I’ve been told that you were the sweetest child. You loved to dance and sing along to ‘My Achy Breaky Heart’ when you were two. With jet black hair and a carefree smile, you were the most beautiful boy they had ever seen.
I’ve been told that you had it rough later on. I know about the drug deals and the money. I know you fell to the dark side, and risked your life to make your mother happy. She didn’t really care about you, did she? She wouldn’t have minded if you were dead.
God, how you hated her.
I’ve been told that I changed you. I fell from the sky and into your arms, and in that instant you yearned to escape. With your life on your back and your heart on your sleeve, you left. Dina, McKinley High, the ghetto in your soul. It all faded away and fed on your nightmares, your fears, your shortcomings.
I remember how you screamed at night.
I’ve been told that I’m stupid. I know that I’m crazy and have put all that I am on the line. I lie in the trenches and brace myself as every bomb falls. My grades drop, my mind wanders, my morals shake from their perpetual shelves and crash to the floor.
You made me strong, didn’t you? You ripped the fear from me and forced it down my throat. I swallowed it like a shard of glass. Cutting, bleeding, but only on the inside so it goes unnoticed. By you. By me. By the world.
We’ve changed. I fixed. You healed.
But then what? Then I became the one who was broken.
I’ve been told that you are sick. I’ve heard your staggered breathing in the night and your coughing fits in the day. You spit the flem and light up another Marlboro, not concerned with your own disease.
Do you want to die? Don’t you care about your life anymore?
I’ve been told that you are heading somewhere bad. Back to that past that made you scream in your dreams, to that life that you never wanted me to see. The life you never wanted me to know. But I know it now, don’t I? You’ve exposed me to the dark, the illegal, the dangerous and the destructive life.
Why are you heading down a path that I simply cannot follow?
Ever since I met you I’ve wanted to save you. I need you safe, healthy, happy and out of harm’s path. Out of Death’s eye.
Why won’t you let me save you? You don’t listen to me, you don’t care, and you hurt my heart over and over. With every distant look and every cigarette, you kill me slowly.
I’ve been told I deserve better than you. I know that you don’t treat me as well as I treat you. You lie, you pretend, and you make me think it’s all my fault. You nail me down with blame until there’s no more blood to bleed.
I’ve been told that there’s nothing to be scared of. That we will make it through anything. I was told that by you only minutes before you turned and walked away.
You’ve left me and my heart for dead.
I am so scared. Scared for you, what you’re doing to us and what you’re doing to yourself. And until you run and hide from your past, I have reason to be afraid. I have reason to cry myself into hysteria, to scream into the empty night how much I’d like to hurt you as you hurt me… but I can’t. You’re already doing it on your own.
You are killing yourself.
You are killing your chances to be saved.
You are killing me.