[Harry and Ron are leaning over the bedside of the prone figure of Hermione. In her hand is a huge book.]
Ron:Do you think she’ll (s) live?
Harry:I... I don’t know.
[Madam Pomfrey walks past]
Pomfrey:For the last frogging time, she’s not frogging dying.
[Pomfrey walks out]
Ron:I can still hear her voice (starts sobbing)
Harry:(patting Ron’s back) There, there Ron. There’s nothing we can do. (s) Except for go to bed.
Ron:Yeah. (s) Maybe, when I wake up, this nightmare will be over and Hermione will be alive once more.
Pomfrey:(offscreen) SHE’S NOT DEAD.
[Malfoy and the gang are walking down stairs]
Malfoy:Did you hear about Granger?
Goyle:(s) No, is she dead?
Malfoy:No, but close. She’s (s) dying.
Crabbe:(s) She get attacked as well?
Malfoy:Yes. And now she hovers between that uncertain line, life and happiness on one, the void stretching into eternity on the other. Who can say what triggers that fragile net, which so far has carried her into a dreamless state, to fall, casting a shadow so deep and black light cannot pierce it, until at last a ray can be spotted and it is only then we are truly able to recuperate.
Crabbe:Whatever. She deserves it.
Harry is sitting in the Gryffindor common room, alone. Ginny’s diary is sitting in front of him.
Harry:I wonder what Ginny wrote about me...
[Harry opens the book and finding it empty appears to be extremely disappointed]
Harry:I wonder if I should use the diary. (Pause) Well, I do have a lot of (s) feelings.
[Harry writes on paper: “My name is Harry Potter”]
[For the next part, it’s all written down on the diary]
Riddle:Hiya Harry! The name’s Riddle. Tom Riddle.
Harry:You are writing in the same manner I would speak. I immediately have great trust and faith in you.
Riddle:That’s cool, that’s cool. Listen, Iknowthings.
Harry:Like what, master?
Riddle:I dunno whether I should tell you, man. You could shit your diapers.
Harry:I’m almost twelve and perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you.
Harry:Do you anything about the, swivel, Chamber of Secrets?
Riddle:I know so much about that it would make you want toslitheraway.
Riddle:I’ll show you. Writing it down might take to long.
Riddle:Come on, I’ll help you slither in.
[Harry is magically transported to Past Hogwarts. Beside him is Riddle. Note: Now they’re actually talking]
Harry:(s) What is this magical place?
Riddle:Yeah, you better get used to being inside other people’s memories.
Riddle:This is what I want to show you...
[Second Riddle runs past them. They follow.]
[They come upon Hagrid, putting something in a bag]
SR:I know what you’ve been doing.
Hagrid:Pardon, old chap?
SR:The web you have been spinning is closing in around you.
SR:Geddit? Geddit? Anyway, you’re going to be expelled and that creature, Aragog, destroyed.
Hagrid:I protest defiantly.
[Harry is now back to sitting in the Gryffindor common room, diary open. Back to diary writing]
Harry:Hagrid did it?
Riddle:Yep. He sure has been taking you for a spin, hasn’t he?
Harry:(no longer writing)(yelling) NOO! (s) I must (s) tell (s) Ron!
[Harry runs out of the room]
Riddle:(writing) Just kidding, I’m really Lord Voldemort and I set a basilisk on the students, not Hagrid and his giant spider. I was just spinning a yarn. Geddit? Geddit?
[Malfoy and the gang are walking into Potions]
Crabbe:Draco, did you get a haircut?
Goyle:I thought you looked different.
Crabbe:Looks (s) nice.
Goyle:Yeah, like a (s) superstar.
Malfoy:Thanks. I actually went to the same place as...
[Snape walks in]
Snape:(bored) Right, I have the worst headache ever. So, just be quiet for the lesson and noone will get expelled.
Malfoy:(s) What’s the matter, sir?
Snape:I’ve got a hangover, okay? And unless your name is Panadol, I don’t want to hear any noise.
Crabbe:(to Malfoy) Who-?
Snape:Shut the frog up or GTFO.
[Harry and Ron are outside the door of Hagrid’s Hut, being “invisible”]
Harry:(s) Shall I knock or should you?
Ron:I... I don’t know. We could leave this Hut and not like Hagrid anymore.
