Sunday I was left with a talk to you later. Monday I silently questioned your absence, Today, I gave a cheery hello to your friends as I watched you walk away without even looking at me. Maybe its my dependency on formalities, but I generally like a hearing before i'm sentenced to a restraining order. All metaphors aside - I don't know how to reach you - and it becomes all the more difficult when you run away; at least give me the courtesy of letting me know instead of leaving me in the dark.
So you chose to back away from the light, it's hitting you too hard, the vulnerability shakes you to your core. The rush of emotions hitting you in the chest and branching out through your body overwhelms you, the cuts of criticism piercing right through your anxieties and self consciousnesses. It leaves you breathless, spent, wide open, with your heart hanging out somewhere next to your soul and mind. That's ok, it's not going anywhere. If you choose to return to the insanity of the stage; the embracing of the full weight of the human emotional spectrum, we will welcome you with open arms. But rule number one requires you to find your light. And then stand in it until your knees buckle under the crushing weight of humanity, emotion, and life. Its not supposed to be without pain, who wants to live or watch the humdrum of perfection? What would you look up to? What would you fight for?
I'm reaching out at this waterfall looking for something to grab on to, something solid, something to reinforce myself, give me a foothold. I laugh at how I keep slipping as I watch everything cascade down. But I'm looking up, marveling the majesty of the elements, reaching for new heights. I can't climb the waterfall yet, but I have humor in my struggle. The reason I take comfort in my falls is it reminds me i'm growing: what goes down must go up.
People often get too wrapped up in their own misery, they get convinced the purpose of life is to experience suffering; because the pain reminds them they are alive. They don't realize that life comes from the spaces between space. The contrast makes you alive, you wouldn't have a reaction to darkness if you spend your days living in a cave, but when suddenly someone turns on the light, your whole world is illuminated, you see all these wonderful colors, and everything has a new level of depth, but it hurts, and is blinding and overwhelming at first. Was it better to leave them comfortably blind in the darkness, or bring them into the light, visible, open, but having to bear witness to pain, and in contrast, the joy?
In the book im reading, the Author talks about desiring to act must be an act of insanity, to want to expose your naked emotions to a crowd of critics only to be chastised? It seems the darkness is everywhere, but the thing about light, is it is thoroughly more powerful. A tiny bit of light is noticeable in a completely dark hall, but a bit of darkness is swallowed up completely by daylight. Why do people act then, what pleasure do they get from such seemingly masochistic tasks? The joy of being light, of piercing the darkness, overwhelming it, and maybe, for a moment, eliminating it entirely.
If all of this is too raw for you, do one of two things, make the critiques directed towards your character, it is she who cannot pronounce because she is nervous, and intimidated by the floodlights, and it is she who will glow. Or, generate your own light by other means. But it can only come from you, and it shines brightest in contrast, the bad makes you grateful for the good. But by no means, can you simply slip off the climb and be content in staring at the bottom of the pool, back to the light, hiding.