(I cannot be trusted to keep myself functioning)

Please take care of yourself. 

For me, it's usually not major - I forget to shower, I do it the next day instead. I don't immediately bandage a cut. I don't sleep. I haver periods where I don't have an appetite at all.

But usually nothing like this. 

My sense of time is f-cked to hell, so it may not seem like that long to you, but it stretches on whereas some days pass in the blink of an eye.

I've had 14 hours of sleep in three days. I've also only had three meals in three days - dinner. And not even much of that, either.

I am currently running on Earl Grey and one snack of chocolate almonds - about 10 of them.
This is possibly one of my worst weeks so far in terms of taking care of myself. 

And yet, my body isn't rebelling yet.

I haven't blacked out, had a panic/anxiety attack, fallen asleep, hallucinated, fainted, or had a stomach ache yet.

I'm a little freaked out. I'm not superhuman. I'm not Vulcan. I'm just a teenage girl. 

(Who is managing to survive on 14 hours of sleep, 3 meals, and a handful of chocolate almonds for the past 80 hours - 14 hours spent sleeping, 5 minutes spent eating - the other 61 hours spent doing other crap that I have to do every day.)

I have no appetite. I'm afraid to go to sleep because I have screaming-in-the-pits-of-your-soul nightmares every time I go to sleep these past few days.

In the worst one, I woke up right when the murky water swallowed me and the shark came straight for my leg, observers laughing as I desperately tried to find anything but H2O around me. 

(This was after I had thrown myself out of a still-moving foam van full of human traffickers.)

I woke up with a silent scream in my throat, my voice already hoarse.

I went and stood over the Ice Queen and said, in a very, very small voice:

"I had a nightmare."

She just looked incredulous that I had woken her up and rolled over.

I left. 

So, to everyone with depression:

Take care of yourself. Because this is the only body you're going to get. We all have our scars, we all have our problems, we all have your days. But don't make your 'day' a week. Don't damage your body because you've neglected it like that plant sitting in the corner of your room being obscured by that mound of books, the one browning around the edges and beginning to shed its leaves like it is a bad skin that contributes to death. 

I've f-cked up a fair few things in my life. My mental illnesses, my family problems, my lack of self-confidence. It's not something you can overcome easily.

But take it from me: Fight it as hard as you can - and then try some more.

I hope to whatever deity lives out there that you, dear reader, do not ever experience this. You would never deserve this. You should not ever have to feel this. 


Take care of yourself. 

The End

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