Woeful Wizards Chamber of Secrets Epsiode Four
[Harry and the gang are walking down the hallway, as they always seem to do.]
Ron:(s) Did you get a haircut Harry?
Harry:(s) Why yes I did, Ron.
Hermione:It looks (s) sexy.
Dean and Seamus run in
Seamus:I’ve got really important- did you cut your hair Harry?
Harry: (s) Affirmative. (Stands with hands on hips).
Dean:It looks (s) sexy.
Seamus:Yeah. (Pause)(s) Justin has been attacked!
Harry:(falls to knees and puts hands to head) NOO!
Hermione: (s) Careful Harry!
Ron:(s) You’ll mess up your hairstyle!
[Dramatic music. Seamus and Dean run off.]
Hermione: (s) That’s it. We need to drink the Polyjuice Potion soon before Harry messes up his new hairstyle again.
[Ron and Harry nod. Dramatic music.]
[Malfoy and the gang are lounging in a corridor. Bet you didn’t expect that.]
Malfoy:(s) I cannot believe what Professor McGonagall gave me for my Transfiguration assignment.
Crabbe:(s) I know. That was so unfair.
Goyle:… but, didn’t you copy it exactly off Wizardpedia?
[Malfoy flounces off. Crabbe glares at Goyle.]
Crabbe:(s) Now look what you did.
[In Room 666- aka the girl’s bathroom. Harry and the gang are brewing the Polyjuice Potion.]
Hermione:The potion’s almost finished. It just needs one more thing…
Harry and Ron:(s) What?
Hermione:The essence of…
Harry: (s) Friendship?
Hermione: (s)… no. Of who you’re trying to impersonate. As in, a bit of them.
Harry:(s) Merlin, Hermione, you could’ve told us that before.
Hermione:(s) But what about the conveniently placed sweater?
[Conveniently placed sweater appeared. On it says “Goyle”.]
Ron:But there’s three of us. That means we need…
Harry:Take your time Ron. (s) I believe in you.
Ron:(s) And it’s your belief that will help me through this.
[They have a moment.]
Hermione:Two. We need two more.
[Two more conveniently placed sweaters appear. One says “Crabbe”, the other “Milicent”.]
Ron:(s) Wait to ruin the creative flow, Hermione.
Hermione:(s) At least I understand the basic concepts of simple arithmetic.
Ron: (s) At least my teeth don’t look like a beaver’s.
Harry:(steps in between the two of them) There’s no need to fight over little old me.
Hermione and Ron:Okay.
[They each take a flask of Polyjuice Potion. They head towards their separate stalls.]
Ron:(s) Wait! What about therealCrabbe and Goyle.
Hermione:Don’t worry. (s) I have it sorted.
[Crabbe and Goyle are walking down a corridor, as being creative is tiring.]
Goyle:I don’t understand? How can you choose him over me?
Crabbe:(s) I’m not choosing anything, Goyle.
Goyle:Oh yeah? (s) What do you call what happened back there?
Crabbe:I call it you (s) overreacting.
Goyle:Oh, stop being so dramatic.
Crabbe:Since when was that a bad thing?
Crabbe:My actual point is…
[Two cupcakes appear]
Crabbe:I would (s) eat this cupcake to prove my friendship to you.
Goyle:(s) No, Crabbe, don’t!
Crabbe: (s) Why? Clearly, our relationship means nothing if you cannot trust me.
Goyle: But you don’t know where it’s been!
Crabbe:(s) This is how much you mean to me. The question is, do you feel the same?
Goyle:Okay. I’ll (s) eat the other cupcake.
Crabbe:(s) This will prove our love.
[They each take a bite of their respective cupcakes without breaking eye contact]
Goyle:What do you mean love-
[They both fall unconscious. Dramatic music]
[Back at Room 666. Harry as “Goyle” and Ron as “Crabbe” are waiting for Hermione]
“Goyle”:… so then the guy asked me whether or not I wanted it cut short at the back and I said I don’t know what do you think and he said well it would emphasise your jawline.
