Once upon a mistletoe evening, there was a giant monster monkey. This monkey had four arms and only one leg, coinsidently not being able to walk. Now most monkeys are jungle lovers that swing from branch to branch, but our monkey, called funky, was more adapt to the life of a frog.
He would sit on his leg and hold his four out, bent at the elbows and the wrists, to make the same shape as the frog's throat. Every few minute, funky would move his arms into his chest and let out a very loud croak. A monkey ribbit.
Funky the monkey continued doing this until noon, when he would jump into the small lake that he usually sat beside and - using his foot as a flipper - would swim under the waterfall, around the entire perimeter of the pool and jump back out to hop along on his one foot.
Funky was the perfect frog role-model and the perfect monkey victim. His fellow monkeys would throw everything they had at him, whether it was banana skins, rotten fruit or even another monkey. Now, you may be asking how is this possible? Well fortunately for you and unfortunately for dear funky, I know the answer.
Donkey the monkey was a particularly bad monkey. Known for his hypocritic games like Donkey Kong, he was not what the human public really thought he was. Indeed he could pick up barrels and indeed he could ride an ostrich, but what we didn't know was more sinister.
After his final battle, he turned to the monkeys and said something that would change their lives.
"I was doing this for me, haven't you noticed the TNT strapped to you?"
Twenty monkeys died that day, including Diddy Kong. Donkey became the leader of the pack and Funky's main bully. He was strong enough to mutilate poor little Funky.
Funky went to his little shelter in his little tree, once again covered in the remains of his fellow monkey's lunch. He opened up the waterworks for the rest of that night, listening to party in honour of Donkey's achievement.
But in his moment of despair he came up with a plan. A plan that would change the world....
Or just his life, but he didn't care.
Little Funky made his way back to the party, to face his enemy head on. Only to be distracted by a frog gathering.
Now, Funky had become popular with the frogs from his protection events, like the banana throwing contest. He was the target. He tried his best to stop Donkey from attacking his dearly beloved frogs. For this long he had suceeded, but the news he heard that night changed his perspective on the matter.
The first frog to speak was Dog. A bulldog of a frog, Funky put the two names together, hence we have the bullfrog. Dog the bullfrog was a large, and ugly looking green blob that seemed to have premise over all of the others. Possibly because he was the fattest.
"Now, my dear frogs. Donkey has shown his weakness. We know how to beat him!" Dog exclaimed as the frogs cheered in croaks. "He is a stupid mammal, for christ sakes. Hit him where it hurts."
Funky felt a primal urge to ask where it hurts, but he remembered what happened last time he spoke up, and shrank down. The other frogs turned to look at him, expecting him to ask. He said nothing.
"Where will it hurt you're supposed to ask, you nimwits!" Dog bellowed as the other frogs dropped their jaws to the floor. "His pride, that's where it hurts!"
The frogs all turned to each other and nodded in agreement. Dog looked to Funky in a authoritive manner and spoke once again to the frog society.
"I think Funky should do it, all in favour!" He stuttered out quickly, hoping that Funky the monkey wouldn't hear his plan.
All of the frogs croaked out "I" within a few seconds and Funky was brought to the front podium, where he sat uncomfortably. It was a big task for him to accomplish and indeed he would have to accomplish it. He didn't think about the failure.
"You shall beat this stupid, defiant, aggressive, bad-mannered, ill-fated..." Dog started on a long list of descriptive words that I don't think any writer really had the time for. After a few hours, he finished with a few last words. "bad breathed, faint hearted, oppressive and somewhat sexy monkey, with your own super speedy, super cool dance moves."
The crowd went silent at his last two words. Funky had never danced before in his life; he was too busy sitting and croaking to bother with dancing or swinging. He was the best frog-monkey anyone had ever met, and of course, no one had met one before.
Dog the bullfrog pushed Funky out of the meeting and all the way to the monkeys' favourite set of trees. He stood infront of Donkey the bad monkey and slipped out a goofy smile. Donkey let out a laugh so loud, it echoed around the jungle. Or possibly it was just the other monkeys.
"He's here to take you on in a dance expo. Think you can win?" Dog the bullfrog asked, shying away as he did so.
Donkey Kong pulled out of his tree a large stereo system with a CD within. He pushed the play button and stretched his fingers, each one clicking. His track came on straight after. "It's like that" came from the speakers loudly, making the trees shake.
Donkey returned to the stereo and pressed the skip track. His next track was not something Funky was expecting.
The hamster dance song came from the speakers within and Donkey started robot walking from the left side to the right side. All of his monkey followers looked at each other with a confused expression and shook their faces.
Funky had already got tired of the track and moved it back to the track before, using all of his arms to crack down some breakdance moves no man, woman, child, alien, or monkey had ever seen. Each monkey applauded as Funky continued his dancing. Donkey knew what had happened. He had been served.
Donkey Kong let out a roar and ran quickly for Funky, who used his fours arms to run away. Donkey was closing in on him fast and Funky didn't have many options, until he was at the lake mouth. He jumped in and swam to the center.
Donkey-who of course was described by Dog as a stupid monkey- jumped in after little Funky. Sadly Donkey didn't know how to swim and was sooned shot by the monkey Mafia. Yes, he did not drown. Donkey would of made too much noise if he had simply drowned, so instead the Mafia murdered him and took his body to a secret location.
The monkeys looked at each other once again in confusion and then muttered between themselves. Funky then spoke. Not to the monkeys, not to the frogs, but to someone else.
"You suck at writing endings. Killed by the Mafia, that's as stupid as me having one foot. You are a terrible writer. That ending was so anti-climatic. You stupid author" Funky exclaimed, looking pointedly at my direction.
I think he was speaking to the branch behind me. He obviously couldn't of been talking to me. But we will never know the truth to whether Funky's adventures are over. Perhaps they've just begun.
"And that is sooo pokémon. You're useless." Funky exclaimed once again as I reached into my pocket, preparing to get trigger-happy.