A Conversation Between Me (Laura) and My Depression

This is what a weekday feels like to me. This is what living with depression is like.
(For me, anyways. I don't think I could ever get down in words what it's really like)
I... couldn't write about my mania, so that's not in here.

This is Depression.

And this is Anxiety.



  • 5:40 -

I really should get up. I have a paper due tomorrow.

As if that matters. Just stay in bed a little longer. The bed is safe. The bed is warm. Nothing can hurt you here. Nobody can see you, you can't even see yourself. You should sleep more. Maybe for the rest of your life.

I guess just a little more rest won't hurt. 

  • 6:00 -

Oh, there goes the alarm. Time to get up.

The alarm's just annoying. Why do you have it on, anyways?

It wakes me up.

And that's a good thing?


That's what I thought. But when you throw aside your sheets and swing your legs over your side, you have to face responsibilities. Responsibilities are tiring, aren't they?

Yeah. A little bit.

Look at that. You even lie to yourself. Who else do you lie to? Oh, I know the answer to that. You lie to everyone. And it doesn't even make you feel guilty?

It does. Sometimes.

So outside lies all the times you've lied to save your sorry little skin.

Maybe I can wake up at six-thirty. It doesn't make a difference, does it?

No, it doesn't. Go back to sleep. 

  • 6:30 - 

Alright, that's enough. I've been in bed long enough.

Yes you have. What's wrong with you? You have a paper due today. Don't you even care? Marks are important, aren't they? Aren't they? What are you doing with your life? Oh, that's right. Nothing. 

I try.

You don't. I'm your own f-cking brain, don't you think I'd know?

You don't know everything.

Sure. I don't know what true happiness feels like. But neither do you.

I don't want to think anymore.

So don't.

  • 6:40 - 

I can't believe it took me so long to get out of bed.

That makes two of us.

  • 6:55 - 

Am I fat?


Apparently people's self-image of themselves isn't always true.

You're 130 pounds. You're fat. Face it. This mirror doesn't lie. 

Sometimes you lie to me.

Well, you lie to everyone. Why should I be any different?

It's hard fighting against your own head.

You stop fighting occasionally. Wouldn't it be better to just give in?

I would, but there's always something that doesn't match up.

  • 7:05

I bet other people's shirts don't look like a f-cking box on them.

I have wide hips, a small waist, and a significant bust. What did you expect?

You're stupid if you think that it's not about all that flab.

There's not that much of it. Is there?

There certainly is. Look at it. Your stomach may look only slightly rounded, but seriously. Pinch it, and it's soft. Not to even mention those thick thighs! Oh my. Standards certainly have slipped.

I'm sorry.

You're apologizing to yourself. How low can you get?

  • 7:20

How sad that you pant at even a twenty-five minute walk. Ugh. 

I can't help it.

Excuses, excuses.

  • 7:55

It would be so much easier to just pretend that you're sick and just skip class. After all, you didn't finish your homework.

I called in last week and got picked up when my stomach wasn't feeling good.

So just do that this week.

I don't want them to catch on. Remember that story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf?

I think the wolves ate his family.

The way you're eating me.

Maybe so.

  • 8:05

It's not too late.

I think it is.

You're just a coward.

So are you.

Stop fighting. It makes me angry and it makes you tired.

I know. I'll stop.

You always do.

What if I don't want to?

Too bad. 

  • 8:30

I hate this.

So just give up.

I can't.


I don't know.

Why do you not know?


Why do you think?


You're tired. Deflate.


And yet which one of us wins this each time?

You do.

That's right.

Why can I not win?

You're not strong enough.

  • 9:00

I want to sleep again.

You can't.

I know that.

So get your head off the desk.

I can't.

You can.

I want to cry. 

You can't.


  • 9:45

 Why are you here? Where did you come from?

I came from you.

What if I want you to go away? 

I'm a part of you. Don't deny it.

I hate you.

I hate you.

  • 10:30

 Wouldn't it just be better to kill yourself?

I'm scared of that. I don't like pain. I've never liked pain.

You've never liked physical pain. 

No, I haven't. I wish I had a higher pain tolerance.

Look at that. You even disappoint yourself.

  • 11:45

Your phone is dead. See, everything you touch does die.

It's not nice of you to lie.

How utterly feeble you are.

Your phone's out of battery. Your mum's going to be mad, isn't she? She's always bugging you about plugging it in, and now she won't be able to reach you. You won't be able to reach her. You'll just wander around with no way to find anyone. 

You don't make sense. I shouldn't listen to you.

