Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Seventeen
[Cedric and Harry are in the graveyard. Peter is there too, holding a Bundle.]
Cedric:Now you’re (s) mine!
[Cedric grips Harry, who looks shocked.]
Harry:(gasps) Your skin is ice cold!
Bundle:Then it must beiceto meet you! Am I right?
Cedric:(sneers at Bundle) Like I haven’t heard that before.
Bundle:(Pause) Kill him, Pete.
[A burst of green light comes out and hits Cedric.]
Cedric:For the love of Merlin, I can’t die because I’m a vamp-
[Harry accidentally hits Cedric over the head with some garlic. Cedric collapses to the ground and doesn’t move.]
Peter:Why do you have that?
Harry:(shrugs) Thought I might get hungry.
[Harry looks at Cedric’s motionless body.]
Harry:Oh, right. (falls to knees) NO! I’LL GET (s) YOU FOR THIS, PETER!
[Peter picks Harry up and ties him to a grave stone. A cauldron appears]
Harry:I’m too (s) numb with disbelief to react!
Bundle:Hurry up, Pete. Vampire Diaries starts in like 40 minutes.
Peter:Right. (clears throat) “Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son”.
[Peter summons a bone from the grave in which Harry is on top of.]
Bundle:Yeah, like I give your mum a boner last night.
Peter:(giggles) That’s hilarious!
Harry: THAT DOESN’T MAKE (s) SENSE!
[They ignore him. The bone is dropped into the cauldron. Peter takes out a knife.]
Peter:“Flesh of the servant willingly given, you will revive your master.”
[Peter cuts off his hand.]
Bundle:Yeah, master of booty.
[Peter drops his hand in the cauldron.]
Peter:(giggles) You should totally do stand-up.
Harry:PLEASE DON’T. (s) FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, DON’T.
[Peter and the Bundle look at him.]
Bundle:I didn’t want to (s) resort to this. Pete, get him as well.
Peter:With pleasure. “Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe”.
[Peter cuts Harry, who screams a rather girlish scream. He then drips the blood into the cauldron.]
Bundle:And put me in as well! This issoexciting.
[Peter drops the bundle unceremoniously into the cauldron.]
Bundle:I can’t wait I can’t wait I can’t-
[There is a booming noise and a sudden flash of bright white light. Harry and Peter both close their eyes and look away. A figure rises from the cauldron and leaps down.]
Figure:Hello Harry. (s) I’m Voldemort.
[Draco and the gang, Ron and Hermione are all sitting in the stands.]
Ron:I’m so (s) bored.
Hermione:(snaps) Harry’s out there (s) risking his life! How can you be bored?
Ron:Because I can’t (s) see any of it!
Crabbe:Good point, Ron. (s) How come we don’t have screens or something.
Goyle:Yeah. (s) I don’t know what’s going on.
[Draco punches Crabbe and Goyle in their nether regions.]
Draco:Stop fraternising with (s) the enemy.
[Ron sticks his tongue out at Draco. Draco sticks his out back. Dramatic music.]
[In the graveyard. Harry is still tied to the graveyard and Voldemort and Peter are standing about.]
Peter:You look rather fetching, Master.
Voldemort:Fetch me my wand!
[Peter gets a wand and hands it to Voldemort.]
Voldemort:For laughing at my jokes, you can have your hand back!
Peter:And for, you know, my life of servitude and utter obedience.
Voldemort:… yeah. Sure.
[Voldemort waves his wand. Peter’s hand comes back, but silver.]
Voldemort:Now, summon everyone!
Peter:Why is my hand silver?
Voldemort:(angry) Hey, just got resurrected. Cut me some slack, okay? So summon everyone!
Peter:Sorry, it’s been a stressful day.
Voldemort:Don’t worry, it’s been like that for everyone. Must be the weather.
Harry:Will you (s) get on with it?
Voldemort:No need to get so snappy, Potter. You’re like a turtle.
Peter:(giggles) Good one, my lord. (Touches Dark Mark) Just wait ‘til the others here about it.
[Death Eaters appear in a circle. Dramatic music.]
[Hermione, Ron, and Draco and the gang are still in the stands. They all appear to be sleeping.]
Hermione:Sweet Gandalf, kill me now.
[Moody runs in.]
Moody:This is just brilliant! (Rubs hands together) Soon the Dark Lord shall rise again and I’ll no longer have to impersonate-
[Moody stares at the children. The children stare at Moody.]
Moody:(looks at bare wrist) What? Is that the time? Well, I must go and, uh, (pause) defeat the Cybermen. Bye!
[Moody runs off.]
Crabbe:If someone gave me 5 galleons I’ll set something on fire.
[Back in the graveyard. Voldemort and his posse are all standing in a circle, laughing. Harry is tied to a gravestone, bleeding.]
Voldemort:… and thenIsaid it’siceto meet you!
[The Death Eaters all laugh.]
Harry:(shouts) YOU’RE NOT FUNNY.
[The Death Eaters stop laughing and stare at Voldemort, clearly frightened. Voldemort turns purple.]
Voldemort: (smiles) It’s time for a duel, Potter.
[Harry stands up, the ropes binding him mysteriously disappearing.]
Harry:Let’s do (s) this.
Voldemort:Like I did your mum.
[The Death Eaters laugh and applaud.]
Harry:THAT WAS (s) HORRID!
[A red light shoots out of Harry’s wand to meet Voldemort’s own shot of green light. For some reason, this creates yellow.]
Harry:(gasps) What’s happening?
Voldemort:I- I don’t know.
[Cedric stands up, groaning, and walks over to the duel.]
Cedric:What… what happened?
Harry:(gasps) Cedric! You’re dead!
Cedric:What? No, I’m not-
Harry:(turns to Voldemort) YOU (s) BASTARD!
Voldemort:I’M NOT THE ONE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOUR!
Cedric:Why am I holding a picture of Harry’s mother and father?
[Sure enough, he is.]
Harry:TELL ME WHAT TO (s) DO, MUM AND DAD!
Harry:GOOD ADVICE! (s) VOLDEMORT!
Voldemort:That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
Harry:ZAC EFRON’S BEHIND YOU!
Voldemort:(turns around) Where?
[Harry grabs Cedric and drags him over to the Cup.]
Cedric:LET GO OF ME! I’M NOT DEAD!
Harry:I’LL TAKE YOU BACK TO YOUR PARENTS LIKE YOU ASKED ME!
Cedric:OH, YOU LITTLE SH-
[Harry accidentally knocks him over the head with a piece of garlic. Again.]
Harry:Why do I still have (s) this?
[Harry grabs the Cup and is transported from the graveyard with Cedric.]
Voldemort:Oh darn it, not again.
END OF EPISODE SEVENTEEN