Waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air has become a habit of mine. I try to recall pieces of my last dream. It’s fairly easy because it's the same every night. A younger version of that kid keeps creeping into my sleep. Whether it's him as a toddler taking his first steps or playing with his kite, or a gathering for his birthday party. It's always him, and just like that video, the dream always ends when he calls me Mama. This has to stop, I think as I drink water to calm myself down. I call the only friend I trust, Will. I don't expect him to pick up since his probably deep asleep, but he does.
"Seriously Anne, who calls people at 2 am?" Will grumpily asks me with a sleepy voice. I tell him everything that happened to me this past week. I tell him how I feel lost, like another person has woken up inside of me. How I don't even feel like myself anymore, and how those nightmares are driving me crazy. I can feel how shocked he is even through the phone. While we’re talking I hear his car’s engine starts, and five minutes later he's ringing my doorbell.
He checks my head and my body like he's expecting to see a blood bath, he finds nothing but a few bruises and a scar. I give him the phone with shaking hands. He watches the recording carefully, repeating it several times. His face expressions are much calmer now. We’re both trying to give a logical explanation to all of this, with no luck. In this moment I feel like the world is spinning around me. But I realize that being confused with him by my side is much better than being confused alone.