All the Things I Wish I Could Say to My Loved Ones but Don't, For Fear of Scaring Them Away

Not necessarily for any one person; just a rant I wrote while feeling really cheesy and sentimental.
Yes, I am aware of the run-on sentences; no need to point them out. I was envisioning this as a sort of rushed dialogue, like someone trying to tell another person their feelings as quickly but meaningfully as possible.

All the Things I Wish I Could Say to My Loved Ones but Don't, For Fear of Scaring Them Away

I heard someone talk bad about you the other day.
Instantly, I gripped the arms of my chair and forced myself to keep from telling the speaker what I really thought of her false accusations. Instead, I calmly pointed out that every human has flaws, and we can't agree with them all, but you're still a fantastic person. And I told her that I wasn't comfortable talking bad about you and would leave if it continued.

I'm really terrified of speaking out, but I did that for you, because it's important to me that people don't stab you behind your back.

The thought of throwing up is the most petrifying thing in the world to me. I used to suffer from panic attacks every night for months, after I got the stomach flu once. But I want you to know that if you're ever really sick and throwing up, if I can make the trip, I'll bring you pears and read stories aloud to you. I won't leave you.

Even if there's something on my mind, I will sit beside you and dry your tears as you pour out your heart. I would rather cradle you in my arms than interrupt your grief with my own, so even if my heart is being rent to shreds, I will kiss your hair and close my eyes and pray that if it's possible in any way, could I please bear your burdens, too, so you don't have to?

You know another one of my fears is ending up alone in life, but I told God that I would be willing to die an old maid, if you could just find a lover who treats you right. I know that's not the way things work, that giving up love in my life would never be able to somehow bring love into yours, that life doesn't operate on a give-and-take basis. But I still prayed it.

You asked me the other day why I seem so happy all the time. How could I explain that when you're around, I just can't wipe that stupid smile off my face? I don't want to sound creepy, but the reason I'm sometimes loud and energetic is because I'm filled with elation and teeming with joy when you're around, and I just can't contain it.

I wish I was a millionaire, not for my own sake, but so that I could buy you chocolates and help you pay your college funds and send you to all the countries you want to visit. I hope you fulfill every dream you have, and I'll sacrifice my own dreams, if it means you are propelled even one step further in life.

You asked me why I treat everyone so nicely. Why I neglect my own homework to help you with yours. Why I offer to give you all my quarters so you can do your laundry. Why I like to write you old-fashioned longhand letters of encouragement. I do these things to help you out in any way I can, and true generosity is one of the purest forms of love.

I don't want to sound obsessive, but I think it's really cute how your eyes sparkle as you deliver the punchline of a joke you think is really clever. I find it quite endearing, that look on your face when you think something is hilarious but aren't sure if laughing about it right now is the most appropriate thing. And honestly, I want to laugh at the things you say and do that are meant to be funny, even if I don't think they're worth laughing over, because I want you to know I value your sense of humor. You know what? I just want to validate you.

And then, there are the times where you say or do something that's downright hysterical. I feel silly when I can't stop laughing, but sometimes, I can't help myself.

I might sound crazy or obsessive when I say these things, but honestly, I don't even think them. They're just the things I feel and do. I don't formulate these thoughts; I don't tell myself, "Self, you had better sacrifice all your dreams for your friend's sake." It's just how I feel and how I am.

I want you to know that if I ever look at you with tears in my eyes, it's because sometimes, I sense an insecurity in you that I want to take away. You don't know how many times I've run my hands through my hair, weeping, wishing I could take all your burdens for you. I lose sleep over you! I toss and turn in bed, because the thought of you suffering keeps me awake. I want to fight your monsters for you! I want to take all your insecurites and bear them, myself! I see the burden you carry. I see it in your eyes. Oh, that I could remove it from your back and place it on mine! I far prefer to struggle under the weight of a heavy load than to watch you do so. If only I could internalize your insecurities and swipe them from your fatigued shoulders!

I suppose I'll never know unless the incident occurs, but Darling, were you standing on railroad tracks with a train charging for you, I truly believe I would shove you aside and take your place.

But I can't say these things. I have to keep from throwing my arms around you and telling you how much I love you everytime I see you. I have to refrain from reaching over and taking your hand when I'm saying something I really mean. I have to restrain myself when it comes to complimenting you, because I don't want to be annoying. So I stand there with so many words in my mind and so few words on my lips, but I hope you know that when I say "You look cute today," I mean, "Your beauty and charm steal my breath away," and I hope you know that when you hear me tell you I'm happy to see you, what you're really hearing are all the things I wish I could say.

The End

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