"The identity of one changes with how one percieves reality."
This is a random quote I found online a few days ago and it really got me thinking about who I am as a person. I've thought about it before as well but the result always left me confused, left me no where. I didn't ever want to hop onto that same train again cause I believed it would only strand me half way, with no sense of direction of where to go. But I've come to realise something. As fast as it might go, flying away and taking time with it, I've decided it's not going to leave me dizzy like before. Because I control the train. I control my life.
If what the person who came up with this quote said is true, then I think the fact that I've acknowledged what I've said above changes things a lot. Life is what I want to make of it, and so is reality. Through my past experiences, I've learnt a lot of lessons and I believe that's helped shape me up as a person and led me to become who I am today.
But really who am I? That's a question that hasn't been answered fully yet to me and I wish I could know. Though I've gone through a lot, those things have also changed me, morphed me into a whole different person. Is that who I am? Or is my true identity the one person I was before everything happened?
This question has been haunting me for so long. And it's influenced who I am in front of others. Sometimes, I'm just the girl in the background, the one who doesn't exist and is not part of the picture. And other times, I'm the crazy and eccentric young lady; the girl who everyone wants to be friends with, or is considered a 'fun freak'.
But past it all, I'm not able to put my finger on it. People may assume themselves that they know who I am. They may say, "You're my best friend. You've always been there for me and I think we both know who we really are." I end up nodding against my own will to their statements, though they aren't always the same.
"You need to step out of your box. Stop isolating yourself."
"Are you like this just to get attention? To be known by everyone, just to be famous?"
"You might be the number one person in class, the teacher's pet. But to us, you're no one. You're not even one of us. You might be a girl in the same uniform, but that doesn't make you anything."
I've recieved these statements, each one a complete contrast from the other. But no matter what, I feel as if it's not supposed to hurt me the way it does. I try to act like I don't care. But I do. I should only feel hurt if I am that person, but when I'm not even sure who it is that I've chosen to be, every little thing they say whether or not it's true tears me apart.
It's the uncertainty. Are they right or not? Physically, I would say "I feel like tearing my hair out". Though that might plant a more humorous image into one's head, I guess it's that small humour, the little laughs along each identity that keep me going.
I think I still have a lot more in my journey to experience, to help me see myself within. So far, I've only got fragments of it, little clues leading me in circles. But that's not enough and I don't think it ever will be.
To me: reality is a material. I can bend it, stretch it, warp it to be mine. The way I want it to be. I don't know what that makes me. Some people might say I'm trying to run or hide from the situations in my life, try to avoid things. Others might say I'm taking an optimistic view.
When I put those two thoughts together, I get: optimism is ignorance.
But that doesn't help at all. It's only a blunt statement of pure opinion. It's not necessarily true.
I might be having a little bit of an identity crisis, but I think once I get out of it, and find my way out, the little mistakes I make on the way, the sudden curves that make me feel as if I'm thrown off the train...those things will really start to make a difference.