Hey. So, it's been seven months since my last.... letter? Crazy long time, right? Hmm, where do I begin? I've always been the kind of girl to make mud pies and run around with my wild curls. I use to hate painted fingernails and especially pink. I hated pink. I never thought of wearing make-up. Now, I paint my fingernails black and I wear eye-liner and mascara. I still hate pink, though.
I'll wear skirts and dresses, but I never used to like them. Skirts still bother me, unless they are, like, long and flowy. Why am I talking about this? Mainly because I've been listening to my old CD's and I realize how much I've changed. Changed is a good and bad word, depending on how you look at it. It can even be bitter-sweet, depending on how the change can happen or come about.
Self-pity on the other hand, is crap. I hate it with a fiery passion. Like, right now I just had a little bout of self-pity. Want to know why? I didn't have a normal childhood and now I'm not fulfilling living the full high school experience. I'm not in any clubs, sports, and I don't even have a lot of friends. Pathetic, right?
Before anybody says, "Get out there and make it happen!" or "It's okay, don't feel bad."
I know it's only me who can change the situation I'm in. I know I'm the problem. What can I say? I feel an anxiety in my stomach, sweat on my palms, fear in my veins, and a deep well of insecurities. What girl doesn't? Those are not excuses, by the way. I know all the crap I need to do. I know. I'm starting a club with Cassi and now we just have to have a meeting with people who are interested in our group.
One or two steps away from us being a group! I'm truly excited! If some of you guys haven't already guessed, I dated a 17 year old named Joe. I was 14 years old. Joe will turn 18 tomorrow. I broke up with him and at first he kept harassing me to get back with him. I kept saying no. I just wasn't going down that road. Nope.
Also, for other personal reasons I won't even share on this page. Anyway, my grandma went through my phone while I was at school and read all of
Joe's text messages. She asked me about him and I didn't tell her the whole truth. I just told her that Joe was 17 about to turn 18 and I even described him to her. I said he was just a friend and had never been anything more. You can see my lie, right?
The thing is, is that we had been an "item". We never held hands or embraced, nothing. We texted, but the texts weren't dirty. He called me beautiful plenty of times, but nothing dirty. Anyway, everyone but my step-grandpa found out that he was telling me he loved me and everything else. A couple of days later, grandma forbid me to ever talk to him again.
I told him and unfriended him on facebook. I haven't talked to him since. Yep, that sums up what's been happening in my my life when it comes to "romance".
"Dear lord, help me refrain from my own fleshly desires. Thank you!
In Jesus' Name,
This is My Life,
P.S. Jesus is the only
man I trust whole-heartedly.