This weekend was not easy. I spent the Saturday morning glum and crying, which is not something that happens to me often. Trust me to be upset over something that others will find unimportant, just one moment made in passing months ago that I have remembered unlike everybody else. Despite all of that, the words have wounded me like a knife with a hundred edges and dimensions.
"I can't be bothered."
What context was it made in? University, growing up, losing friends, take your pick. I'm not naive, I don't expect to be in contact with every single friend that I've made when we all go our separate ways to university or work, it wouldn't be a fresh start otherwise. Still, I'm sentimental, I always will be, and the idea of losing contact with the friends that I love, it physically hurts. It makes me sick to the stomach to not imagine them in my life in some shape or form, like a person cut from a photograph. I want to feel as if I have given them as much as they have given me, that after years of memories, good and bad, it meant something. Maybe my friend didn't mean it, maybe she was annoyed that day and wanted me to stop talking about it, but sometimes I don't think she realises that some of the things she says make me feel horrible inside. This comment was one such.
Do I mean that little to her? I say that with an element of anger, but mostly I'm consumed by sorrow. I look back on all of the things we've been through together, how we've reminisced and laughed. The term "best friends forever" was adapted to something more realistic a while ago, I like to call them my sisters, because for all that I've shared with them, that's how I imagine it to be. Suddenly, for them to say that they can't be bothered to talk to me, that they would just toss me aside once they're done with me brings back all of those insecurities that I thought I'd put behind me.
I mean nothing.
I'll make an effort, I'll try with all of my soul to keep those ties, because that's how much they mean to me, because I've placed some value on those years. Alright, so a new life might complicate things, but amongst that I would try. I would at least swear to them then and there that I would do my utmost not to lose them.
For them not to tell me the same, I can't help but think...is that really friendship?