Being Perfect Sucks

It didn't hit me until a couple of years ago that I like things just so. I suppose it comes with the territory of being a writer and realising that even though the written word can never fully match the visualisations in your mind, you'll still give it a hell of a go.

Lately, I've been realising this perfectionist streak more and more often, to the point that it seems to annoy others, and eventually myself. I like to get good grades, so I guess it annoys people when I'm a few marks off of an A* and it upsets me (but I was so close, it's the frustration that does it.) But I've noticed it now because one of my projects came back and it was a low grade, and I mean, LOW. That's not to say it sucked, because it didn't, and it's happened to about twenty other people (there's an enquiry going on, so that's another ball of stress in the playground...) I've been able to realise my capabilities over the years, I know what they are and what they're not. I know what I deserve, and what I'm better at, and I'm now starting to realise how obnoxious that sounds.

It probably sounds stupid, but I really didn't want to be like this. Years ago, I just went along with it. I had a bad grade, I forgot about it and tried again. If that happened again now, I'd probably freak out and put myself under added stress of a retake whilst studying for my current exams.

It's only going to get worse, I know it, and I know I shouldn't. The pressure's off a little since my predicted grades are higher than the required grades to get into the university of my choice, and that should relax me. But it doesn't, because it's the expectation that hurts the most. It doesn't matter if your teacher compliments you or if it's a passing comment from a friend, that's what they expect of you, any more or less can have drastically different repercussions, either happy surprise (which I aim for when it comes for Papa Bear) or subtle disappointment (ABORT ABORT ABORT!)

So this grade is going to get remarked, and I hope this project that I slaved over for months and was told repeatedly that it was worth more than it was given, is done justice. Problem is, I have a feeling that sooner or later, it's going to go to my head.

And I don't want that.

The End

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