Harry:I’m (s) scared, Ron.
Ron:It’s okay, Harry. I’m-
[Hagrid opens door]
Hagrid:To whom does that thunderous racket belong? Oh, I daresay, I shall be quite livid-
Harry:Hagrid, it’s (s) me. And (pause) Ron.
Hagrid:Salutations, my dear friends. I endear you to come inside, out of this wretched weather.
[They go inside Hagrid’s Hut and sit down at his table]
Hagrid:And of what subject do you wish to enquire about?
Harry:We know you (s) did it, Hagrid.
Ron:Yeah. Tom told (s) Harry.
Hagrid:I must have misheard. To what am I accused of doing?
Harry:We know about (s) Aragog.
Hagrid:I am speechless.
Harry:Riddle told us. (s) How could you, Hagrid? How could you?
Hagrid:These are all lies.
Ron: (s) I’m so relieved.
Harry:Sorry I ever doubted you, Hagrid.
Hagrid:Now, would you like me to explain your unfortunate pretence? For I assure you as soon as I explain myself, this shall all be forgiven.
[There is a knock on the door]
Hagrid:One moment please, gentlemen.
[Harry and Ron turn “invisible”. Hagrid goes to the door]
Hagrid:Salutations, visitors of my simple- What? What is this?
Fudge:Dreadfully sorry old chap, but I never liked you anyway.
Fudge:Quiet you! Now, come on. I have a dinner with the Queen’s corgis in half an hour.
Hagrid:Walk Fang! And follow the butterflies!
Fudge:For Gringotts sake! STUPEFY!
[Hagrid falls to the ground and is dragged off screen. Harry and Ron become visible once more]
Ron:(hopefully) Did he just say (s) butterflies?
Harry:No, he probably meant spiders.
[Draco and the gang are lounging in the Great Hall]
Goyle:So, Draco, what were you saying before?
Malfoy:About (s) what?
Malfoy:Oh, that. Yeah, I got it cut at the same place as (s)...
[McGonagall walks in]
[Draco and the gang stomp sulkily out the door]
McGonagall:Merlin, they’re annoying.
[Harry, Fang and Ron are in the Forbidden Forest, following a trail of “spiders”]
Ron:(terrified) How much longer, Harry?
Harry:I... I don’t know, Ron. Who knows what kind of perils await us on this vast and unknown quest? We may be stuck here for days and forced to-
Ron:Hey! (s) There’s something up ahead!
Harry:I wonder what it is!
[They come across Aragog and her clan. They stop in front of her]
Harry:So, (s) you’re the one who killed Hermione!
Aragog:Whatevs. That wasn’t me. I mean, like, who can be bothered to like, kill someone? It’s so much effort.
Harry:So, it (s) wasn’t you?
Harry:(evidently confused by her complete lack of proper English) Lol?
Aragog:Soz. It means “laugh out loud”.
Harry:Wow. We’ll have to tell Hagrid.
Aragog:OMG! You, like, know Hagrid? We’re like BFFL’s!
Aragog:Yeah, he like raised me or something. It’s so, like, lame. Anyways, your friend’s been pretty quiet. (giggles) Say something, ranga.
Ron:Why are you orange?
Aragog:You’re so RUDE! I’m gonna kill you for that. Lol jokes, I love you.
Ron:Harry, (s) I’m scared.
Harry:Me too, Ron. (s) Me too.
Aragog:Now, do you, like, wanna play spin the bottle. Because, I’m not, like, a slut or anything, but I would totally give you a blowjob for $10.
Ron:(screams) Help! HELP!
Harry:Now, now Ron, let’s not act too (s) harshly.
Aragog:(starts to cry) Why don’t you think I’m hot?
[The Weasley’s flying car comes out of nowhere]
Ron:Oh, thank Merlin.
[Ron, Harry and Fang climb into the car, it zooms away from Aragog]
Aragog:IS IT BECAUSE I’M FAT?
[In the car]
Ron:Whew. (s) That was close.
Harry:... I suppose...
[The car stops outside Hogwarts. Harry, Ron and Fang disembark. Fang runs away.]
Harry:Well, that was a complete waste of time.
Ron:Why was Fang with us?
END OF EPISODE FIVE