of friends who I feel safe with, who really care about how I'm doing. And I decided that I would be vulnerable with them. That was my goal, going into our time together: that I would be vulnerable.
But guess what! I wasn't. I put walls up around myself and refused to speak from the heart. Whenever the conversation was even remotely directed to me, I deflected their words and changed the subject (which I've gotten pretty good at, by the stupid way). And when we all sat on the couch together, I put an nice space between them and me.
When I got into the car to go home, I broke down and cried.
Seriously! How many times do I have to go through this same battle, over and over and over and OVER again?! What will it take for me to open up my heart and share what I'm struggling with?! But noooo, I had to revert to my old defense mechanism of refusing to share my heart.
And. I. Hate. It.
I pulled over into a Wal-Mart parking lot and poured out my heart to God. I told Him that I'd failed Him by refusing to share my real self with my friends. And I asked for forgiveness. And He gave it. And He even turned "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real onto the radio. And so I'm done beating myself up.
Warrior, I did a stupid thing today by not trusting friends who, time and time again, prove to me that they love me, and that I can be safe with them.
Vulnerability is hard. But I can either choose to be beaten down by the battle I lost, or I can choose to learn from it.
I choose to learn from it.
Because it's so worth it.