All's Well / That Ends Well?

I realise that I haven't made an entry in quite a while, and in doing so have completely neglected any thoughts I had on my exams and the revision running up to it (I was actively trying to avoid the computer...not that it always worked.)

All I can say is that two months is too long to wait for results. The good news is that, for now, I reflect on all of my exams as going very well. Every time I turned over that exam page, I'm glad to say there was no rush of panic and stream of consciousness as such: "I know nothing - what do I do? - I'm a total failure - that clock is irritatingly tick-tocky - oh wow look a fly". Quite the opposite, I even smiled on quite a few occasions, and with a deep breath, wrote like my life depended on it (and it basically did. Sorry for the harsh realism.) I walked out of each pretty much feeling like it was the best I could possibly have done, and pushed away the sudden thoughts of "oh! I could have put that. That was the most crucial part. C - C - C - C I am an average flunky, joy, let me go die in a hole." (Yes, my inner voice is this colourful)

Now it's summer and I'm already bored. The wait is something that I try my best not to think about, and the longer time passes, I reflect on what I could have put instead, going so far as to email teachers about how awful I think I did, listing what I did and didn't put in (to which my Philosophy teacher simply wrote: 'YOU'RE FAB, I KNOW YOU'RE FAB, YOU DO TOO, SO SHUT UP.') It is truly unpleasant to transition so rapidly from positivity to pessisism to near-on existentialism, it makes me wonder what I truly think about my abilities. I won't lie, quite a few times I have acted like an arrogant little so-and-so, and I'm sure others have picked up on it. Most times, I like the state of quietly confident, but every now and then, when you have a really good day, for instance two A* paper grades in one day, I get a certain 'BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP MY FLOURISHINGLY ACADEMIC FEET' kind of vibe about me. Sometimes I like feeling like that, I think everybody is owed that sort of feeling every now and then, especially when in the past, like me, they've been constantly critical of every little thing and crying over low A's (yes, I have done it, and I still do. Don't even get me started on high B's, my subconscious spits on those. Apologies for her snobbiness.)

The truth is, I have to accept, it's all out of my hands now. I did what I needed to do, and now it's up to the marker (doesn't fill me with the best confidence, I've known my fair share of 'rogue' markers...I soon sorted them out, though...>:D) The only concern is that my school has issued a complaint for one of the questions I did, based on "ambiguity". I wrote what I thought was right, and I only hope that it doesn't bring me down. I have high goals, AAA if I'm going to my dream university, and being predicted more than that will help me get through these next weeks. That, and writing, lots and lots of writing :)

The End

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