In the Great Hall. Harry and the gang and Ginny are eating breakfast at the Gryffindor table.
Harry:So, (s) Ginny, any free periods today for some... fun?
Ginny runs off.
Ron:(s) I don’t know what’s got into her lately.
Dumbledore glides in.
Dumbledore: (s) I have an announcement to make everyone.
Everyone continues to talk.
Dumbledore:It involves (s) room arrangements.
Everyone falls quiet immediately
Dumbledore:Room 666 shall now be... (s) a girls lavatory due to the requests of a certain someone.
Dumbledore:(s) Moaning Myrtle.
Moaning Myrtle appears, waving. Everyone boos and she is pushed away.
Dumbledore:Now, everyone make sure you’re ready for the (s) Halloween Feast. This year, there are going to be some once in a lifetime, (s) ONCE IN A LIFETIME entertainments, including the famous troll lady from former Yugoslavia. (s) I, for one, would be deeply upset if I missed it and would (s) hang myself. (Pause) Have a nice day everyone!
Dumbledore waltzes off.
Hermione:(s) How exciting!
Ron:Yeah, (s) it’s going to be the best feast ever!
Harry:Thank goodness we have no prior engagements.
Malfoy and the gang are in the Slytherin dormitories, just chilling.
Malfoy:(sneering) Did you hear about Potter? He’s going to a (s) ghost party instead of the feast.
Goyle: (s) I would never ditch you for a ghost party, Draco.
Crabbe:(s) Me too. What we share is too special
They all turn and stare happily at the camera.
The Gryffindors are in the DADA classroom
Hermione:(s) I’m really looking to be taught by Gilderoy Lockhart!
Hermione:(s) Only the best, most clever wizard in the whole wide world.
Ron:(dreamily) With a smile to die for.
Hermione:(s) My God, Ron. No need to make fun of me.
Ron:But I... I
Harry:Shh! He’s coming.
Lockhart comes in, looking immaculate
Lockhart: (clears throat and opens mouth) Ah...
Hermione:(Puts hand in the air) Oh sir, remember when you saved that struggling village from that vampire and then you did this and that...
The class is left looking bored and Lockhart is yet to say a word.
Malfoy and the gang are entering the Great Hall
Malfoy:(s) I can’t wait to see the troll lady!
Crabbe:(s) I bet she looks hideous.
Goyle:(s) No, she’s beautiful
Malfoy:(s) Boys, there’s no need to fight over little old me.
Crabbe and Goyle: Okay boss.
Harry and the gang are at the Deathday Party, obviously uncomfortable.
Harry: (s) Why did you make us come to this party, Ron?
Ron:(s) It was you, Harry.
Hermione:(s) Oh no, it’s Moaning Myrtle.
Moaning Myrtle comes in.
MM:Hi Hermione, you look nice today!
Hermione:(s) I don’t appreciate your sarcasm, Myrtle.
MM:And Ron and Harry, I’ve heard so much about you.
Harry:(s) Nobody asked for your opinion.
Peeves comes in
Peeves:(depressed) I’ll get rid of her anyway. It’s not like she can hurt me, I’m already dead.
Harry and the gang burst out laughing.
Myrtle and Peeves leave.
Hermione:(s) Myrtle’s such a bitch.
Nearly Headless Nick enters.
NNH:(like a teenage girl) (headflick) Have you seen the Headless Hunt? Because they’re totally not invited.
NNH:Because, like, I full on asked if I could join them, right? And, like, they totally turned me down because they’re like racist.
Hermione:(s) Look out, here comes Sir Patrick!
SP and the Headless Hunt enter
SP:(like another teenage girl) Everybody chill, it’s just silly old me. (giggles).
NNH:(s) What are you doing here, Pat? I totally told you you couldn’t come.
SP:Well excuse me, I didn’t know this was an invitation only event. Bit rich coming from a non-Headless Hunt member.
Headless Hunt: (chuckles)
NNH:I wouldn’t want to be in your stupid club anyway!
SP:You couldn’t get in even if like, like, you were headless. Anyway, aren’t those last year’s balloons?
Cuts to balloons.
Balloons:I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.
Back to the party scene.
NNH:You’re just jealous.
NNH pokes SP
SP:(screaming) HOW DARE THEE! I CHALLENGE THEE TO FISTICUFFS!
Harry:(s) Let’s go guys!
Ron:Yeah, it’s getting way too medieval for my tastes in here.
Malfoy and gang are walking out of the Great Hall, laughing.
Crabbe:Did you see her face when we set off the dungbombs?
Goyle:It was so awesome.
Crabbe and Goyle:(s) Yeah?
Malfoy:(s) I feel the start of a beautiful friendship.
Goyle:We should have a name.
Crabbe:What about (s) the Golden Trio?
Malfoy:(s) I think it’s brilliant.
Goyle:(s) I’m sure it’ll stick.
Harry and the gang are walking down a corridor
Ron:(s) Hey look! Room 666.
Harry:No, it’s a girl’s bathroom now.
Ron:How do you know?
Hermione:(s) Honestly Ron, Dumbledore told us only a week ago.
They walk for a while in silence.
Hermione:(s) Look, a dark and mysterious shape!
Ron:(s) Let’s investigate!
They come upon the petrified form of Mrs Norris.
Ron:(s) What is it?
Hermione:It’s a cat, Ron.
Harry:Let’s burn it.
Filch runs on screen.
Filch:(falls to knees) NOOOOOOO!
Harry: (s) Filch, I, I finally understand.
Filch:(s) You did it! You wanted to burn the remains!
Dumbledore catwalks in and his posse (aka the teachers and students) follow.
Dumbledore:(s) What is the meaning of this?
Malfoy:(s and point)
Written on the wall is “Enemies of the heir beware”
Dumbledore:(s) The Chamber of Secrets... is open once more.