Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Six
[Harry, Neville, Ginny and Luna are getting off the train. Other Hogwarts students are getting off as well.]
Harry:So, let’s uh-
Ginny:(flutters eyelashes) You can do whatever you want, Harry.
Luna:(scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.
Harry:(looks scared) Listen, you guys seem to be a (s) little-
[Hermione and Ron come running up to greet Harry and others.]
Harry:(s) THANK MERLIN.
[Harry embraces Ron and refuses to let go. Hermione looks confused.]
Luna:(scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.
Hermione:(s) Excuse me?
Harry:(still clinging on to Ron) Where’s (s) Hagrid?
Ron:I- I don’t know.
Ginny:We should really get... in to some carriages.
[Ginny winks at Harry, who whimpers and hides behind Ron.]
Hermione:Good (s) idea.
[The group walks over to some carriages, which are being pulled by some creepy looking horses.]
Harry:(lets go of Ron) Woah, whoah, hold up. What are (gestures to horses) they?
Ron:What do you (s) mean, Harry?
Harry:Those things pulling the (s) carriages.
Hermione:Harry, there’s nothing there. Like (s) always.
[The rest of the group enters a carriage, except Harry and Luna, who hang around outside. Harry approaches a horse and starts to touch it.]
Harry:I don’t (s) understand.
Luna:(scoffs) I can see them too.
Luna:You’re just as sane as I am. (scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.
Luna:Get in the carriage, fool.
[Luna enters the carriage, leaving Harry standing and looking very confused. Dramatic music.]
[Draco and the gang are in a carriage together.]
Draco:But who (s) shall be our authority figure?
Crabbe:What about (s) Snape?
[Everyone bursts out laughing.]
Goyle:No, he’s not our friend!
Draco:It cannot be anyone (s) in cahoots with Dumbledore.
Crabbe:What about (s) Dumbledore?
[Harry and the gang are sitting with the rest of the Gryffindors in the Great Hall.]
Harry:I wonder (s) who is going to be our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
Ron:Maybe it’ll be (s) Moody again!
Hermione:No, Ron, no.
Harry:I hope it will be (s) a friend.
[Thunderclaps and lightning can be seen and heard outside. The doors swing open, and the gust of wind blows out all the candles. In comes a woman, looking extremely manly, dressed all in pink.]
[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table.]
Draco:Are you (s) thinking what I’m thinking, gang?
Crabbe:I (s) hope so.
Draco:We’ve (s) found our authority figure.
[Harry and the gang are looking gobsmacked at the Gryffindor table.]
Ron:She’s so (s) masculine.
Hermione:(hits Ron over the head) RON! Be more (s) accepting.
Harry:She looks kind of (s) familiar.
[Umbridge takes her seat at the teacher’s table. Dumbledore stands up and flutters to the podium.]
Dumbledore:Welcome to another (s) glitter-tastic year at Hogwarts!
[Confetti canons go off and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling. Everyone cheers.]
Dumbledore:We’ve got a very (s) special first day back treat, and as it is time sensitive-
Umbridge:(coughs) If you don’t mind, Albus.
Dumbledore:(s) Oh, I see how it is.
[Dumbledore flits back to his seat, and sits in it sassily.]
[The students mumble amongst themselves.]
Umbridge:I said, (screams) HELLO CHILDREN.
Umbridge:I understand that there are certain people here that I am already... familiar with.
[Umbridge looks straight at Harry, who looks alarmed.]
Umbridge:But may I remind you that I am here not to be your friend, but to take revenge- I mean educate you. And to educate you further, I am now going to read out the Terms and Conditions for Australia Post. Here we go; “These Australia Post Terms and Conditions are made pursuant to...”
[Sign comes up with “Six hours later”]
Umbridge:“... agreement shall have no force or effect unless otherwise stated herein.”
[Umbridge sits down. Everyone wakes up.]
Harry:Where (s) am I?
Hermione:That was (s) illuminating.
Harry:(s) You were awake the whole time?
Hermione:No, actually, but I had a (s) weird dream about a vampire.
Ron:(s) Me too!
Harry:Well, at least it’s (s) over.
[Dumbledore stumbles to the front.]
Dumbledore:(yawning) Due to Professor Umbridge’s rather long speech, the life sized chocolate trolls have eaten each other by now. Everyone can now enjoy these brussel sprouts instead.
[Dumbledore waves his wand and brussel sprouts appear on everyone’s plates.]
Harry:No one makes (s) Harry Potter eat vegetables.
Hermione:What are you (s) saying, Harry?
Harry:I’m saying (s0 shoot just got personal.
[Dramatic music partly because he swore as well and also because it just got personal woah.]
[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table, all slightly in shock.]
Crabbe:Do we still (s) want her to be our authority figure.
Draco:New plan. We solve the Mystery of “WHY THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS IS UMBRIDGE EVEN HERE?” mystery.
[Harry and Ron are with the other Gryffindor boys in their dormitories.]
Harry:And then we should fill her office with (s) locusts.
Ron:(s) What about water balloons?
Harry:(looks extremely offended) Well, ya mum.
[Everyone looks schokced and gasps and goes “ooh”.]
Seamus:How (s) dare you?
Harry:Well I double dare you.
Ron:(moves inbetween them) Come on guys, there’s no need to get physical.
Seamus:Harry, you’re a liar.
Harry:(s) MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!
[Everyone looks shocked and stares at Harry.]
Seamus:(s) I don’t know what I’m meant to believe in anymore.
Harry:(takes Seamus’s face in his hands) Believe in (s) me.
END OF EPISODE SIX