Woeful Wizards: Order of the PhoenixMature

Harry and the gang are back for another round of melodramatic dose of adventure, this time for added angst. A soap opera based on Harry Potter.

Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode One:

A/N: I just wanted to say that this is going to be a ridiculously long season. And I will try to get a new episode up every week. This episode is late but THE NEXT ONESWILLBE ON TIME. For those of you joining us, the (s) means swivel.

Feel free to comment/review!

Scene 1:

[Harry is lying in the dirt outside of the Dursley’s house. He appears to not be moving. Just above him, there is a window in which Vernon and Petunia can be seen watching television.]

Television:And now, for the news! Record numbers of stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers strike reaches its second week-

Harry:(still not moving) IT WAS VOLDEMORT!

Vernon:(mildly) Harry, would you like to join us in the living room?


Petunia:You’re going to get your clothes dirty, sweetheart.

Harry:(stands up) FINE THEN. I’m going to go (s) on a walk.

[Harry storms off.]

Vernon:Oh look, an unexplained disappearance and a strange accident.


[Silent music.]

Scene 2:

[Ron and Hermione are at Grimmauld Place, playing cards.]

Ron:Have you got a (s) seven?

Hermione:Do you think we should (s) tell Harry about everything that’s going on?



[They resume playing. Dramatic music.]

Scene 3:

[Harry is at a park, moodily swinging on a… swing. Dudley and his mates approach him.]

Dudley:Right, now that we’ve done all of our homework, what shall we do next?

Piers:Perhaps we should volunteer at a homeless shelter?

Gordon:Or maybe care for the elderly?

Dudley:(sees Harry) I’m going to walk home with my cousin. Good bye, pals!

[Dudley’s friends wave and exit. Dudley approaches Harry.]

Dudley:Shall we walk together, Harry?

Harry:(s) You look like a pig.


[They start walking together.]

Dudley: Harry, have you been feeling well lately?

Harry:(testily) Why do you (s) ask?

Dudley:Well, you’ve been moaning in your sleep and calling out this name, Cedric, and I went into your room once and I thought I saw someone standing in there as well but  I blinked and then he was gone. Harry, I think you have a stalk-

Harry:(puts finger to Dudley’s lips) What was (s) that?

Voice:(very faintly) … and den I pout un fthis lace n satan geddit skirt dat had allof dis lyk pidnk becuas im nt lef other giulrz…

Harry:(looks horrified) No, not (s) here!

[Two goffs Dementors come out of nowhere.]

Dementor 1:oh hai der vampyrse

Dementor 2:whogse da prep

Dudley:(falls to ground and starts choking) I don’t feel well.

Dementor 1:omgi hes totali in luv wif me

Harry:(s)Expecto- expecto-

Dementor 2:letes all gho 2 ho ttopiccc oomg my kemical romcwace

Harry:(screams)EXPECTO PATRONUM!

[A stag comes out of nowhere. The Dementors run away, screaming]

Dudley:(pale and sweating) Oh dear, I think I’m dying.

[Mrs Figg appears out of nowhere]

Mrs Figg:Let me help you with (s) that.

Harry:Wow, you’re a (s) Squib.

[They start to drag Dudley back to his house. Dramatic music.]

Scene 4:

[Draco and the gang are hanging out at Malfoy Manor.]

Draco:This year’s going to be (s) the best year ever!

Crabbe:So many (s) good things have happened already!

Goyle:We should tell Potter about them, (s) just to annoy him.



[They resume hanging out. Dramatic music.]

Scene 5:

[Harry is in the living room of the Dursley’s house. Dudley is on the couch, barely breathing. Vernon and Petunia are just standing around.]

Harry:There is (s) no time to explain!

Vernon:But we’re not doing anything right now.


Petunia:Why is our son dying?

Harry:(s) NO TIME!

[An owl “flies” through the window.]

Harry:(s) For me? (He grabs the letter, rips it open and reads out:)

 “Dear Mr Potter,

                You are expelled from Hogwarts.

Sucks to be you,

                Mafalda Hopkirk.”

[Dramatic music.]

Harry:I, I don’t understand. (s) Why? (s) WHY? (He falls to the ground and stares wistfully up to the ceiling) I MUST FLEE.

Petunia:Dudley’s getting worse.

Vernon:Shall I call an ambulance.

[Harry leaps up and is about to run out of the room when an owl “flies” into him.]

Harry:Ow. I mean, (s) what is this? (He rips open the letter and reads: )


                Don’t storm off, Dumbledore’s sorting everything out. Don’t leave your house.


[Harry frowns at the letter. Dudley begins to shake and foam starts coming out of his mouth.]

Harry:(pauses) DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, (s) LETTER!

[Harry rushes to the front door, when an abnormally large owl comes and “flies” into him. Harry collapses to the ground.]

Petunia:(picks up letter) I wonder what it says. (She reads aloud:)

“Dear Mr Potter,

                You are not expelled from Hogwarts, but still have to come to a disciplinary hearing.

I’ll get you next time,

                Mafalda Hopkirk.”

[Harry leaps up suddenly.]

Harry:(starts to sob) My life now has (s) meaning! Oh, and it was a Dementor that killed your son.

Dudley:I’m not dead.


Vernon:So, are you going to run away?

Harry:How could you (s) attempt to kick me out of the house?

Vernon:I’m not-

[Another owl “flies” in.]

Petunia:(takes the letter) Oh, it’s addressed to me.


[Harry tackles Petunia to the ground. The letter flies out of her hand and it lands on the floor and opens itself.]

Howler:Remember, swivel, my last, whispers, Petunia.

[The Howler disappears in a puff of smoke.]

Harry:(s) Dumbledore… (stares out into the distance)

Vernon:(looks from his wife lying on the floor to his dying son) Harry, I think you should go to your room.

Harry:(s) I HATE YOU ALL!

[Harry storms up stairs and slams the door to his bedroom. He then meekly opens it and goes inside his bedroom.]

Harry:I’m going to (s) write to all of my friends to get them to reply! (s) But how?

[Harry pauses, and scratches the top of his head for a moment. He then writes on three separate pieces of paper:

“Am trapped under a magical dragon and the only way I can escape is if you tell me what the hell is going on.


Harry:(kisses all three) Fly, fly my pretties!

[Harry chucks them out the window and stares out into the night sky. Dramatic music.]


The End

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