Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Five
[Harry and Ron are in their bedroom with their unopened letters from Hogwarts.]
Harry:You (s) open yours first.
Ron:No, you (s) open yours first.
[Fred and George apparate into the room.]
Fred:Don’t be such pussies.
George:You guys are both wussies.
[Harry and Ron look at each other, shrug and tear open their letters. Ron goes white immediately.]
Harry:We have new (s) books.
Fred:I wonder; who’s our new teacher?
George:I hope it’s not a preacher.
Harry:Maybe it will be (s) someone dreamy…
Fred:Or someone whose hair is orange.
George:(long pause) You dick.
Ron:(stands up and s) I am the new Gryffindor prefect.
[At Malfoy Manor. Draco and the gang are in Draco’s bedroom with their unopened letters from Hogwarts.]
Crabbe:You (s) open yours first.
[Draco and Goyle tears theirs open. Crabbe looks annoyed, but opens his as well, moodily.]
Goyle:Sweet. We’ve got to go shopping.
Crabbe: (s) Really? Because your repetitive wardrobe is starting to annoy me.
Goyle:(cattily) Meow. [Ha ha, I just made a pun. Not really actually. BUT STILL.]
Draco:Guys… I’m (s) Prefect.
[Harry is at the party celebrating Ron and Hermione becoming prefects. Moody is near him, showing him a photograph.]
Moody:Look, there’s me with your parents! Aw, they were always so up for adventure! We would travel –
Moody:(fiddles with bowtie) Yes, Harry?
Harry:I have (s) inner angst.
Moody:We all have inner angst, Harry. It’s just a natural part of things. Espicially if you’re the last of your kind and the things I’ve done to people that I’ve loved have not been nice, but it was the right thing to do AND I KILLED MY OWN PEOPLE.
[Moody stares intensely into the middle distance. After a minute, Harry awkwardly goes over to Ron instead.]
Harry:(takes Ron’s hand) I am (s) glad you made prefect, Ron.
Ron:I (s) believe in you, Harry.
[Back at Malfoy Manor.]
Crabbe:I am (s) not surprised.
Goyle:But what about (s) us?
Draco:What do you (s) mean?
Goyle:What will happen to our (s) friendship?
[Harry and the gang are dancing at the party.]
Hermione:WOOH, THIS IS AWESOME!
Harry:Are you okay, (s) Hermione?
Ron:You’re (s) shouting.
Hermione:MUNDUNGUS GAVE ME SOME PILLS AND I DON’T KNOW, I FEEL QUITE GOOD.
[There is a piercing scream.]
Ron:(s) MY MOTHER!
[Everyone rushes upstairs, to see Molly confronting a Dementor. Molly is cowering in the corner.]
Dementor:nd den I slipi my hand donw vampyires pansts an is yu kjnow wha isd alkj hasrd liyk a carrloft
Dementor:oh ai vamlire nd mary bnloody sjimth and dibaloe u al wan jktsj of dis rite
[A poster of Hillary Duff appears.]
Dementor:anh nkeo a perpp
[The Dementor vanishes with a puff of smoke. Harry rushes to Molly’s aid.]
Harry:(clasping Molly to his chest) I never knew I (s) meant that much to you.
Molly:What language were they speaking in?
Harry:Hush, child, you’re (s) safe now.
[Harry continues to rock Molly back and forth whilst humming a lullaby. Dramatic music.]
[At Malfoy Manor. Draco and the gang are puzzling out how to overcome this new barrier to their friendship.]
Crabbe:What if we (s) also became prefects.
Draco:There’s only one (s) prefect, Vincent.
Goyle:What if we become a (s) team?
Draco:And we will be called (s) Draco’s Inquisitorial Squad!
Crabbe:And we will (s) solve crimes!
Goyle:What a (s) great idea!
Draco:Golly, there is (s) no flaw to it.
[At Platform 9 3/4. Harry and the gang, the Weasleys, Tonks and Sirius as a dog are all on the platform.]
Sirius:(wags tail) Woof.
Harry:Sirius, how do you think this year at (s) Hogwarts will go?
Harry:I shall (s) take your wise words of advice to heart and abide by them.
Hermione:Harry, we’ve got to (s) board the train.
Harry:Goodbye (s) Sirius.
[Sirius and the adults leave. The students enter the train.]
Harry:(cheerily) let’s (s) grab a cabin!
Ron:Harry, (s) we’ve got to go do prefect things.
Harry:(angstily) Oh. (s) Goodbye, then.
Hermione:Come on, let’s (s) go.
[Ron and Hermione leave Harry all alone. Ginny comes up behind Harry.]
Ginny:(whispers into his ear) Come on, let’s find a place where we can be alone.
[Ginny takes Harry by the hand and leads him into a cabin with Neville and a girl in a corner, reading a magazine upside down.]
Ginny:Harry, this is Neville…
Ginny:(gestures to girl in corner) … and Luna Lovegood.
[Luna lowers the magazine and lifts one eyebrow.]
[Harry looks confused. Confused music.]
[Draco and the gang are in a cabin on the Hogwarts express]
Draco:What should we (s) do now?
Crabbe:(s) Solve mysteries!
Goyle:But (s) what mysteries?
Draco:We’re going to need someone to (s) tell us about mysteries.
Goyle:Like (s) who?
Draco:(surprised) You do?
Crabbe:Yes. We are going to need someone who is an authority figure, but with a thirst for more power and knowledge. And someone who is stupid enough to enlist teenage boys to help them.
Goyle:Wow, that was (s) impressive.
Crabbe:(blushes) Oh it was nothing.
Draco:Then we know our first mystery. (s) To solve the mystery of us having a boss.
[Harry is awkwardly sitting in the cabin with Ginny, Neville and Luna.]
Harry:Why are you (s) reading your magazine upside down?
Luna:I’m doing it ironically. Duh.
Harry:…right. (sighs and looks out the window.)
END OF EPISODE FIVE