[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall]
Draco:I wonder why Dumbledore called this assembly.
Goyle:It’s probably something really important, like (s) telling us who did you hair.
Draco:Yeah, it’s the same place as-
[Dumbledore saunters in]
Dumbledore:(sassy s) Silence!
[Everybody goes quiet]
Dumbledore:Now (flicks hair back), there is no reason to be afraid. As long as I am here, Hogwarts will continue as usual. That said and done (hand on hip) it is the moment you’ve been waiting year round for, it is the (yelling with flourishes) RANDOM ANNUAL FASHION SHOW!
[Lights dim and a disco ball pops out of the ceiling. Music starts. Students go mad. Lavender Brown starts to strut down the catwalk that has “magically” appeared]
Dumbledore:And here we have the ever so fabulous Lavender...
[Fudge walks in. Music stops]
Fudge:(bored) You’re coming with me, Dumbledore.
[Dramatic music. Dumbledore is escorted out by Fudge. All students start to sob]
[Harry and Ron are in the hospital, crying over Hermione’s “deathbed”. Hermine is still clutching are particularly large book]
Ron:I... I don’t know if I can take anymore of this, Harry. What will life be if Hermione is (s) dead?
Harry:Hey Ron, what’s (s) that? (Dramatically points to book in Hermione’s hand)
Ron:Oh, I thought that was just her hand.
[Harry opens the book. It reads:
“So, obviously the monster that is attacking everyone is a basilisk who’s been getting around the school using the pipe system and last time it killed Moaning Myrtle so I would think we would go to the girl’s bathroom and again and ask her but the most important thing I found out was... Oh no, I’m petrified.”
Harry:(s) Do you know what this means?
Ron:No, not really.
[McGonagall walks in]
McGonagall:Oh, there you are Weasley. You’re sister’s been taken into the Chamber of Secrets.
Ron:(falls to knees and yells) NO!
Harry:(s) Not my little buttercup!
[Draco and the gang are strutting around the school]
Draco:I’m so (s) happy.
Draco:Because... (s) You’re the best friends I’ve ever had!
Goyle:(s) Me too, (s) me too.
[They walk off, hand in hand, preferably into a sunset]
[Harry and Ron are running full pelt down a school corridor]
Harry:(s) Quickly Ron! Time is slipping away from us!
[Lockhart comes out of nowhere and Harry and Ron crash into him]
Harry:Professor! (s) You can help us rescue Ginny from the unknown monster!
Ron:Don’t be a coward, professor! It’s my (s) sister we’re talking about!
Harry:Oh, shut up and come with us.
[Harry and Ron drag Lockhart away, who is, unsurprisingly, speechless]
[Draco and the gang are sitting under a tree]
Draco:It’s such a nice day.
Goyle:Yes, (s) yes it is.
Crabbe:Who wants to go skinny dipping?
Draco:It’s pretty cold today.
Goyle:And there’s no pond anywhere.
Crabbe:Yeah, but we could still...
[Harry, Ron and Lockhart are in Room 666 aka the girl’s bathroom]
Harry:(s) I wonder how we open it.
Ron:Open (s) what?
Ron:Oh yeah, right.
[Lockhart tries to edge away]
Ron:(s) Oh no, you don’t! (grabs Lockhart by his shirt) Hey, Harry, maybe we have to do a blood sacrifice. (leers at Lockhart)
Harry:Hang on, what’s (s) this?
[Points to really large sign saying “To open the Chamber of Secrets, you have to say “open” in parseltongue at the spot marked “X””]
Ron:That’s even more cryptic than Hermione’s note.
[Moaning Myrtle pops in]
MM:Hiya Ron, hiya Harry! Professor.
Harry:(s) I can’t take anymore of your bad mood Myrtle, just get lost.
MM:Just thought you should know, the “X” is right there (points) . Good luck with the basilisk!
[MM exits, waving merrily]
Ron:She’s such a killjoy. And not the good type, either.
Harry:Hang on. (s) There’s an “X” on the floor over there!
Ron:Good thinking, Harry!
Harry:(s) ... Thanks, Ron.
[They stare into each others eyes, and souls. Romantic music]
Harry:(with obvious effort, tears his eyes away from Ron’s) I think (s) I’m ready.
Ron:I (s) trust you.
