This isn't the person I wanted to be.
Or at least, a while ago, I could never have foreseen myself doing the things that I have. In a small compartment of my mind, I can justify everything I've done, and many concur with me, trying to keep me in that mentality. But I think that being a writer, I can see myself as I want a reader to see a character, seeing the different angles of their actions and making up their own minds whether they feel sympathy for them, or want to send them to the pits of Helheim.
I've made decisions that have bettered myself, but in doing that, I've sacrificed others. I've cast them aside to be selfish, to get what I want. I thought that grades were hard enough, but giving up a close friend so that you can get a top grade and go to the university of your dreams, isn't what I pictured. Oh, I try and convince myself, I assure you. I look back and realise that I'm a generous person, there isn't a lot that I do for myself, and if I do, it's the small things that mean little to others, a lot to me. Without sounding arrogant, I strive in my life to be selfless, but living my life this way sometimes means that I lose out on the bigger things.
So, I did something for myself. I quit this project, leaving one of my friends without a project whilst I continued on my journey for a top mark, that would edge me even closer to an offer from said university-in-the-clouds. I never thought I would be "that girl who sacrifices friends for grades," naively I probably wanted it both ways. I wanted to always be happy, to be clever and loved at the same time, but now I see that the balance is something that will tilt and tip for the rest of my life, and I'll probably never get it right for longer than a couple of immaterial seconds.
My teachers try and tell me that she'll be gone from my life in a few months, that's just how it works, whereas my future is my future, and now is the time that I decide whether I want to shape it for myself.
Why shouldn't I?
Why shouldn't I be able to be selfish to get this? I work hard, I have a passion for my work and for my subjects that is difficult to express regardless of how many nouns I may know. I love being different for others, but now I yearn to be around those that understand me, and those who feel the same as I do. I might regret it, I might hate not standing out at the beginning, but maybe that will just make me want to be better, weirder, more unique.
Isn't that a good thing?