Episode FourMature

Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Epsiode Four

Scene 1:

[Harry and the gang are walking down the hallway, as they always seem to do.]

Ron:(s) Did you get a haircut Harry?

Harry:(s) Why yes I did, Ron.

Hermione:It looks (s) sexy.

Dean and Seamus run in

Seamus:I’ve got really important- did you cut your hair Harry?

Harry: (s) Affirmative. (Stands with hands on hips).

Dean:It looks (s) sexy.

Seamus:Yeah. (Pause)(s) Justin has been attacked!

Harry:(falls to knees and puts hands to head) NOO!

Hermione: (s) Careful Harry!

Ron:(s) You’ll mess up your hairstyle!

[Dramatic music. Seamus and Dean run off.]

Hermione: (s) That’s it. We need to drink the Polyjuice Potion soon before Harry messes up his new hairstyle again.

[Ron and Harry nod. Dramatic music.]

Scene 2:

[Malfoy and the gang are lounging in a corridor. Bet you didn’t expect that.]

Malfoy:(s) I cannot believe what Professor McGonagall gave me for my Transfiguration assignment.

Crabbe:(s) I know. That was so unfair.

Goyle:… but, didn’t you copy it exactly off Wizardpedia?

Malfoy:I… I…

[Malfoy flounces off. Crabbe glares at Goyle.]

Crabbe:(s) Now look what you did.


[Dramatic music.]

Scene 3:

[In Room 666- aka the girl’s bathroom. Harry and the gang are brewing the Polyjuice Potion.]

Hermione:The potion’s almost finished. It just needs one more thing…

Harry and Ron:(s) What?

Hermione:The essence of…

Ron:(s) Love?

Harry: (s) Friendship?

Hermione: (s)… no. Of who you’re trying to impersonate. As in, a bit of them.

Ron:(disappointed) Oh.

Harry:(s) Merlin, Hermione, you could’ve told us that before.

Hermione:(s) But what about the conveniently placed sweater?

[Conveniently placed sweater appeared. On it says “Goyle”.]

Ron:But there’s three of us. That means we need…

Harry:Take your time Ron. (s) I believe in you.

Ron:(s) And it’s your belief that will help me through this.

[They have a moment.]

Hermione:Two. We need two more.

[Two more conveniently placed sweaters appear. One says “Crabbe”, the other “Milicent”.]

Ron:(s) Wait to ruin the creative flow, Hermione.

Hermione:(s) At least I understand the basic concepts of simple arithmetic.

Ron: (s) At least my teeth don’t look like a beaver’s.

Harry:(steps in between the two of them) There’s no need to fight over little old me.

Hermione and Ron:Okay.

[They each take a flask of Polyjuice Potion. They head towards their separate stalls.]

Ron:(s) Wait! What about therealCrabbe and Goyle.

Hermione:Don’t worry. (s) I have it sorted.

[Dramatic music.]

Scene 4:

[Crabbe and Goyle are walking down a corridor, as being creative is tiring.]

Goyle:I don’t understand? How can you choose him over me?

Crabbe:(s) I’m not choosing anything, Goyle.

Goyle:Oh yeah? (s) What do you call what happened back there?

Crabbe:I call it you (s) overreacting.

Goyle:Oh, stop being so dramatic.

Crabbe:Since when was that a bad thing?

Goyle:Point taken.


Crabbe:My actual point is…

[Two cupcakes appear]

Crabbe:I would (s) eat this cupcake to prove my friendship to you.

Goyle:(s) No, Crabbe, don’t!

Crabbe: (s) Why? Clearly, our relationship means nothing if you cannot trust me.

Goyle: But you don’t know where it’s been!

Crabbe:(s) This is how much you mean to me. The question is, do you feel the same?



Goyle:Okay. I’ll (s) eat the other cupcake.

Crabbe:(s) This will prove our love.

[They each take a bite of their respective cupcakes without breaking eye contact]

Goyle:What do you mean love-

[They both fall unconscious. Dramatic music]

Scene 5:

[Back at Room 666. Harry as “Goyle” and Ron as “Crabbe” are waiting for Hermione]

“Goyle”:… so then the guy asked me whether or not I wanted it cut short at the back and I said I don’t know what do you think and he said well it would emphasise your jawline.

