I used to think You made my life a misery until You proved it a thing of value. I love You and I fear You, for Your sacrifice is great. You are everything I need to live.
This is my journey.
Run... Run... Run! I run frenetically forward to a place that I can barely see, with a blind hope of temporal shelter. I dare not look back, or what I leave behind will grab my heartstrings and yank me home with all Its skillful might. So with freedom's picture in my mind, I continue my laborious journey... I flee before my alluring vision is abducted with the rigors of adherence to what has been pre-defined as right and true.
I desperately tug my heavily laden cloak closer around my neck in an effort to shield myself and disguise the battered body underneath. With each step, with each halt, with each accessory added to keep me alive, my cloak becomes heavier. Its threads grow thicker until what once was sheer now shuts out all light. I want to drop it for its weight, but I have put so much into weaving the crises and crosses along the way that I find it necessary now.
I run harder, longer, and more despairingly... When at first I was driven by excitement and determination, I now go in search for fulfillment in what attracts me. What began as a harmless stroll outside the boundaries turned into a steady run until I forgot what I was running from. Now I am a wanderer with no direction except what I decide is forward.
You put hurtles in my path so that the faster that I run becomes the sooner that I trip. While I stumble the wind and the power of Your fiercest breath rips the covering from my body, leaving me exposed under the sun. With a curse I rise up quickly. I do not turn, for I refuse to concede after such vast distance.
"Just a little further,” I whisper, anticipating my secret pleasure. The taste upon my lips is intoxicating, but the kiss of wickedness holds sweet poison... Like venom spreading in pernicious fashion, it scalds me from within.
Deep inside the core of my weakened form, the gall of transgression eats my heart even further into a hollow shell. I collapse with enervation, receiving the sharp reminder of how empty I have become. Yearning to fill this painful void, once more I satiate my ravenous craving...
The ephemeral satisfaction ends with the setting sun... I am alone. The meaning of joy
becomes obscure when pleasure only brings pain.
I hate myself for who I have become, yet I keep running. How can I face You after such evasion? Who can cut through this burden that I carry? I will stay hidden even as I sprawl under Your endless sky, writhing in torment under my covering.
Though You are ever-present, I pretend You cannot see me... Though I am stricken with anguish, something etched in the walls of my core will instruct me to stand alone. I scoff at Your unkept promises, for You cannot help me.
This pride becomes my well of strength... That is what I tell myself, even as I lay and cannot rise... My pride has kept me running and made me determined in my endeavors. Even now, a war wages within me, for what is pride if I turn to dust? What will I have left to leave besides a fleeting self-effected idea of who I am?
"What am I looking for?" I cry aloud. I have traveled far, and though I believed I had enjoyed my plight, the insidious glitters I chased after make themselves known in the epiphany of reflection. My mistakes are many, and the path I have taken was misguided from the start.
How can I turn back now when I am lost in such a maze? If I keep going, will I find the center, or will I continue to travel until I fall into nothingness? If I turn back, how will I face the One whose course I thwarted?
From here, at the nadir of life's rocky course, the plan You once set for me seems so enigmatic. I once believed I knew the world inside and out, and that I was brave and bold to carve new paths if I came across new lands. Now the world becomes a mighty stranger, for although I am consumed, my heart has been exiled.
Brokenhearted in a dry wasteland, I am afraid to choose my new direction. As I peer around me the desolate land strikes fear into what is left of my spirit. You could never want me in a condition so broken... so impure.
To fight the tears being sucked from my unwilling eyes is useless, and I fall to my knees before they even touch the ground. I cannot raise my body to any higher position because my iron spine has snapped in two. Nothing can satisfy this hunger... A cry escapes my trembling lips because I am too broken to lift my burden.
Soon I fear that I may drown in this pool of tears that I've shed. No one but I can carry this weight, and it pulls me deeper and deeper into sorrow. I fight to reach the surface, but the life is being wrenched from my slow-beating heart. Before my death is consummate, I sputter out Your name.
"Lord Jesus, please save me!"
Even now, the sun fills the sky, but I am too ashamed to let the light reveal the mire that covers my face... Suddenly, I feel You hands upon me. With one stroke, you clear the grime and upon removal of that which hung around my eyes, my gaze has been restored to clarity.
I look upon You an empty and tattered spirit. You tear the cloak from my body and the action sends a terrifying jolt throughout the mortal cage that holds my spirit. I can feel my own my weakness, and You rattle me to the very core with Your might. I am small and insignificant in Your presence, yet You treat me with such care and importance.
You treat me as a child who has found his way back home. I fear You, and I love you, even as You break me with compassion. Your touch upon me is gentle and forbearing as You put me back together piece by piece and make me to stand.
I find that I am new… As if I were recreated, I have been transformed into something that loves in the only way there is to love… I love with Your love deep in my heart.
I was a wretch… I was a dirty, broken, battered piece of unwanted junk... But You saw what no one else could see. You picked me up and repaired me, and cleaned me until I reflected You. Now I can function, and with You to turn the wheels I can do what I was made to do.
You are sacrificial… You are compassion… You are judgment… You are love itself, and you loved me though I hated You. You loved me anyway…. You, my Lord, my King… You are everything.