But I'm so much more convincing than the rational part of your brain, aren't I?


Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you.


  • 12:30

I'm scared.

So come lie with me, my darling.

I don't like pet names.

I know that. I know you. You should come with me for a while, shouldn't you? They don't understand you. They're not really your friends.

I'm still scared.

You always will be.

If I could live out my fear, I would simply drown in music notes and syllables that beat themselves against the side of my head until my eyes are bleeding because I've seen a lot but none of it is what I want to see. 

More poetry? It never works out that well on paper.

I want to be a cat.

You'd be bored to death in a minute. You're stuck in this clumsy body of yours. But I infect millions. 

Can you not stop?

Why would I want to? Madness is so much more fun. 

  • 2:00

I wonder how long it will take until you finally give in. 

I've got things to live for.

And what exactly are those?

I've got things I would die for. It's around the same thing.

But it isn't, not really. You know that. A willingness to die is not the synonym of a life worth living.

I think my poetry came from you.

I do too. Why have you never seriously contemplated suicide? I've tried so hard.

Maybe that's why I refuse. 


  • 3:30

Freedom at last.

You always say things that you don't mean. The end of the day is not cause for freedom, it is only a brief respite. You exaggerate so much. 

Resistance is easy. Fighting is where it gets hard. 

And what do you mean by that?

I thought you knew everything.

A revolution is only a revolution if it's successful.

I had forgotten.

I'm here to overflow the well of despair until it floods your puny little cracked skull. 

You're so mean.

I'm not nearly as mean to you as you are to yourself.

You are me, though.

Took you long enough to catch on. 

  • 4:45

Come with me.


Stupidhead, there's the closet.

The darkness is like a blanket.

Go and curl up somewhere. Forgetting the world exists is the only break you're ever going to get.

You've got so much due.

You can do it tomorrow morning.

They'll be mad, they're always mad, you're such a disappointment, you never get anything done.

I'm sorry!

Apologies never helped anyone, weakling. 

  • 6:00

Take a smile, take a while, you never get anywhere anyways. If I had to tell the truth, I would spout a thousand things you don't want to hear.

Will you just stop it with the poetry, already?


What was that? I think I heard you wrong. 

You didn't.

8 x 69 is 552, not 498, idiot. 

What if you got that question on that test wrong? You get it wrong all the time, that's such a stupid mistake, you were never good at math anyways, but it could affect your mark, what if it affected your mark? What if you got that wrong? What if you got it wrong? What if you got everything wrong?









  • 7:30

 How did I get here?

A bit of mania, a bit of depression, a dash of writing, and a whole lot of experiences.

I'm not okay.

You never were.

If I wasn't here, where would I be?

I don't really know. Lost, without direction? But let's not talk about this now.


  • 9:00

 Look at how much time you've wasted. 

I can't help it. I should really get to work. 

But won't you waste a little more with me, darling?

There you go again with the pet names. I don't like them.

What did you say?

... nothing, I guess.

Tomorrow's going to be hell, you haven't done anything, Miss Goody Two Shoes is going to get in trouble so much disappointment everyone will know it turned out horribly look who didn't do their homework 


  • 10:59

I guess I'll go to bed now. 

You can't go to sleep. Nightmares await, they're already clamouring for a spot. Your heart leads you nowhere but trouble, and rest will bring with it terror in the night. You will be scared beyond your limits like every time you close your eyes.

It comes for you.

I can't sleep. 

No, you can't. Stay awake with me. 




  • 12:30

I really ought to get some rest.

Insomnia controls you, you know it does.

I really ought to get some rest.

Stop it and come and keep your eyes open.

The nightmares are waiting in the shallow darkness. 

I'm scared.

You should be. 



  • 2:00

I'm tired, my bones feel like lead.

Set your alarm for 5:30 tomorrow.

That's early. 



  • 4:00

Can I go to sleep now?

Did I ever say you couldn't?

I can't remember now.

Look at you, you're going to be so tired tomorrow morning you have a test tomorrow you didn't study and now you won't have any sleep you'll fail the entire thing. 

  • 5:40

I really should get up. I have a paper due tomorrow.

As if that matters. Just stay in bed a little longer. The bed is safe. The bed is warm. Nothing can hurt you here. Nobody can see you, you can't even see yourself. You should sleep more. Maybe for the rest of your life.

I guess just a little more rest won't hurt. 














(a little more rest won't hurt,
a little more rest won't hurt,
a little more rest won't hurt)









This is my day, more or less.

I hope to whatever god exists that you never have to deal with this. 

The End

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