I'm going to be gone for a week. I'm going to be on vacation with a friend who is extremely dear and close to my heart. To say I'm very excited is a gross understatement - I am so insanely thrilled! But I'm also afraid.
You see, I had a panic attack two days ago. I felt very sick and kept feeling like I was going to throw up. I remember sitting there, holding my mom's hand. My eyes were squinched so tightly closed that it hurt, and my jaw was locked in a less-than-pretty grimace. My mom kept telling me to "breathe deeply," but I couldn't. At least, I didn't think I could. If you've ever had a panic attack, you might know what I'm talking about.
Anyways, back to the vacation.
I'm afraid because I don't want my friend to see me if I get anxious. I've had a panic attack in front of two friends before, and it's an experience I don't want to repeat. It's not because my friends didn't respond well - goodness, they were as loving and supportive and understanding as could be! They even took a walk around the town with me in the freezing weather just to help me calm my nerves.
No, I'm afraid not because of her, but because of me. I don't want to appear weak. I want to keep everyone fooled by this strong facade.
I don't know what I'm going to do. If I have a panic attack again...oh, my. I don't even want to go there. I even considered canceling the trip because I don't want my friend to have to deal with me.
But I'm still going on vacation.
Warrior, it'll do no good to avoid the thing you're afraid of. I'm not saying you should purposely put yourself in situations you can't handle, but I am saying that you can probably handle more than you think you can. If I'm going to do the thing I'm afraid of, then you can, too. Trust me. You really can.
I'm going to go on vacation, and I'm going to have a marvelous time. This friend is so dear to me, and if I'm honest with myself, I know that she won't love me any less if I get anxious around her. I will choose to believe that she is excited to go on vacation with me, and I will choose to be more excited than I am scared.
I can do this. By God's Grace, I can do this.