Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode Two
[Harry is in his darkened room, listening to moody music moodily. There is a knock on the door.]
Harry:Go away (s and whispers) I’m dying.
[Vernon opens the door. He is dressed formally in a tuxedo.]
Vernon:We’re going out, Harry. We’ve won the lottery for 100 million pounds! Would you like to come with?
[Harry throws a pillow at Vernon.]
Harry:(s) NO. I HATE YOU!
[Vernon looks confused and leaves. Harry lies in his bed, in the dark, grimacing.]
Harry:(angstily) I now I (s) don’t have a pillow.
[The Dursleys can be heard leaving. Shortly after, more voices can be heard but are obviously not the Dursleys.]
Harry:(sits up) I- wh- what’s going- (s) BURGLARS!
[Harry grabs his wand, throws open the door of his bedroom and leaps out. Standing in the corridor is Tonks, Lupin, Moody and other wizards.]
Harry:Who are (s) you?
Moody:(fiddles with his bowtie) Well, technically her name is another name but because of parallel universes it’s very dangerous and the whole thing can just go (Tonks glares at Moody) … ka blooey.
Harry:But what about (s) the Dursleys?
Lupin:We told them they won the lottery!
Harry:They deserve (s) it.
Moody:Come one! Gerinomo and all that! (Pops on a fedora and runs out the house)
Harry:But where are we (s) going?
Tonks:It’s a secret.
[Draco and the gang are chilling at Malfoy Manor.]
Draco:What shall we (s) do, friends?
Crabbe:Well, we could-
[There is a knock at the window. Draco and the gang freeze and turn to the window.]
Goyle:(scared) H- hello?
Crabbe: (laughs) That was weird. Now-
[There is another knock on the window. Draco and the gang scream. Dramatic music.]
[Harry and the wizards are all standing outside a gap between two buildings.]
Harry: (confused) Why are we (s) here? There’s nothing.
Moody:Oh, that’s my job.
[Moody runs over to Harry.]
Moody:Now Harry, I want you to close your eyes and concentrate. (Harry does so) Right, now I want you to remember, remember what I- hang on. Wrong thing and person and place and time. (Rummages through pockets) Aha! Here it is! (Pulls out piece of paper and gives it to Harry, who still has his eyes shut) Open your eyes, Harry.
Harry:(looks down at piece of paper in his hands and gasps) Magic!
[The piece of paper reads: 12 Grimmauld Place]
Harry:But… it (s) doesn’t exist.
Lupin:Look again, Harry.
Harry:What? (s and gasps) Oh my Merlin…
[A house has suddenly appeared in the gap. Sirius opens the door, leaps out and hugs Harry.]
Sirius:Welcome (s) home, Harry.
[Draco and the gang are still at Malfoy Manor. They all look shit scared.]
Goyle:That visitor was really (s) something.
Draco:I didn’t even know that they (s) were still alive.
Crabbe:What are we going (s) to do?
Draco:The only thing we can do. (s) Obey his wishes.
[Harry is inside the corridor of Grimmauld Place, greeting everyone.]
Harry:Hi Molly, Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, and… Ginny.
[Ginny is casually sitting on the staircase with her legs crossed. She is dressed quite skimpily and no longer had the appearance of a mound of clothes.]
Ginny:(hair toss) Hey Harry.
[Harry continues to stare at Ginny. Ron and Hermione come up from behind.]
Ron:(crying) HARRY! (Leaps forward and jumps on Harry, hugging him.)
Hermione:It’s so great to (s) see you!
Harry:Can I talk with you two (s) in private?
[Everyone else leaves. The last to go is Ginny, who pouts at Harry before leaving the corridor.]
Harry:Is something (s) new with Ginny?
Hermione:Yeah, she no (s) longer like you.
[Back to Draco and the gang at Malfoy Manor.]
Crabbe:How do we know (s) that it’s a dude?
Goyle:Yeah, he was dressed very (s) metrosexually.
Crabbe:It could have (s) been a female.
Draco:(s) SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!
[Crabbe and Goyle look shocked. Draco looks angry.]
Draco:I know it’s a dude because, because…
[Long dramatic pause]
Draco:… he’s my real father.
Draco:No, you guys are just being ridiculous. I could see his sideburns.
[Slightly less dramatic music.]
[Harry and the gang are in a bedroom together. They are all sitting on the bed.]
Harry:(quietly) So… what have you two been doing?
Ron:(shrugs) Not much.
Harry:(grabs a lamp and throws it at the wall) LIARS! (s) YOU’VE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME!
Hermione:(s) No, we haven’t!
Harry:THEN WHAT DO YOU CALL (s) THIS!
[Harry holds up the piece of paper with “12 Grimmauld Place” written on it.]
Harry:I’M WAITING FOR AN (s) ANSWER!
Ron:Harry, we have nothing to do with-
Harry:I AM ANGRY! (s) REALLY ANGRY!
[Harry picks up a pillow and smashes it against Ron’s face, who collapses.]
Hermione:Harry, this is a perfectly normal reaction.
[Harry roars in response and starts pulling the curtains down.]
Hermione:But we haven’t been allowed to tell you anything.
[Harry now tries to climb the bookcase, pulling down books as he goes.]
Hermione:We’re not even (s) allowed in the meetings.
[Harry pauses, now crouched on top of the bookcase, and looks at Hermione questioningly. Moments later, he is back on the bed with her.]
Harry:Oh, I understand now.
[Ron sits up suddenly and shakes himself a little bit.]
Hermione:Ron, (s) Harry’s calmed down.
Ron:Oh good. Have you (s) told him that everyone hates him now?
Hermione:It’s (s) true…
[Hermione hands Harry a newspaper. The headline reads “We Do Not Like Harry Potter So Much Anymore”.]
Harry:I, I- (puts his head into Hermione’s lap) don’t understand… (starts to cry)
Hermione:Neither do I, Harry. (s) Neither do I.
Ron:I never understand.
END OF EPISODE TWO