Harry and the gang are back for another round of melodramatic dose of adventure, this time for added angst. A soap opera based on Harry Potter.
Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode One:
A/N: I just wanted to say that this is going to be a ridiculously long season. And I will try to get a new episode up every week. This episode is late but THE NEXT ONESWILLBE ON TIME. For those of you joining us, the (s) means swivel.
Feel free to comment/review!
[Harry is lying in the dirt outside of the Dursley’s house. He appears to not be moving. Just above him, there is a window in which Vernon and Petunia can be seen watching television.]
Television:And now, for the news! Record numbers of stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers strike reaches its second week-
Harry:(still not moving) IT WAS VOLDEMORT!
Vernon:(mildly) Harry, would you like to join us in the living room?
Harry:NO. YOU MUGGLES WOULDN’T (s) UNDERSTAND.
Petunia:You’re going to get your clothes dirty, sweetheart.
Harry:(stands up) FINE THEN. I’m going to go (s) on a walk.
[Harry storms off.]
Vernon:Oh look, an unexplained disappearance and a strange accident.
[Ron and Hermione are at Grimmauld Place, playing cards.]
Ron:Have you got a (s) seven?
Hermione:Do you think we should (s) tell Harry about everything that’s going on?
[They resume playing. Dramatic music.]
[Harry is at a park, moodily swinging on a… swing. Dudley and his mates approach him.]
Dudley:Right, now that we’ve done all of our homework, what shall we do next?
Piers:Perhaps we should volunteer at a homeless shelter?
Gordon:Or maybe care for the elderly?
Dudley:(sees Harry) I’m going to walk home with my cousin. Good bye, pals!
[Dudley’s friends wave and exit. Dudley approaches Harry.]
Dudley:Shall we walk together, Harry?
Harry:(s) You look like a pig.
[They start walking together.]
Dudley: Harry, have you been feeling well lately?
Harry:(testily) Why do you (s) ask?
Dudley:Well, you’ve been moaning in your sleep and calling out this name, Cedric, and I went into your room once and I thought I saw someone standing in there as well but I blinked and then he was gone. Harry, I think you have a stalk-
Harry:(puts finger to Dudley’s lips) What was (s) that?
Voice:(very faintly) … and den I pout un fthis lace n satan geddit skirt dat had allof dis lyk pidnk becuas im nt lef other giulrz…
Harry:(looks horrified) No, not (s) here!
[Two goffs Dementors come out of nowhere.]
Dementor 1:oh hai der vampyrse
Dementor 2:whogse da prep
Dudley:(falls to ground and starts choking) I don’t feel well.
Dementor 1:omgi hes totali in luv wif me
Dementor 2:letes all gho 2 ho ttopiccc oomg my kemical romcwace
[A stag comes out of nowhere. The Dementors run away, screaming]
Dudley:(pale and sweating) Oh dear, I think I’m dying.
[Mrs Figg appears out of nowhere]
Mrs Figg:Let me help you with (s) that.
Harry:Wow, you’re a (s) Squib.
[They start to drag Dudley back to his house. Dramatic music.]
[Draco and the gang are hanging out at Malfoy Manor.]
Draco:This year’s going to be (s) the best year ever!
Crabbe:So many (s) good things have happened already!
Goyle:We should tell Potter about them, (s) just to annoy him.
[They resume hanging out. Dramatic music.]
[Harry is in the living room of the Dursley’s house. Dudley is on the couch, barely breathing. Vernon and Petunia are just standing around.]
Harry:There is (s) no time to explain!
Vernon:But we’re not doing anything right now.
Harry:NO! YOU DON’T (s) UNDERSTAND! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN!
Petunia:Why is our son dying?
Harry:(s) NO TIME!
[An owl “flies” through the window.]
Harry:(s) For me? (He grabs the letter, rips it open and reads out:)
“Dear Mr Potter,
You are expelled from Hogwarts.
Sucks to be you,
Harry:I, I don’t understand. (s) Why? (s) WHY? (He falls to the ground and stares wistfully up to the ceiling) I MUST FLEE.
Petunia:Dudley’s getting worse.
Vernon:Shall I call an ambulance.
[Harry leaps up and is about to run out of the room when an owl “flies” into him.]
Harry:Ow. I mean, (s) what is this? (He rips open the letter and reads: )
Don’t storm off, Dumbledore’s sorting everything out. Don’t leave your house.
[Harry frowns at the letter. Dudley begins to shake and foam starts coming out of his mouth.]
Harry:(pauses) DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, (s) LETTER!
[Harry rushes to the front door, when an abnormally large owl comes and “flies” into him. Harry collapses to the ground.]
Petunia:(picks up letter) I wonder what it says. (She reads aloud:)
“Dear Mr Potter,
You are not expelled from Hogwarts, but still have to come to a disciplinary hearing.
I’ll get you next time,
[Harry leaps up suddenly.]
Harry:(starts to sob) My life now has (s) meaning! Oh, and it was a Dementor that killed your son.
Dudley:I’m not dead.
Vernon:So, are you going to run away?
Harry:How could you (s) attempt to kick me out of the house?
[Another owl “flies” in.]
Petunia:(takes the letter) Oh, it’s addressed to me.
Harry:IT’S A HOWLER! (s) DUCK, AUNTIE!
[Harry tackles Petunia to the ground. The letter flies out of her hand and it lands on the floor and opens itself.]
Howler:Remember, swivel, my last, whispers, Petunia.
[The Howler disappears in a puff of smoke.]
Harry:(s) Dumbledore… (stares out into the distance)
Vernon:(looks from his wife lying on the floor to his dying son) Harry, I think you should go to your room.
Harry:(s) I HATE YOU ALL!
[Harry storms up stairs and slams the door to his bedroom. He then meekly opens it and goes inside his bedroom.]
Harry:I’m going to (s) write to all of my friends to get them to reply! (s) But how?
[Harry pauses, and scratches the top of his head for a moment. He then writes on three separate pieces of paper:
“Am trapped under a magical dragon and the only way I can escape is if you tell me what the hell is going on.
Harry:(kisses all three) Fly, fly my pretties!
[Harry chucks them out the window and stares out into the night sky. Dramatic music.]
END OF EPISODE ONE