I'm afraid to look in front of me. I'm afraid to see where all this is headed. The last thing I remember is feeling the deepest comfort of, "I love you." followed shortly by the deepest stabs of, "I have a date with my new girlfriend tomarrow." And I realized you've made me depend on your commitment for happiness. When you hold me close and whisper the honest truth in my ear and make me feel loved and wanted. I would take down the world, and I would give up everything to be by your side. And then you tear apart our bonds by shoving her between us and destroying our claims to closeness with labels. My heart cracks, up the side, small egg shell webs of break.
Last night I went numb. You would hold me close, and whisper all I meant to you, and tell me all the discomforts of dating her. You told me I shouldn't date anyone else because I'd feel excruciating pain and it wasn't worth it. Yu convinced me you were miserable, and I unclenched my bleeding heart just a little. My eyes met your eyes with spark, and didn't punch myself down for being weak enough to fall for you again.
And then you kept dating her, you spoke of how much you loved her, and how great your relationship was. More cracks appeared along the sides, and you had me convinced I wouldn't feel any better with someone else. Yet you chose to be with her.
A piece of my heart shattered. You were being unfair. You were telling me I couldn't have my happiness with someone else because it hurt too much, but that didn't mean you couldn't destroy the happiness we had because you would prefer to be with her.
I wanted out. I wanted the stability of a true friend, not a conflicted lover.
I called you in my lowest state, with no hope we could be together. I didn't have faith in myself I could be near you without hearing the twinkling shatter of broken heart falling to the ground.
I didn't want to feel anymore pain. That was impossible. To cut you out meant blocking from me the only person who knew every crevice of my mind, who knew how to repair my thoughts like no one else. And it would mean I couldn't be the dependant friend I'd strove to be for so long. Was I really trying to shut myself away from my best friend?
You lashed out at me. We called each other hostile and unpleasenet, and we threw around so much bullsh*t because I was scared of my pain, and you were scared of yours, and the thought of distance seemed like the best answer, but it was what we both feared the most.
We agreed to keep close, and I saw you again as the best friend I ever had, and not as the confused lover who pulled me like tides. All the hatred had slaughtered passion, and now theres not fear of falling for you, and I feel safe.
But I lost respect for our previously mature conversations. The fact we can't talk eye to eye anymore without pain, the fact we need to tear each other's hearts out so we don't fall for each other again. I find myself thinking, "then doesn't it make sense to just be together? if this distance is killing us, why are we committing to it?" And I have to murder those poisonous thoughts because falling for you has only brought me to tears. I loved you once, but that time had passed. I can't think of you as a possible partner again because that brings us back to strangling heart holds.
So we agree to hide form the future. To close our eyes as we head down our paths and pretend nothing is actually happening between us. There are no passions being strangled by the mind, there is no pain as we cry secretly.
We are just friends. That is the label we give ourselves as the small bridge to connect our two looming lands, yet the cracked revine that appeared between us didn't used to exist, and there wasn't sat water flowing between us. But we tell ourselves that if theres a bridge, some day our lands will be able to coexist peacefully again.