Am I here?

As I sit alone, I wonder why I am here. I mean, I feel so lost, trying to hold onto my emotions, as I feel them being drawn from my body one by one, leaving nothing but an empty shell. I used to think I knew myself, knew what I was capable of, knew my own strengths and weaknesses... but I am beginning to wonder if maybe that time was not my reality. Maybe THIS is my reality. Am I doomed to forever wander this earth in search of what I crave the most? I thought I found it. Over and over again, I thought I found it, but it just seems to slip away everytime I feel it in my grasp. I just want to be loved. I want to feel the love that I can give, thrown back in my face.  I've never had that before now, yet now, it all seems to be slipping away from me. I don't want it to go away. I don't want to lose what I have left, in him, or in myself. Can I continue to keep my composure? Can I continue to brave this? He's lost and numb, and emotionless now, and it sure as hell rubs off! I thought I knew myself. I thought I knew what I could withstand. I figured I could cope with this, but now I'm not so sure. I feel I'm falling appart, and I'm not sure I can handle any more empty touches, empty kisses, hollow words. But then I feel it. If only for a moment, in that embrace, I sure felt it! Is there hope? Will he pull out of it? I shake my head, not knowing if it is just my hope that holds me here, or weather I am blinde to the inevitable. If I could just reach down inside myself, grab myself by the collar and retch myself back into this reality, maybe just maybe, I could be strong again. I could be me again? I don't want to walk away. No, I love him FAR too much for that. I hold onto faith and hope, that I can battle my own deamons, and that in time, he will battle his, and hopefully before all is lost. I need to find myself again. Am I here? Self, please come back to me. I must be strong, I must be me, I must hold onto all that is left, salvage the pieces, and hold on for dear life. I will not walk away, I cannot, and will not. I know what I want, and I must aim myself in the right direction to get it. I must hold on. Can I? I must. Am I here?

The End

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