Gone so quickly. In a flash, life was different.
Life was always different, true. That’s a cornerstone of life. If it’s not changing, then you’re not even dead. Even death changes. If nothing changes…well, I’m not sure what you are.
This was a new different, though. A car had been crushed, my love was okay, but I was numb. It didn’t seem real. I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t scared and I don’t know why. I should be. He could’ve died. Instead, I just…I didn’t know what to do.
Looking back, it was probably shock. I’d been involved in a few wrecks of my own (always someone else driving), so I knew what he’d be going through. I warned him of shock, warned him of what would happen when it left him. I didn’t think to warn myself.
It could’ve ended. Life as I know it could’ve ended. Again. It’d already ended once this year, changed with a death. Another could’ve happened and I don’t know what life would be like after that.
I’m lucky. I have two dogs that need me. I wouldn’t have been able to lose myself, but I don’t know how I wouldn’t have. Without him I wouldn’t have the luxury to do that-but without him, how could I do anything else?
It didn’t happen. He’s fine. Not even too banged up. He’s fine.
It could’ve. The car is wrecked, I don’t know what will happen, but he’s ok. I don’t care about the car, but even my worry for him seems remote. It doesn’t seem real and I feel sick that it doesn’t and I want it to. I want to cry and fret. I want to stress.
Instead, I just feel…odd. No adrenaline pumped through my veins, no come-down has left me with an aching head or bad temper. But I don’t feel right. I feel almost right, and that is enough to make me feel awful and I’m tired.
I’m tired of not feeling the way I feel like I should. I’m tired of not knowing if my feelings are strong enough one day and knowing they are more than enough the next. I’m tired of life not being a movie filled with too many ups and none of the boring stuff. I’m tired of worrying. I’m just so damn tired.
I feel fine—and that’s enough to make me feel sick.