At the Great Hall. Malfoy and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table.
Malfoy:Can you guys keep a (s) secret?
Goyle:(s) Of course.
Crabbe:(s) Anything for you.
Malfoy:I’m (s) the new Slytherin seeker!
Crabbe:(s) No way!
Goyle:That’s totally awe-
Harry, closely followed by his gang, rush in.
Harry:(s) Did you just say what I thought you said?
Harry and the gang looked shocked.
Ron:(s) That’s so unfair.
Malfoy:(s) You got a problem, Weasley? Or should I say (s) WEASEL?
Crabbe:(staring at Malfoy) You’re so witty.
Ron:(s) You got a problem, Malfoy?
Malfoy:(s) Is that what your dad said to your mum?
Harry:(s) Is that what your house elf said to your mum?
Hermione:(yelling) HOUSE ELVES ARE PEOPLE TOO, HARRY.
Goyle:(s) Which is more than I can say about you, Hermione.
Everybody goes “ooooh”
Harry and Malfoy:That was low, Goyle.
Harry and Malfoy stare at each other, surprised. Dumbledore sashays in.
Dumbledore:(s) There’s no need to fight over little old me. (head roll)
Dumbledore:(s) And I suggest you settle your differences on the Quidditch pitch. (Pause) (happy s) Or, as an alternative, we now have a duelling club! For those of you who are not so skilled with broomwork, you can now beat each other up in a completely new setting!
Dumbledore: (s to Harry and Malfoy) So I suggest you pick your battleground now, because we all know how unlikely it is that both events will occur.
Dumbledore swaggers off.
Hermione:I don’t know why he just didn’t stop the fight entirely.
Malfoy:(s) See you soon, (sneers) Potter.
Malfoy and the gang walk off
Harry:(s) I bet Malfoy is the heir.
Ron:(s) Let’s do some snooping!
Hermione:(s and point) TO THE LIBRARY!
Malfoy and the gang come back on.
Malfoy:Wait, this is our table. You guys move.
Harry and the gang shrug and walk off.
On the Quidditch pitch. The Gryffindor team are having a pep talk.
Wood:So, in conclusion, even though they technically and logically have the upper hand, we’ve got what matters most.
Random Gryffindor Player (I really do not care who this is):Skill?
Wood:No. (s) Heart and spirit.
The Gryffindor team cheer and run onto the pitch. The game begins and everybody is “flying” around.
Harry:(singing to himself) I’m going to get a snitch, I’m going to get a snitch...
A bludger is thrown at him from offscreen.
Harry:(s) What the Merlin?
More bludgers are thrown at Harry.
Harry:(s) These must be enchanted. But how to escape them? (pause) I know. (s) I’ll dance.
He starts to dance away from them. Malfoy “flies” in
Malfoy:(in awe) You should try for the ballet, Potter.
Harry:(s) I don’t appreciate your-
Harry stops and stares at the GOLDEN SNITCH which is “hovering” behind Malfoy.
Malfoy:(touches his face with his hand) Is there something on my face?
Harry:(s) Your eyes are beautiful.
Text pops up on the bottom of the screen: “Malfoy is confused. Malfoy hurts himself in his confusion.”
Harry dives/dances to grab the snitch, just before being bashed off his broom for a dozen or so bludgers.
Harry:(yelling joyously) WE WON... OW.
Harry falls to the ground, holding an arm. Lockhart, Hermione and Ron run on.
Malfoy:I’m so confused.
Malfoy walks away, sobbing.
Harry:(weakly) ... hospital...
Hermione:(s to Lockhart) No, Professor, why don’t you do it? You’re such a good wizard.
Lockhart shrugs, motions everyone to stand back, takes out his wand and murmurs something. Harry’s arm “disappears”.
Ron:Well that backfired.
Hermione:(s and points) TO THE HOSPITAL!
Slytherin dormitories. Malfoy and the gang are in their PJ’s and sitting around, talking.
Crabbe:So, (s) Draco, what happened up there with Potter?
Malfoy:(narrows eyes) What do you mean?
Goyle:Well, (s) you looked really odd.
Crabbe:(s) Really, really odd.
Malfoy:Yeah... I’m going to bed.
Malfoy leaves. Goyle and Crabbe look at each other and shrug. Dramatic music.
At the hospital wing. Harry is lying in his bed, clearly distressed.
Harry:(“whispering”) Dobby? (minor s) Come back, Dobby!
Dumbledore sweeps in, followed by McGonagall. They are carrying the body of Colin Creevey.
Dumbledore:(s) Oh, we are beset by so many woes, Minereva. Poor Colin Creevey. (distraught s) How ever shall we cope?
McGonagall:Oh shut up, Albus. There’s noone around.
Dumbledore:Okay. (s) But you know what this means, Minerva.
McGonagall:(exasperated) For the love of...
Dumbledore:(ULTIMATE SWIVEL) The Chamber of Secrets has been opened once more.
Dramatic music. Thunder and lightning. Fireworks. Unicorn. More dramatic things.
Harry lies in his bed, in an obvious state of shock.
Harry:(“whispering”) Who the toad is Colin Creevey?
At the duelling club where many students are gathered. Harry and the gang are standing around, talking.
Hermione:Harry, (s) now that you’re better I can tell you how we’re going to snoop. We’re going to make (s) POLYJUICE POTION.
Harry:Sounds delicious and nutritious.
Ron:Yeah, because it’s not like something a child can drink is going to be painful, right?
Snape stomps in, followed by Lockhart.
Lockhart:(opens mouth) I...
Snape:I’ll take it from here, thanks. (sneers) Today we’re going to try disarming our opponents by using spells well above all of your capabilities. And, as I have already been informed by Headmaster Dumbledore, Potter and Malfoy have a feud to settle. Therefore, they shall be first.
At the Duelling Arena. Harry and Malfoy step up to the platform. Malfoy looks at Harry nervously. Harry frowns at Malfoy.
Snape:(sneering) Now, because you are both technically minors, apparently we have to give you both some advice.
Snape leans towards Malfoy and starts to murmur. Lockhart walks up to Harry.
Lockhart:(opens mouth) Ah...
Harry:(s) Look, I don’t need your help. I’ve defeated Voldemort. I think I know how to duel.
Lockhart moves away, subdued somewhat. Snape leaves Malfoy and walks towards the middle.
Snape:On the count of three... One, Two...
Harry falls over.
Harry:(s) You’re going to pay for that spell, Malfoy! Rictusempra!
Malfoy doubles over laughing. Lockhart looks vaguely troubled.
Harry starts to dance.
Snape:(bored) Enough of this tomfoolery. Finite Incantatem.
Harry stops dancing and Malfoy stops laughing.
Snape:Malfoy, do as you were told.
Harry:(Half s) Wait... what?
A “snake” walks into the arena.
Everybody hesitates, then start to run around like chickens with their heads cut off.
Snake:(looking at Justin Finch-Fletchly) I gonna eat you. Dayum, you like fine.
Snake starts to head towards Justin.
Harry:Yo, watchu doin’, homie?
Snake:I gonna eat dis ppl.
Harry:Nawh, he cool, he cool. He ma homie. He cool.
Snake:Awright man, we cool?
Harry:Yeah, we cool. Just don be tryin dis shit again.
Snake walks out. Harry grins at Justin. Justin looks horrified.
Justin runs away.
Harry:I’m a what?
Ron:You’re a (s) parselmouth!
Harry looks stunned. Ron and Hermione look worried. Lockharts looks confused. Snape looks bored.
END OF EPISODE THREE