But Ruth answered, “Don’t ask me to leave you! Let me go with you. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live.” Ruth 1:16
The Song of Ruth literally adapted from 1:16 sums it up nicely. Look it up.
My life was not all ‘plain sailing’ after that. I was pained so much for an entire year since – and I still am. My anima, the part of my soul involved in loving the world, has been stolen from me, and I search for the piece to fill in its place. I don’t want revenge and consolation, I want to find and thank my life for existing. For having a way to smile again. I want to follow my soul to its home, for, even in the new land to which my Lord has sent me, I am not home. ‘Home is where the heart is,’ so they say.
After being a solo soprano singer for a mere five minutes, I lost an angel and a master in one swipe. Whilst I didn’t let depression eat me as much as she had before – I had my God to hold me there – I had trouble concentrating beyond my fiction, because I knew the real world carried bite.
I applied for university, and that in itself was somewhat of a bad idea. Not that I didn’t want to learn. Learning has always been my poison. But the application itself rubbed friction between my mother and I; she wanted me to go to a town her brother knew well, to a world of commerce and high status. I applied to that university due to peer pressure and indecision, not because I truly wanted to.
But this came with its perks. My confidence – and, sadly, arrogance – built when I was preparing. I had to be myself (my intelligent self? Who knows? ‘Pretentious’ might be a better word) in interviews, and the inner devil in me escaped, with her brutish self-importance. With no cold waters over my head, I rallied out of control, possibly hurting those people I had loved again.
So, when I was rejected from the university for which I had strived, my heart plummeted and my head fell into a mess. And I had to flail on my own. My carrier had vanished. But, God had another trick up His sleeve. Well, not trick. The Lord does not trick.
I had prayed for clarity, and, somehow, He provided, even when I did not want what I saw.
He was the grand architect of a scheme for which I had only been a measly tool. I thought I had held the brush in my hand to paint my own journey, but He took the brush, replaced it with a keypad, and told me, “write of what I have done for you. I have led you here.” Remember all things happen for a reason? This was His reason.
In 2013, I became something of a Chaplaincy Prefect – ‘something’ because I’m not sure exactly whether they had ‘employed’ me; I was told contradictory pieces of information, but, by then, it no longer mattered. I was with God in mind and spirit, piecing together my future, for all I had prayed for in my not-so-innocent, selfish youth. This line on my CV was more to me than the other prefects realised: here, I could do what I truly loved, and feel His hand guiding me onwards as before.
It was right, certainly. And I tried. Even when I didn’t succeed.
I was apprehensive about my second choice university, more so when I discovered that, due to lower results than I had been predicted or to which I had aspired, I had no choice in the matter. I was not reapplying – this place was my new home, Harry Potter hall and all.
I knew why I panicked. I had one chance of three years. Mess this up and I might as well lock myself in a box as cold as my old heart. But I was coming back, fighting through doubt, to those who need me most, and to the Lord guiding me best. My moves were – and are – His.
I partook in my first Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults meeting this evening, on schedule, I guess. When I tried to explain how I had found myself in that room, aged eighteen, I simply couldn’t without my stammer attacking. I knew, and I had planned, my words, but their order was stolen from me.
Yes, I cannot explain this. All I can add is that, when speaking on non-planned, spur-of-the-moment, my words above about losing the university I dearly love yet regained this one, I found the spirit dictating within me.
Look where I find myself! This place was probably a better fit for me. I have new friends, new sports, new societies and roles. New housemates and people with which to talk the madness of philosophies.
And, wherever you go, I will go…