I want to say that my last month of time at this school ever has been pleasant, leaving me with memories of us all departing happily from each other. I can't say that.
It's natural that every subject teacher is trying desperately to make sure we do what we're supposed to do for our exams this summer. They're in just over a month, and just half of that is our study leave time. Problem is, there's only a certain amount of pressure I can work under. Usually, I can power through, but with several issues clouding that ability (writing, nerves about publishing and exams, not to mention that my confidence issues are pretty low at the moment), I'm struggling to keep a level head. This weekend, I broke down. It was sudden, I just found myself in floods of tears, shaking like a leaf, and throwing my textbooks against the wall. In a completely unproductive turn of events, my father banned me from working this weekend, ordering me to relax, meaning that the five Philosophy essays that came up out-of-the-blue didn't get done.
What worries me more than teachers (I can take teachers, I understand them, they understand me) are my friends. Some of them like to laugh at me, teasing that I'm supposed to be the best, the calm one who deals with everything, the "star" student they sometimes call me (the expectations of such a title I hate). Now, knowing that I'm struggling will probably make them laugh, and in snide comments, I know they'll tell me that others have so much more to deal with than me.
I hate that. Just because I'm usually calm, I can usually handle the work, does that mean in the last four weeks, I don't have the right to stress? That somehow, I should be immune to the voices blaring in my ears from several different angles, each telling me that I have different priorities, when right now, my priority is that I don't lose my mind. I think my friends don't realise sometimes that I'm constantly on edge, because everything has to be perfect, and if it isn't, I do everything I can to make sure it is, even if it makes me unhappy at the time. In the end, being perfect makes me happy, so it always seems worth it at the time.
Today is supposed to be the deadline of all those essays, and honestly, I feel as if I'm teetering on the edge of sanity. I don't want another breakdown, I'm terrified of not being able to control myself. The last thing I need right now is for everything to collapse...