The Prince And The Author

"Mr. Vulgo!" a man yelled as he ran down the hall. He had a thick stack of papers clutched under his arm and the determination of the paparazzi. Ahead of him, another man stopped and rubbed his temple.

"Yes, Deric?" Vulgo asked with a sigh.

"I know I've shown you thirty... seven, stories already. But I really, really want you to read this one! I think you might even want to publish this baby! I have a good feeling about it!" If glee were a physical object, they would have been crushed by the sheer weight.

Vulgo sighed once again. He seemed to do that allot whenever Deric was around. "Fine, fine, is that it?" he asked, gesturing to the papers under his arm.

"Yes, sir!" Deric said.

Vulgo took the papers and flipped to the first page.

*********

The ornate halls of King Ress's castle were usually very silent. But on this day, a rather smelly out of shape squire was running toward a wooden door. Panting, he pushed the large door open.

"Pr... Prin..." "Stop spitting on my shiny floor!" a very toned man with blond hair yelled. Currently, he was wiping down a suit of armor with something that smelled like duck fat.

"I'm sorry, my Prince. But, the... the King. He says the Fort is under attack!"

The rag fell from the Prince's hand. "Fort Ress?"

"Yes, my Prince."

"I'm on my way." The Prince started the arduous task of putting on his armor while the squire spoke. "But my Prince! Surely, you don't intend to - "

"Squire, I am Prince Charming Ress The Fifth! I have singlehandedly saved over 30 princesses in the last 5 years! I have battled countless beasts and magics, fought dragons, and..."

"Well, actually my Prince, " the squire began. "Your sister has just been dragged off by a dragon."

"What?!?" The prince yelled.

"You know, red scales, breathes fire, large claws, they're kind of hard to miss actually. Like nature's attention hogs."

"I know what a blasted dragon is!" the Prince yelled.

"Oh, yes, of course my Prince. That is why you can't go and help the fight at Fort Ress, you must save the Princess from the dragon that dragged off with her!"

"What is your name?" the Prince seethed.

"Billy, Billy the squire."

"Remind me to hurt you very badly in a way that doesn't sound too bad for children when I get back!"

The Prince burst from the room, at least as much so as he could with 300 pounds of shiny armor on his back, and ran to the stable he kept his horse in.

Within minutes he was running down the countryside, following the 3 foot deep footprints left by the massive dragon. He kept his eyes open for a castle, because of course all dragons who take princesses live in castles. Mostly in areas with bad weather where thunderstorms were common.

He came up to a castle that looked promising. Mostly because of the 3 foot deep tracks that stopped just outside of a gaping hole in the wall. As well, when he went inside, the floor was cracked and busted in several places.

"Hello, Mr. Dragon?" he called. "The hole was open so I let myself in, I hope you don't mind?"

It was silent as he looked around, and it seemed the dragon had a great taste in art. "What an exquisite piece." he murmured as he gazed at one particularly large painting. It depicted a knight holding up his shield to protect him from the dragons blast of fire.

"Why yes it is, isn't it?" a voice said behind him.He looked over his shoulder to see the dragon there, looking over him at the painting.

"You can talk?" the Prince asked.

"Yes, of course. Most dragons can, just normally we're to busy fighting for our lives against people trying to steal our homes."

"So, where did you get this painting?" the Prince asked intrigued.

"Oh, I had a nobleman paint it when some cut-throat barbarian came in here trying to trash the place. I swear, the nerve of some people. So, what is the purpose of your visit today?"

"Straight to the point, I like that in a dragon. Well, I came looking for my sister, the Princess. Did you happen to take her?"

The dragon thought for a moment. "Castle Ress? Over by Fort Ress?"

"Yes! That's the one! You've seen her?"

"Yes yes. I went over to the castle, trying to sell one of my paintings. You know the economy today, so depressing. Anyway, she liked it so much she asked if there were more. I told her yes, and she asked if she could come and see them. And no one denies the Princess, am I right?"

They shared a short laugh, then the Prince asked if he could see his sister.

"Of course, she's upstairs. I'm afraid my bulk prevents me from being able to show you the way, so why don't you go on up ahead?"

The Prince climbed the spiraling staircase, oddly enough it went up straight to the top without stopping at any other floor of the castle.

By the time he got there he was panting; going up 10 stories in 300 pounds of shining armor can by tiring.

"Charming, what are you doing here?" The Princess asked. "I... have come... to rescue you." he wheezed out between breathes.

"And, who told you I needed saving?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Billy the squire told me the dragon dragged off with you."

"Why did you say it like that?" she asked.

"Say what like what?"

"You said the dragon dragged off with you. I don't think that's proper English."

The Prince scoffed. "Do you honestly think that's the only problem with something I've said? I wouldn't be surprised to find out I'd misspelled something I've said!"

"Is that even possible?"

"I don't know, probably not. Now lets go home."

"Fine, you always ruin all my fun."

The Prince opened the door and they made it down all the stairs.

"Thank you for the lovely time." The Princess said as they walked out the gaping hole in the wall.

"Come back any time!" the dragon called. "And if you bring some gold, I'll sell you a few more paintings if you'd like!"

They both climbed onto the horse and started galloping back toward home. Halfway there, the Prince begins to laugh. "What?' The Princess asks.

"Oh, nothing."

"Just tell me!" The princess yells.

"Fine, fine." the Prince says, his ears ringing. "What if we told everyone I did rescue you? We'd be famous!"

The Princess slapped the back of his head. "Don't say such nasty things about the dragon! he was very nice to us. Besides, we're the Kings children. We are kind of already famous."

"I guess." the Prince mumbles.

"I have a question for you though. When did you start speaking this way?" the Princess asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You know. You don't say 'thou' or 'thy' or 'hither' or anything like that!"

"Oh, it really is so much simpler to understand. Why?"

"It just makes a bad first impression, you know? People expect us to talk like that. It just makes everyone actually believe we're real medieval royalty."

"But we are real medieval royalty!"

"Yes, but we have to sell that fact or no one will believe it!"

********

Mr. Vulgo handed the papers back. "I'll... think about it." he grunted.

"Thank you, thank you so much! You can keep these to read more if you like!" Deric proceeded to shove the stack of papers into Vulgo's stomach and ran out the door. And while Deric was busy pulling out his cell phone to call relatives, he cast the paper into the nearest trash can.

The End

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