John

Jesus spoke to the Pharisees again. “I am the Light of the world. Whosoever follows me will have the light of life and will never walk in darkness.” John 8:12

At the end of 2011 came my pivot point from sincere Anglican to intrigued Catholic. I attended the solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul as part of my own personal training, away from the temptation of hate and immorality. I was going to find a way around my downward spiral with the help of doctrine and community.

Three of us out of a class of over twenty walked to the small local church that day. I don’t remember much of the service, but I remember the walk back and forth, the jesting we did. We were sneaking out in a Holy way!

Anyway, the words came on our journey there – “oh, are you going to convert, then?” He didn’t mean it, I don’t think, not really thinking that I’d actually consider the idea.

But consider it I did. For two strong years, stranded and with no one to turn to with my ideas of becoming a proper Catholic. My ideas, after all, already genuinely reflected those of Catholicism, and my heart beat dramatically for every Mass, for every piece of celebration in which I participated. I wanted more than anything to be there, to have my sins cleansed in a darkened chamber, to genuflect before the Blessed Sacrament in Holy Devotion. I wanted to be a devoted one.

And from that I really started paying attention to communion, from the subtleties we weren’t taught in school – the sign of the Cross over thought, word and deed before the Gospel – to the more obvious things, such as attempting to learn the Apostle’s Creed. It’s there, on a bookmark, right in front of me now.

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That Saints’ day became a constant pivotal point for me again. A hymn was written for me a year later – for me to sing when my confidence of my voice was flailing. My second master wrote his piece for my confidence and my love; from that, my spirit gained another notch on its string, even if that never kept its place, because my soul fell to everyone’s attacks.

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“If you really are Abraham’s children,” Jesus replied, “do the same things he did.” John 8:39

And so, Lord, I do. I begin my journey in a proper environment, so close and so very far from my ultimate goals, my ultimate sacraments. Whilst Peter and Paul will always have a place in my soul for their contributions to my life, the book of John is my favourite gospel and possibly my favourite book in the Bible, though I have little to say for certain research there. 

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