“Crabbe”:Wow. So that’s why you look so good. (s) What’s taking Hermione so long?

“Goyle”: (s) I don’t know. Hermione?

Hermione:(from bathroom stall) Meow.

“Crabbe”: (s) There’s no need to get catty, Hermione. We’ll just go on without you.

“Goyle”:(s) Yeah, Hermione, you’re going to regret this.

[“Crabbe” and “Goyle” walk out]

Hermione:(still inside stall) Meow?

Scene 6:

[Malfoy is in the Slytherin dormitories. “Crabbe” and “Goyle” walk in]

Malfoy:(s) Thank Merlin you’re back, boys. (s) I was starting do get worried.

“Goyle”:Don’t worry. We were just (s) hanging around.


“Crabbe”:The girl’s bathroom.

Malfoy:Oh. (s) Did you hear about Justin?

“Goyle”:(s) Of course we did.

Malfoy:(s) I don’t know what is with your insubordination lately, but it must stop.

[“Goyle” looks confused.]

Malfoy:Anyway, (s) I want to meet whoever did it and give them a hearty clap on the back. (sneering) We certainly need less of THOSE running about.

“Crabbe”:(s) Mudbloods?

Malfoy:No, Hufflepuffs.

[“Goyle” and “Crabbe” look confused for a moment, then nod in agreement]

“Goyle”:Wait, so (s) you aren’t behind the attacks?

Malfoy:No, I’ve been busy with… other things. (s) Like dealing with Granger.

“Crabbe”: (s) What are you planning to do, Malfoy?

Malfoy:(confused) What?

[A sudden bit of ginger appears in “Crabbe’s” hair]

“Goyle”:(s) Ron!

Malfoy:(s) What?

“Goyle”:(s) We’re going to beat up Weasley!

[“Goyle” and “Crabbe” run out]


[Dramatic music].

Scene 7:

[Harry and Ron are rushing down a corridor and crash into Ginny. Books fly everywhere.]

Harry:(winking) Here, let me… help you with that.

[Harry bends to help Ginny collect books. Ginny pauses, collects as many books as possible, and runs away]

Ron:My sister’s so weird.

Harry:What’s (s) this?

[Harry bends and picks up the Riddle Diary]

Ron:It looks like a (s) diary. I’d better return it to my sister.

Harry:(s) NO! I mean, it’s alright, I’ll do it.

Ron:(s) You’re such a good friend, Harry.

Harry:Flattery (s) accepted.

[They stare into each other’s eyes.]

Scene 8:

[Malfoy and the gang are in the library.]

Malfoy:(s) Did you guys hear about Granger?

Goyle:Yeah, (s) she deserves it.

Crabbe:Wait, what happened.

Goyle:She’s been hospitalised.

Malfoy:(s) I wonder if she’s okay…

Crabbe:(s) Don’t worry, Draco. You still have us.

Scene 9:

[A sign is held up, saying “Period of time passes”. Harry and the gang are walking down the corridor]

Ron: (s) I’m so glad you’re back, Hermione.

Hermione:(s) Me too.

[Ron and Hermione stare into each other’s eyes]

Harry:(s) The diary can write back to me.

Ron:(s) What?

Harry:Yeah, he says (s) that the same creature that is attacking the school now attacked it some fifty years ago.

Hermione:… hang on…

Harry:(s) What?

Hermione:(s and point) TO THE LIBRARY!

[Hermione leaves]

Harry:Yeah, so, anyway…

Ron:(s) Do you think Hermione will be okay?



Harry:She’s just going to the library. I’m sure that nothing will possibly attack from here to there. It’s virtually impossible.

Ron:Thanks. (s) You always know exactly what to say.

Harry:(s) Only because you believe in me.

[McGonagall comes in]

McGonagall:(bored) Hermione’s been attacked. So has Penelope Clearwater.

Harry:(sinks to knees and hands on head) NO!


Harry:(starts to sob) It’s all my fault…

Ron: (s) Can we see the body?

McGonagall:She’s not dead, just petrified. Suck it up and be a man, Weasley.

[McGonagall goes to leave, then pauses]

McGonagall:Sexy haircut, Potter.

[Dramatic music]


The End

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