Episode SixMature

Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Six

Scene 1:

[Harry, Neville, Ginny and Luna are getting off the train. Other Hogwarts students are getting off as well.]

Harry:So, let’s uh-

Ginny:(flutters eyelashes) You can do whatever you want, Harry.

Luna:(scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.

Neville:(grunts) Humph.

Harry:(looks scared) Listen, you guys seem to be a (s) little-

[Hermione and Ron come running up to greet Harry and others.]



[Harry embraces Ron and refuses to let go. Hermione looks confused.]

Luna:(scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.

Hermione:(s) Excuse me?

Luna:(pauses) Nothing.

Harry:(still clinging on to Ron) Where’s (s) Hagrid?

Ron:I- I don’t know.

[Dramatic music.]

Ginny:We should really get... in to some carriages.

[Ginny winks at Harry, who whimpers and hides behind Ron.]

Hermione:Good (s) idea.

[The group walks over to some carriages, which are being pulled by some creepy looking horses.]

Harry:(lets go of Ron) Woah, whoah, hold up. What are (gestures to horses) they?

Ron:What do you (s) mean, Harry?

Harry:Those things pulling the (s) carriages.

Hermione:Harry, there’s nothing there. Like (s) always.

[Dramatic music.]

Harry:(s) But...

[The rest of the group enters a carriage, except Harry and Luna, who hang around outside. Harry approaches a horse and starts to touch it.]

Harry:I don’t (s) understand.

Luna:(scoffs) I can see them too.

Harry:(s) What?

Luna:You’re just as sane as I am. (scoffs) Ugh, so mainstream.

Harry:(s) What?

Luna:Get in the carriage, fool.

[Luna enters the carriage, leaving Harry standing and looking very confused. Dramatic music.]


Scene 2:

[Draco and the gang are in a carriage together.]

Draco:But who (s) shall be our authority figure?

Crabbe:What about (s) Snape?

[Everyone bursts out laughing.]

Goyle:No, he’s not our friend!

Draco:It cannot be anyone (s) in cahoots with Dumbledore.

Crabbe:What about (s) Dumbledore?

[Dramatic music.]

Goyle:... no.


Scene 3:

[Harry and the gang are sitting with the rest of the Gryffindors in the Great Hall.]

Harry:I wonder (s) who is going to be our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Ron:Maybe it’ll be (s) Moody again!

Hermione:No, Ron, no.

Harry:I hope it will be (s) a friend.

[Thunderclaps and lightning can be seen and heard outside. The doors swing open, and the gust of wind blows out all the candles. In comes a woman, looking extremely manly, dressed all in pink.]


[Dramatic music.]


Scene 4:

[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table.]

Draco:Are you (s) thinking what I’m thinking, gang?

Goyle:(s) Maybe?

Crabbe:I (s) hope so.

Draco:We’ve (s) found our authority figure.

[Dramatic music]


Scene 5:

[Harry and the gang are looking gobsmacked at the Gryffindor table.]

Ron:She’s so (s) masculine.

Hermione:(hits Ron over the head) RON! Be more (s) accepting.

Harry:She looks kind of (s) familiar.

[Umbridge takes her seat at the teacher’s table. Dumbledore stands up and flutters to the podium.]

Dumbledore:Welcome to another (s) glitter-tastic year at Hogwarts!

[Confetti canons go off and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling. Everyone cheers.]

Dumbledore:We’ve got a very (s) special first day back treat, and as it is time sensitive-

Umbridge:(coughs) If you don’t mind, Albus.

Dumbledore:(s) Oh, I see how it is.

[Dumbledore flits back to his seat, and sits in it sassily.]

Umbridge:Hello, children.

[The students mumble amongst themselves.]

Umbridge:I said, (screams) HELLO CHILDREN.


Umbridge:I understand that there are certain people here that I am already... familiar with.

[Umbridge looks straight at Harry, who looks alarmed.]

Umbridge:But may I remind you that I am here not to be your friend, but to take revenge- I mean educate you. And to educate you further, I am now going to read out the Terms and Conditions for Australia Post. Here we go; “These Australia Post Terms and Conditions are made pursuant to...”

[Sign comes up with “Six hours later”]

Umbridge:“... agreement shall have no force or effect unless otherwise stated herein.”

[Umbridge sits down. Everyone wakes up.]

Harry:Where (s) am I?

Ron:What happened?

Hermione:That was (s) illuminating.

Harry:(s) You were awake the whole time?

Hermione:No, actually, but I had a (s) weird dream about a vampire.

Ron:(s) Me too!

Harry:Well, at least it’s (s) over.

[Dumbledore stumbles to the front.]

Dumbledore:(yawning) Due to Professor Umbridge’s rather long speech, the life sized chocolate trolls have eaten each other by now. Everyone can now enjoy these brussel sprouts instead.

[Dumbledore waves his wand and brussel sprouts appear on everyone’s plates.]

Ron:Oh, man.

Harry:No one makes (s) Harry Potter eat vegetables.

Hermione:What are you (s) saying, Harry?

Harry:I’m saying (s0 shoot just got personal.

[Dramatic music partly because he swore as well and also because it just got personal woah.]


Scene 6:

[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table, all slightly in shock.]


Crabbe:Do we still (s) want her to be our authority figure.

Goyle:H-e-double-hockey-sticks no.

Crabbe:(s) Draco?

Draco:New plan. We solve the Mystery of “WHY THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS IS UMBRIDGE EVEN HERE?” mystery.

[Dramatic music.]


Scene 7:

[Harry and Ron are with the other Gryffindor boys in their dormitories.]

Harry:And then we should fill her office with (s) locusts.

Ron:(s) What about water balloons?

Seamus:Hey, Harry.

Harry:Yeah, Seamus?

Seamus:You suck.

Harry:(looks extremely offended) Well, ya mum.

[Everyone looks schokced and gasps and goes “ooh”.]

Seamus:How (s) dare you?

Harry:Well I double dare you.

Ron:(moves inbetween them) Come on guys, there’s no need to get physical.

Seamus:Harry, you’re a liar.


[Everyone looks shocked and stares at Harry.]

Seamus:(s) I don’t know what I’m meant to believe in anymore.

Harry:(takes Seamus’s face in his hands) Believe in (s) me.

Seamus:I can’t.

[Dramatic music.]


The End

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