Episode FourMature

Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Four

Scene 1:

[Harry and Arthur are travelling to the Ministry of Magic. They are currently on the “tube”]

Arthur:Harry…

Harry: (s) Yes?

Arthur:Do you know what the, uh, Oh Lee Em Pics are?

[Harry stares at Arthur in horror.]

Harry:… not a clue.

[The camera pans out, showing that Harry and Arthur are surrounded by a sea of Olympic-themed madness. Olympic music.]

 

Scene 2:

[Draco is at Malfoy Manor, playing on a gaming console. Mr Malfoy walks in.]

Mr Malfoy:Well, I’m off.

Draco:(bored) Where?

Mr Malfoy:To the Ministry of Magic.

Draco:Bye then.

Mr Malfoy:To see Harry Potter’s hearing.

Draco:(s) WHAT.

[Dramatic music.]

 

Scene 3:

[Harry and Arthur are in the Ministry of Magic, in Arthur’s office.]

Arthur:And this is my office.

Harry:It’s rather (s) small.

Arthur:(offended) But…

[Perkins pops out of nowhere.]

Arthur:Perkins!

Perkins:(yells) IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Arthur:What are you-

Harry:(s) OF COURSE. THEY’VE MOVED THE TIME AND THE PLACE.

[Harry runs off. Arthur stares at Perkins questioningly.]

Perkins: (shrugs) No one insultsmyoffice and gets away with it.

 

Scene 4:

[Draco is at Malfoy Manor, with Crabbe and Goyle on Skype.]

Draco:Do you know what this (s) means?

Crabbe:No.

Draco:WE HAVE TO (s) RESCUE POTTER!

[Dramatic music.]

Goyle:Why?

 

Scene 5:

[Harry bursts into Courtroom Ten. A bunch of wizards, including Fudge and a strangely masculine woman dressed all in pink, look up and stare at him, surprised.]

Harry:(points finger accusingly) HOW DARE YOU CHANGE THE TIME AND VENUE WITHOUT TELLING ME.

Fudge:But we didn’t.

Harry:THEN WHY ARE YOU (s) HERE?

Fudge:This is our break room. We’re having breakfast.

Harry:(looks confused) Oh… but I- PERKINS!

[Dumbledore throws open the doors and flounces in.]

Dumbledore:What is the (s) meaning of this?

Fudge:We’re having tea.

Dumbledore:(s) And you thought I wouldn’t find out.

Fudge:But-

Dumbledore:Let’s just get this (s) twisted phantasmagoria over with.

[Dramatic music.]

 

Scene 6:

[Draco is still at Malfoy Manor, still on Skype with his gang.]

Crabbe:I thought we hated Potter.

Draco:(s) WE DO.

Goyle:Then why do we want to rescue him?

Crabbe:Sure it is more beneficial to us to just let him hurt himself.

Goyle:Maybe we should even help them in some way.

Crabbe:Yeah, why not?

Draco:(s) BECAUSE HE SAVED MY LIFE.

[Dramatic music.]

 

Scene 7:

[Harry, Dumbledore and the Ministry are in Courtroom Ten, aka the break room.]

Fudge:Well, since you are here anyway I guess we could do it now.

Dumbledore:You (s) better.

Fudge:Right, well, uh, Harry James Potter you are charged with casting a Patronus charm in front of a Muggle. Do you deny these charges?

Harry:No.

[Silence.]

Fudge:Well, then I guess I’ll have to convict you.

Dumbledore:STOP! I have a (s) surprise witness.

[Dramatic music.]

Fudge:Who is it?

Dumbledore:Mrs (s) Figg.

[Mrs Figg comes in. More dramatic music.]

Dumbledore:TAKE THAT, FUDGE!

Fudge:Quite. Well, Mrs Figg, what happened?

Mrs Figg:Yes, I am a Squib but there’s no need to let your prejudices show. Well, these Dementors were running-

Bones:Gliding.

Mrs Figg:Yeah, gliding. They looked like they had big black cloaks on or something-

Harry:I’m screwed.

Mrs Figg:-and it felt like (s) all the happiness had gone from the world.

[Dramatic music.]

 

Scene 8:

[At Malfoy Manor. Draco is still on Skype with his gang.]

Goyle:When did Harry Potter save your life?

Draco:Well, okay, he didn’t actually-

Crabbe:So we have no reason to rescue him.

Draco:No, not technically but we should-

Goyle:Draco, it is (s) seven in the morning. I am not going to go to bloody London to rescue Harry Freaking Potter. Good (s) bye.

[Goyle logs off.]

Draco:Are you going to (s) leave me as well, Crabbe?

Crabbe:Well…

[Dramatic music.]

 

Scene 9:

[In Courtroom Ten. Harry and Dumbledore are facing the wizard court. No, that is not the technical name but bear with me.]

Fudge:I guess that you’ll be excused from-

Dumbledore:(s) You do not have the authority to expel Hogwarts students.

Fudge:I didn’t say-

Dumbledore:It is against the law to interfere with the punishment of (s) my students.

Fudge:Okay.

Dumbledore:Why were there (s) Dementors in Little Whinging in the first place?

Fudge:Um.

Dumbledore:Unless it is a (s) CONSPIRACY.

Harry:(stands up) I KNEW IT.

[Dramatic music.]

 

Scene 10:

[Hermione and Ron are at the Burrow, playing Wizard Monopoly with Ginny, Fred and George.]

Hermione:I wonder how (s) Harry is going.

Ginny:Probably sexually. (Fluffs hair.)

Fred:Ginny, we think you need to stop.

George:Before your cherry goes pop.

Hermione:(s and testily) What are you saying?

Fred:We are just looking out for her.

George:We’d do that for you and more.

Hermione:No, but what you’re saying is-

Ron:(stands up) I MISS HARRY.

[Everyone stares at Ron, who gazes mystically at the ceiling.]

 

Scene 11:

[In Courtroom Ten. Things have escalated quickly.]

Fudge:NO, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SMELLS.

Dumbledore:DON’T HATE ME ‘CAUSE YOU AIN’T ME.

Harry:MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.

[The manly woman in pink stands up and clears her throat.]

Fudge:WHAT IS IT, UMBRIDGE?

Umbridge:Well, I just wanted to say that Mr Potter here has a little reputation for hitting people over the head with food, so I don’t think he should be excused.

[Umbridge sits down.]

Fudge:Thank you, Umbridge. (s) Let’s vote. All those in favour of excusing Mr Potter from his accusations?

[Everyone puts their hands up except for Umbridge and Fudge.]

Fudge:And those who think Mr Potter should be convicted?

[Everyone puts their hands up except for Harry, Dumbledore and Bones.]

Fudge:No wait, you can only vote once. Let’s do that again-

Dumbeldore:NO! IT’S THREE AGAINST (s) TWO!

Fudge:HOW?

Dumbledore:HARRY! (s) YOU ARE NOT EXPELLED FROM HOGWARTS!

Harry:(jumps into the air) YES!

Fudge:You won’t get away with this.

Dumbledore:Whateves.

[Dumbledore prances away.]

Harry:But what about (s) me?

[Dramatic music.]

END OF EPISODE FOUR

A/N: Kind of forgot to upload last week. I apologise sincerely. BUT I am going to do two this weekend! So expect another one soon-ish.

The End

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