I did not have a good week at all.
Okay, I lie a little, I did not have a good second half of the week. It all culminated in a hysterical morning involving crying in the bathroom for ten minutes, then collapsing in the sixth form lobby when I thought I was okay, when I clearly wasn't.
A lot of things have happened this week, so fast and intense that I don't wonder how it took its toll on me. I like to think I'm good at controlling my emotions, but usually I feel as if one little thing could tip me over the edge, and most times, that little thing fortunately eludes me. Ironically, what tipped me over the edge was receiving a bad rating on The Element Adventures, whether it was purposely a rate-hate or somebody who didn't have the courtesy to tell me why they wanted to rate me down. Either way, I'd had enough.
This doesn't make much sense unless I explain, so here goes.
Our school has this feature of sixth-form which is the EPQ (Extended Project Qualification), which is worth half an A-Level (so, a lot.) It's usually a 5,000 word essay, and seeing as I plan on spending three more years at university writing essays, I went up for it, though in a different manner. I entered as a group, and our aim was to make a horror film. I was screenwriter, one friend costume and make-up, another music (or so I thought) and a final friend the director. A lot of things have gradually gone wrong, but being the screenwriter, I counted my part as important and ploughed ahead. I finished the script, but the film wasn't getting done, despite having brought in film equipment and starting to organise a cast.
The stress was getting to me this week, and I was wishing to ask my coordinator what to do, when she dropped a bombshell which has actually turned out in my favour.
She signed me off. Essentially this means that I've finished my part of the project while the others haven't, and she was afraid that having a part unfinished project with a four week deadline, it would bring my grade down. I'd been convinced from the head of the projects that I would have a low grade without a film. However, I was told by my teacher that my work was ample, and it was worth a top mark. I was in disbelief, until she produced a prospectus for a creative writing course at a respected uni and showed me that I had actually written the equivalent of a dissertation...four years too early.
However, getting this grade comes at a price. By pulling out, by leaving it so that no film can be made, I thought I'd put two co-workers out of a project (seeing as theirs rides on mine.) I spent an hour crying in my teacher's office because of how selfish I felt, though every single teacher since has told me that I have to be selfish. Getting into my first choice university means I have to stand out as much as possible, that means that alongside getting my predicted 2A*'s and an A, getting an A* in an EPQ, plus the volume of writing I've done over the years, plus a knock-out statement, plus my extra-curricular work, makes it easier to get in.
Events happened, one of my friends was understanding, since she can still do an EPQ with some work-around. My other friend is...for want of a better word, screwed. And it's all my fault.
I understand if she's angry, but what I don't like is that she's angry at me. It wasn't my choice to pull out, I was forced, but now she's ignoring me, somebody who I'm close with and two I spend two lessons out of three with (where we always partner.) I heard today, something else which pushed me over the edge, that she hates me.
I've never been hated before, or if I have, I've been blissfully ignorant. This drives me insane. I know that not everybody will like me, but this hatred is based off something that feels out of my control, and she won't even let me explain. Now she glares at me, rolls her eyes, walks out on me, sits on the opposite side of the room, and walks out when I walk into a room. I can't take all of this negative energy, without trying to bore everybody with my spiritual talk, I don't need this bad energy around me, it messes up my energies and stops my positivity. I refuse to get angry, I came close this morning with the rate-hate, and the last time I got truly angry, I nearly became violent, and I refuse to let myself become this person again.
So...to sum up, I want to rest this weekend. I was made better by a 20 minute phone conversation with my dad (all I can do seeing as he's away on business), but all I can say is, I hope Monday comes around really slowly.