Jesus spoke to the Pharisees again. “I am the Light of the world. Whosoever follows me will have the light of life and will never walk in darkness.” John 8:12
At the end of 2011 came my pivot point from sincere Anglican to intrigued Catholic. I attended the solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul as part of my own personal training, away from the temptation of hate and immorality. I was going to find a way around my downward spiral with the help of doctrine and community.
Three of us out of a class of over twenty walked to the small local church that day. I don’t remember much of the service, but I remember the walk back and forth, the jesting we did. We were sneaking out in a Holy way!
Anyway, the words came on our journey there – “oh, are you going to convert, then?” He didn’t mean it, I don’t think, not really thinking that I’d actually consider the idea.
But consider it I did. For two strong years, stranded and with no one to turn to with my ideas of becoming a proper Catholic. My ideas, after all, already genuinely reflected those of Catholicism, and my heart beat dramatically for every Mass, for every piece of celebration in which I participated. I wanted more than anything to be there, to have my sins cleansed in a darkened chamber, to genuflect before the Blessed Sacrament in Holy Devotion. I wanted to be a devoted one.
And from that I really started paying attention to communion, from the subtleties we weren’t taught in school – the sign of the Cross over thought, word and deed before the Gospel – to the more obvious things, such as attempting to learn the Apostle’s Creed. It’s there, on a bookmark, right in front of me now.
That Saints’ day became a constant pivotal point for me again. A hymn was written for me a year later – for me to sing when my confidence of my voice was flailing. My second master wrote his piece for my confidence and my love; from that, my spirit gained another notch on its string, even if that never kept its place, because my soul fell to everyone’s attacks.
“If you really are Abraham’s children,” Jesus replied, “do the same things he did.” John 8:39
And so, Lord, I do. I begin my journey in a proper environment, so close and so very far from my ultimate goals, my ultimate sacraments. Whilst Peter and Paul will always have a place in my soul for their contributions to my life, the book of John is my favourite gospel and possibly my favourite book in the Bible, though I have little to say for certain research there.