“Crabbe”:Wow. So that’s why you look so good. (s) What’s taking Hermione so long?
“Goyle”: (s) I don’t know. Hermione?
Hermione:(from bathroom stall) Meow.
“Crabbe”: (s) There’s no need to get catty, Hermione. We’ll just go on without you.
“Goyle”:(s) Yeah, Hermione, you’re going to regret this.
[“Crabbe” and “Goyle” walk out]
Hermione:(still inside stall) Meow?
[Malfoy is in the Slytherin dormitories. “Crabbe” and “Goyle” walk in]
Malfoy:(s) Thank Merlin you’re back, boys. (s) I was starting do get worried.
“Goyle”:Don’t worry. We were just (s) hanging around.
“Crabbe”:The girl’s bathroom.
Malfoy:Oh. (s) Did you hear about Justin?
“Goyle”:(s) Of course we did.
Malfoy:(s) I don’t know what is with your insubordination lately, but it must stop.
[“Goyle” looks confused.]
Malfoy:Anyway, (s) I want to meet whoever did it and give them a hearty clap on the back. (sneering) We certainly need less of THOSE running about.
[“Goyle” and “Crabbe” look confused for a moment, then nod in agreement]
“Goyle”:Wait, so (s) you aren’t behind the attacks?
Malfoy:No, I’ve been busy with… other things. (s) Like dealing with Granger.
“Crabbe”: (s) What are you planning to do, Malfoy?
[A sudden bit of ginger appears in “Crabbe’s” hair]
“Goyle”:(s) We’re going to beat up Weasley!
[“Goyle” and “Crabbe” run out]
[Harry and Ron are rushing down a corridor and crash into Ginny. Books fly everywhere.]
Harry:(winking) Here, let me… help you with that.
[Harry bends to help Ginny collect books. Ginny pauses, collects as many books as possible, and runs away]
Ron:My sister’s so weird.
Harry:What’s (s) this?
[Harry bends and picks up the Riddle Diary]
Ron:It looks like a (s) diary. I’d better return it to my sister.
Harry:(s) NO! I mean, it’s alright, I’ll do it.
Ron:(s) You’re such a good friend, Harry.
Harry:Flattery (s) accepted.
[They stare into each other’s eyes.]
[Malfoy and the gang are in the library.]
Malfoy:(s) Did you guys hear about Granger?
Goyle:Yeah, (s) she deserves it.
Crabbe:Wait, what happened.
Goyle:She’s been hospitalised.
Malfoy:(s) I wonder if she’s okay…
Crabbe:(s) Don’t worry, Draco. You still have us.
[A sign is held up, saying “Period of time passes”. Harry and the gang are walking down the corridor]
Ron: (s) I’m so glad you’re back, Hermione.
Hermione:(s) Me too.
[Ron and Hermione stare into each other’s eyes]
Harry:(s) The diary can write back to me.
Harry:Yeah, he says (s) that the same creature that is attacking the school now attacked it some fifty years ago.
Hermione:… hang on…
Hermione:(s and point) TO THE LIBRARY!
Harry:Yeah, so, anyway…
Ron:(s) Do you think Hermione will be okay?
Harry:She’s just going to the library. I’m sure that nothing will possibly attack from here to there. It’s virtually impossible.
Ron:Thanks. (s) You always know exactly what to say.
Harry:(s) Only because you believe in me.
[McGonagall comes in]
McGonagall:(bored) Hermione’s been attacked. So has Penelope Clearwater.
Harry:(sinks to knees and hands on head) NO!
Ron:(s) NO, HARRY YOUR HAIRCUT!
Harry:(starts to sob) It’s all my fault…
Ron: (s) Can we see the body?
McGonagall:She’s not dead, just petrified. Suck it up and be a man, Weasley.
[McGonagall goes to leave, then pauses]
McGonagall:Sexy haircut, Potter.
END OF EPISODE FOUR