Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Four
[Harry and Arthur are travelling to the Ministry of Magic. They are currently on the “tube”]
Harry: (s) Yes?
Arthur:Do you know what the, uh, Oh Lee Em Pics are?
[Harry stares at Arthur in horror.]
Harry:… not a clue.
[The camera pans out, showing that Harry and Arthur are surrounded by a sea of Olympic-themed madness. Olympic music.]
[Draco is at Malfoy Manor, playing on a gaming console. Mr Malfoy walks in.]
Mr Malfoy:Well, I’m off.
Mr Malfoy:To the Ministry of Magic.
Mr Malfoy:To see Harry Potter’s hearing.
[Harry and Arthur are in the Ministry of Magic, in Arthur’s office.]
Arthur:And this is my office.
Harry:It’s rather (s) small.
[Perkins pops out of nowhere.]
Perkins:(yells) IT’S A CONSPIRACY!
Arthur:What are you-
Harry:(s) OF COURSE. THEY’VE MOVED THE TIME AND THE PLACE.
[Harry runs off. Arthur stares at Perkins questioningly.]
Perkins: (shrugs) No one insultsmyoffice and gets away with it.
[Draco is at Malfoy Manor, with Crabbe and Goyle on Skype.]
Draco:Do you know what this (s) means?
Draco:WE HAVE TO (s) RESCUE POTTER!
[Harry bursts into Courtroom Ten. A bunch of wizards, including Fudge and a strangely masculine woman dressed all in pink, look up and stare at him, surprised.]
Harry:(points finger accusingly) HOW DARE YOU CHANGE THE TIME AND VENUE WITHOUT TELLING ME.
Fudge:But we didn’t.
Harry:THEN WHY ARE YOU (s) HERE?
Fudge:This is our break room. We’re having breakfast.
Harry:(looks confused) Oh… but I- PERKINS!
[Dumbledore throws open the doors and flounces in.]
Dumbledore:What is the (s) meaning of this?
Fudge:We’re having tea.
Dumbledore:(s) And you thought I wouldn’t find out.
Dumbledore:Let’s just get this (s) twisted phantasmagoria over with.
[Draco is still at Malfoy Manor, still on Skype with his gang.]
Crabbe:I thought we hated Potter.
Draco:(s) WE DO.
Goyle:Then why do we want to rescue him?
Crabbe:Sure it is more beneficial to us to just let him hurt himself.
Goyle:Maybe we should even help them in some way.
Crabbe:Yeah, why not?
Draco:(s) BECAUSE HE SAVED MY LIFE.
[Harry, Dumbledore and the Ministry are in Courtroom Ten, aka the break room.]
Fudge:Well, since you are here anyway I guess we could do it now.
Dumbledore:You (s) better.
Fudge:Right, well, uh, Harry James Potter you are charged with casting a Patronus charm in front of a Muggle. Do you deny these charges?
Fudge:Well, then I guess I’ll have to convict you.
Dumbledore:STOP! I have a (s) surprise witness.
Fudge:Who is it?
Dumbledore:Mrs (s) Figg.
[Mrs Figg comes in. More dramatic music.]
Dumbledore:TAKE THAT, FUDGE!
Fudge:Quite. Well, Mrs Figg, what happened?
Mrs Figg:Yes, I am a Squib but there’s no need to let your prejudices show. Well, these Dementors were running-
Mrs Figg:Yeah, gliding. They looked like they had big black cloaks on or something-
Mrs Figg:-and it felt like (s) all the happiness had gone from the world.
[At Malfoy Manor. Draco is still on Skype with his gang.]
Goyle:When did Harry Potter save your life?
Draco:Well, okay, he didn’t actually-
Crabbe:So we have no reason to rescue him.
Draco:No, not technically but we should-
Goyle:Draco, it is (s) seven in the morning. I am not going to go to bloody London to rescue Harry Freaking Potter. Good (s) bye.
[Goyle logs off.]
Draco:Are you going to (s) leave me as well, Crabbe?
[In Courtroom Ten. Harry and Dumbledore are facing the wizard court. No, that is not the technical name but bear with me.]
Fudge:I guess that you’ll be excused from-
Dumbledore:(s) You do not have the authority to expel Hogwarts students.
Fudge:I didn’t say-
Dumbledore:It is against the law to interfere with the punishment of (s) my students.
Dumbledore:Why were there (s) Dementors in Little Whinging in the first place?
Dumbledore:Unless it is a (s) CONSPIRACY.
Harry:(stands up) I KNEW IT.
[Hermione and Ron are at the Burrow, playing Wizard Monopoly with Ginny, Fred and George.]
Hermione:I wonder how (s) Harry is going.
Ginny:Probably sexually. (Fluffs hair.)
Fred:Ginny, we think you need to stop.
George:Before your cherry goes pop.
Hermione:(s and testily) What are you saying?
Fred:We are just looking out for her.
George:We’d do that for you and more.
Hermione:No, but what you’re saying is-
Ron:(stands up) I MISS HARRY.
[Everyone stares at Ron, who gazes mystically at the ceiling.]
[In Courtroom Ten. Things have escalated quickly.]
Fudge:NO, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SMELLS.
Dumbledore:DON’T HATE ME ‘CAUSE YOU AIN’T ME.
Harry:MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.
[The manly woman in pink stands up and clears her throat.]
Fudge:WHAT IS IT, UMBRIDGE?
Umbridge:Well, I just wanted to say that Mr Potter here has a little reputation for hitting people over the head with food, so I don’t think he should be excused.
[Umbridge sits down.]
Fudge:Thank you, Umbridge. (s) Let’s vote. All those in favour of excusing Mr Potter from his accusations?
[Everyone puts their hands up except for Umbridge and Fudge.]
Fudge:And those who think Mr Potter should be convicted?
[Everyone puts their hands up except for Harry, Dumbledore and Bones.]
Fudge:No wait, you can only vote once. Let’s do that again-
Dumbeldore:NO! IT’S THREE AGAINST (s) TWO!
Dumbledore:HARRY! (s) YOU ARE NOT EXPELLED FROM HOGWARTS!
Harry:(jumps into the air) YES!
Fudge:You won’t get away with this.
[Dumbledore prances away.]
Harry:But what about (s) me?
END OF EPISODE FOUR
A/N: Kind of forgot to upload last week. I apologise sincerely. BUT I am going to do two this weekend! So expect another one soon-ish.