Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Eighteen
[Outside the maze entrance. The whole school is on the bleachers, waiting for something to happen. Dumbledore flits to the front.]
Dumbledore:As you all (s) know, it is near the end of another school year.
Hermione:(angrily) DAMM IT!
Dumbledore:And we know that everyone’s kind of (s) bored right now.
[The lights dim and a dramatic light is shone dramatically on Dumbledore’s face.]
Dumbledore:(whispers) In these times of darkness (gestures to darkness) we need one thing, and one thing only. (s) A FASHION PARADE!
[A disco ball drops from the ceiling. Dub step starts being played. Students line up, and start to pout and pose.]
Dumbledore:And who’s first?
[ Cho Chang struts up, dressed quite skimpily.]
Dumbledore:It’s Cho the Ho!
Dumbledore:Cho is dressed stunningly in what appears to be satin-
[With a poof, Harry and Cedric appear on the catwalk. Harry is clutching Cedric’s unmoving body and sobbing.]
Dumbledore:(tutts) My, my! Looks like we have a (s) late entry. Don’t you two know that- Oh fuck, he’s dead.
[Everyone gasps and looks shocked. The lights go back on and the music stops. Harry cries even harder.]
Harry:(sobs) Where is his father? He (s) asked me to bring him to his father!
[Amos appears out of nowhere.]
Amos:(frowns) Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Cedric, now we’re going to have to move again. Wait till I tell Esmé who is my wife. (whispers) My vampire wife.
[Cedric appears to frown, even though he is dead.]
Harry:(clutches Cedric tighter) NO! HE WAS (s) MY FRIEND!
[Moody runs in and picks up Harry.]
Moody:Harry, I really must talk to you. See, it’s about uh, um, the- the dead boy. Yes, that’s it.
[Moody carries Harry off, running. Dramatic music.]
[Draco and the gang are in the bleachers, peering down at all the commotion.]
Crabbe:Aw, what happened to all the (s) fashion things?
Goyle:Someone (s) died.
Draco:I’m still (s) bored. Why can’t I kill Granger and Weasel?
Hermione:We’re right here, you (s) pig.
Ron:Yeah. (s) Pig.
[Even more dramatic music.]
[Moody and Harry are in Moody’s office. Moody is pacing around whilst Harry is sitting down, twiddling his thumbs.]
Moody: Well. Well, well, well, well, well. (Pause) Well.
Moody:What happened? Tell me exactly what happened, Harry. It is of the utmost importance.
Harry:I, uh, started the race with Cedric, Krum and Fleur and then-
Moody:(puts finger to Harry’s lips) Shh… Fleur. Nice name. Means flower in French. Lots of flower names out there. Like Rose. Wait, Rose. (falls to his knees) ROSE!
Harry:(Moody’s finger still on his lips) Sir?
Moody:(jumps up) Right, where were we? Uh, in the graveyard, what happened? What occurred? The vibe? Were there drinks? I hope there wasn’t drinks. They burned my home and so should they burn as-
Harry:Sir? I never mentioned (ULTIMATE SWIVEL) a graveyard.
[Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall burst in.]
[Moody is thrown backwards against the wall. Snape grabs him and halls him into a chair, whips out a potion and pours it down his throat.]
Snape:Now, spill everything, buster.
[Moody frowns at Snape intensely.]
Moody:(sighs) I’m actually the Doctor- I mean Barty Crouch Jr.
[Everyone gasps and looks shocked.]
Snape:Wait, what? You’re not Moody? Then who is?
Barty:In the chest.
[McGonagall goes over to the chest and opens it. Out pops the real Moody.]
Moody:Boy, was it stuffy in there! (Jumps out of the chest) Barely and leg space and in case you haven’t noticed, I have pretty sizable legs. Which I still have. (Straightens bowtie) Alby, my old friend, how are you? And look, it’s the Boy Who Lived!
Moody:(mood sours) Ten.
[They glare at each other.]
Moody:(glares around the room) Take this imposter away.
Barty:Imposter? I’m not the imposter! (Snape and McGonagall each take an arm and start dragging him out) YOU ARE! YOU CHILDISH MONSTER, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!
[Barty, Snape and McGonagall exit.]
Moody:(puts on fez) Well, I’ve got places to go, Ponds to kiss, Silences to break so I’ll be off. (winks at Harry) Catch you on the flip side. Who says I’m not “with it”?
[Ron, Hermione, Fred and George are in the hospital wing. Harry is lying on the bed, asleep.]
Ron:(weeping openly) Why does this happen (s) every year?
Hermione:(s) Good question.
[Fudge comes in.]
Fudge:(dumps bag of gold on Harry) VOLDEMORT IS NOT BACK!
[Fudge exits. Harry wakes up.]
Harry:Fred? George? Can I talk to you two alone?
[They nod. Ron and Hermione exit.]
Harry:(coughs feebly) I bequeath to you two, (s) my winnings. (Gestures to gold on top of him.)
Fred:Harry, you’re tip top.
George:We’re going to open up a joke shop!
[Everyone cries and hugs each other. Friendship music. Ron and Hermione come back and they hug as well.]
[Draco and the gang are on the train, heading back to London. They are walking down the corridor.]
Crabbe:That was such a (s) moving speech Dumbledore gave just then.
[Draco and Goyle nod. They pause outside a compartment.]
Goyle:Yes, I really think-
Hermione:(inside compartment)… and she was an animagus who could turn into a beetle!
Draco:(gasps) She found Rita!
[Draco swings open the door and runs in. So does Crabbe and Goyle. Inside is Harry and the gang.]
Draco:Very (s) clever, Granger. Now give me back that woman in a glass jar.
Draco:You see, Harry? This is what you get when you hang out with (s) Mudbloods.
[There is a flash of light and lots of smoke. When it clears, Harry and the gang, Fred and George are standing with their wands drawn. Draco and the gang are lying unconscious on the floor.]
[They all leap up to high five each other and it freeze frames on them all looking ecstatic. Awesome music is played.]
END OF EPISODE EIGHTEEN
END OF GOBLET OF FIRE