Harry:I needed that. Here we go. (Steps on to the “X”) Dayum gurl, open like your momma on New Year’s Eve!
(An entrance “magically” appears. Note: a door opens)
Ron:Move, toad! (pushes Lockhart through entrance)
[Ron and Harry follow. Dramatic music]
[Draco and the gang are laughing, having a picnic.]
Draco:I’ve got one, I’ve got one.
Draco:How many Aurors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Goyle:I don’t know. Why?
Draco:(pause) None. The Dark Lord has killed Aurors with that kind of knowledge by now.
[Goyle and Crabbe burst out laughing]
Draco:It’s so great being the Golden Trio.
[Harry, Ron and Lockhart are in the Chamber of Secrets. Lockhart whips out his wand and points it at Harry and Ron]
Ron:(s) Are you saying that this has all been a sham?
[For some reason, a “wall”, Note: person wearing sheet, appears between Lockhart and Ron and Harry]
Wall:I’m a wall. (starts and continues to sing:) Wall, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall...
Harry:(s) Damn this wall! Ron (s), how will my beating heart ever survive?
Ron: It’s too important, Harry! (s) Go on, (falls to floor) without me!
[“Silence” in which all can be heard is the wall, still singing “wall, wall, wall...”]
Harry:... Okay. (Anguished s)
[Harry turns to leave. Heroic music plays]
[Draco and the gang are at a park, on the swings]
Crabbe:(swinging on a, er, swing) Higher, Draco, higher!
Draco:Gregory, could you?
[Goyle begins to push Crabbe on the swing]
Crabbe:Oh my, you’re so strong, Draco.
[Harry is in the Chamber. Ginny is lying on the floor, Riddle’s diary next to her]
[Harry rushes forward to kneel beside Ginny]
[Tom Riddle appears]
TR:Oh, hiya Harry! Ginny’s been DYING to meet you! Geddit? Anyway, I am Lord Voldemort.
Harry:(s) You’re not funny!
TR:(looks surprised and s) Wrong move, Potter, wrong move.
Harry:What do you mean?
TR:(pause) Yo big ass snake, get out here.
[Basilisk appears, wearing a baseball cap and grills]
TR:You see dis here midget?
TR:Attack him. He be disrespectin’ our gang.
Basilisk:Nobody dare dis ma brotha!
[Basilisk starts to attack Harry]
TR:Ha! Where’s Dumbledore now? More like, Rumbleroar! Because he’s probably sleeping! Geddit?
Harry:(trying to defend himself against basilisk) Dumbledore told better jokes then you!
[Fawkes appears, carrying the Sorting Hat and attacks the basilisk. Note: Is stuffed bird. Throw at basilisk]
[Sign appears: “Meanwhile, in the Hufflepuff dormitories:”]
[Hufflepuff students are all dancing to dub step.]
[Harry is holding the Sorting Hat, still trying to defeat the basilisk]
TR:You can never defeat me!
[Harry takes out sword from Sorting Hat and stabs basilisk. It dies]
Harry:(s) Ye- ah, my arm!
[On Harry’s arm are the basilisk’s grills]
TR:Ha, ha! Nothing can cure basilisk venom! Except for phoenix tears but there clearly is none of those around so...
[Fawkes now “flies” to Harry. Water from the phoenix is poured on Harry’s wound]
Harry:(s) Now, it is your turn to suffer from pain and misery.
[Harry stabs the diary with the basilisk’s grills]
TR:Damnit, I was horcrux.
TR:Never mind. Ah, my arrogance!
[TR dies. Not really, but, you know. Ginny sits up]
[Ginny goes pale and faints]
[In the Great Hall, at the Gryffindor table. Harry and Ron are sitting together]
Ron:Wow, I can’t believe you just (s) freed Dobby! How memorable.
Harry:It was (s) nothing.
[Hermione rushes up]
Hermione:Well done, Harry! Was it because of (s) my note?
Harry:No, that was useless.
[Hermione looks confused. Fred and George come up]
George:Many thanks for saving our sister.
Fred:You truly are one great mister.
[Fred, George and Hermione sit down]
Ron:(turns to Harry) Hey, Harry?
END OF EPISODE SIX
END OF WOEFUL WIZARDS CHAMBER OF SECRETS