Chavs in Chinatown: Inspired by EdMature

Basically, my friend Ed (who is Chinese by the way) underwent a brief and most ungracious verbal assault the other day by a boorish, racist, and thoroughly uncouth young man. Basically a chav called him a chink amongst other things. So I wrote this for him. Enjoy.

I'm fuckin bad me. Yeah wot?! You star'in blad? Di'n't think so. Fuck yeh. I'm fuckin hard with me crew. Gonna like, have a smoke and a drink in the park yeh. Cruise chinatown like, beat up some fuckin Asians yeh. It's cuz we're hard in our trackies and shaved heads and our hoodies like, badass man. Fuck. Yeh.

Fuckin sweet n sour yeh! Get me sum noodles yellow woman! Yeh, we're hard so we can like, scream at anyone we like. Come on soy sauce, what you lookin at?! Go back to fuckin Hong Kong yeh! Come on, think you're Jackie Chan like, kung fu shit? Hey, mate, I chink I know you. Hahah, I'm so funny. I'm hard me...

***

This guy... Really can't shut up can he? Screaming at passers-by like that. How sad. It's pretty pitiable he has nothing better to do with his life. I'm Chinese, so what? Leave it out, my friend. Actually, You're really starting to piss me off...

***

Reckon I'm startin to piss this guy off. It's cuz I'm hard. Come on, ya gonna get your karate kid out on me yeh?! What ya gonna do Hong Kong fooey?! Can ya see where you're goin with slitty eyes like that yeh?! Ugly faced fuck...

***

Dude, Karate is Japanese, Hong Kong fooey isn't a phrase in any language and don't start talking about how I look with piercings like that...

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Yeh, keep walkin little chinaman! Pussy! All you chinks are pussyholes! and I'm fuckin hard me...

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I'm not walking away from that. Alright, you're picking a fight. Bring it...

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Eh-up! You star'in blad?! Come on then. I'mma fuckin one-bomb ya...

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Well, aren't you slow. Time to go to work...

***

Oh shit...

***

Step off line, relaxed stance, pak sau, slapping block. Backfist to temple, strike to the throat. Enveloping the arms, entering the centreline. Palm-heel to the jaw, chopping to the carotid arteries running up the neck. Hook fingers into earring, rip. Drawing the head, striking the solar plexus, hooking elbow to the nerve centre behind the ear. Full head control. Knee to the body. Twisting to the rear, drawing the motion. Cut. Rotational throw. Job done, don't get up...

***

Fuckin... my neck... fuck... My knife. Fucker, I'm gonna...

***

Knife attack. Maintain distance, hold posture low and centred. Wait for a wider swing or unbalancing lunge.

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Fuckin STAB...

***

Straight thrust. Step to the outside, guiding the uncontrolled arm downwards. Smash to the nose. Control the knife hand, supinate the wrist to break grip. Twist to cause spiral fractures. Thrust kick crushing the patella, hyperextending the ligaments and destroying the knee joint. Angry chav totally incapacitated. Silly ignorant creature. Doesn't he know we all do kung fu?

The End

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