Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Fifteen
[Harry and the gang are at the Hogwarts gym. “Eye of the Tiger” is playing in the background.]
Ron:(confused) I didn’t know we had a gym.
Hermione:(s) We don’t.
Harry:(claps hands) Focus guys, focus!
Harry:Because I might (s) die if we don’t practice!
Ron:But why (s) do we have to?
Harry:BECAUSE YOU DO. NOW LET’S (s) PRACTICE!
[Eye of the Tiger is turned up.]
[Draco is holding his pie, trying to feed it other pie. Crabbe and Goyle are watching him, bored.]
Draco:Open wide for mummy, darling.
Crabbe:(in monotone) No, don’t Draco. It’s not good or something.
[Goyle stand up suddenly]
Goyle:That is (s) it!
Draco:Who’s a good pie? (starts to kiss the pie.)
[Crabbe and Goyle stare at Draco. Draco is oblivious to them, as he is wrapped up in his own happiness.]
Goyle:It’s us… or the pie. (s) Come on, Crabbe.
Crabbe:(looks at Draco, torn) Okay. (s) Goodbye, Draco.
[Harry and the gang, and the rest of Gryffindor are in Divination. Trelawney is up the front.]
Trelawney:For this lesson, I’m going to read from the dictionary. But I’m going to start with “z”. Zabaglione. An Italian dessert made of whipped egg, yolks, sugar and wine. Zairean. A person from-
[Harry falls asleep and begins to snore. The Divination classroom fades out and is replaced by a dark room. In that room is Peter and a chair, in which a thing is sitting.]
Thing:You are in luck, Wormtail.
Thing:You were able towormyour way out of this one, eh?
Peter:… I don’t understand.
Thing:(upset) FINE THEN.Crucio!
[Peter falls to the ground, writhing and screaming in agony.]
Thing:Cannotbelieveyou didn’t laugh at that.
[Foam is spilling from Peter’s mouth, who’s shaking uncontrollably.]
Thing:(upset) I wasted A-grade material on you.
Thing:AND OVER MY GOOD RUG AS WELL! Clean that up!
[Cuts back to Harry, clutching his scar in horror.]
Harry:(shouts) I NEED TO TELL DUMBLEDORE THAT VOLDEMORT’S BACK! (Runs out of class room.)
Trelawney:Zoroastrianism. A religion of ancient Persia based on the worship of-
[Crabbe and Goyle are doing homework together.]
Crabbe:(s) I don’t understand!
Goyle:Well, it’s really quite simple, you take the base and then move the power over to the-
Crabbe:Why must we (s) abandon Draco in his hour of need?
Goyle:Because he’s dating a pie.
[Harry is in Dumbledore’s office, with Moody, Fudge and *surprise* Dumbledore.]
Fudge:How are you, Harry?
Harry:FINE. (turns around and whispers) I’m lying.
Fudge:Right. Let’s go and examine a murder scene!
Moody:I’ve done this before, actually. Met a wonderful fellow who could deduce anything! Had a thing for deer stalkers, if I recall. One time, John-
[Moody and Fudge leave.]
Harry:Dumbledore, (s) come to my aid!
Dumbledore:Hush. I have to get rid of (s) this idiotic investigation. Sit tight, cherub.
[Dumbledore flounces away.]
Harry:(s) I SHALL OBEY YOU, FATHER FIGURE!
[The Pensieve appears out of nowhere, and bumps into Harry.]
Harry:Go away, Dobby, no one likes- Ooh pretty.
[The Pensieve shoots out magic lights that look magical.]
Harry:OH MY MERLIN I WANT TO STICK MY HEAD IN IT.
[He does so and is transported to Dumbledore’s side, in some sort of court. There are other wizards scattered about.]
Harry:What? I don’t- oh wait I’m obviously in a memory.
[Karkaroff appears out of nowhere, covered in chains.]
Crouch:(who is there) Are you here to give (s) evidence?
Harry:(gasps) He was cool once!
Moody:What a liar!
[Harry turns around to see a younger version of Moody, fiddling with a bowtie and wearing a fez.]
Moody:Oh, hello Alby! Just look at him! (Gestures wildly at Karkaroff) No sign of remorse. He’s so… meany-weany.
Dumbledore:He can (s) change, Alastor.
Moody:For the last time, I’m not-
Karkaroff:I have (s) names!
Crouch:(s) Tell me.
[Mr Crouch’s son stands up.]
Karkaroff:Mr Crouch’s son!
Crouch Jr:What? No. I was just checking on- I need to get to- YOU!
[Points at Moody, who tries to look as innocent as possible.]
Moody:What? I just, uh, I’m an auror and I catch bad wizards or, you know, bad Time-
Crouch Jr:How dare you just waltz off in my place? INMYPLACE!
[Dementors, wearing fishnet stockings and an awful lot of black take Crouch Jr by each of his arms and start to drag him out.]
Crouch Jr:NO! I DON’T WANT TO GO!
[Crouch Jr is hit by a Dementor, and then is dragged out.]
Moody:All fair’s in love and war.
Dumbledore:(giggles) You are devious, Alastor.
Moody:Oh, you love it.
Another Dumbledore:Harry, (s) we need to go.
[They zoom up and into Dumbledore’s office.]
Dumbledore:That was (s) the past.
[Draco is alone on his bed, cuddling his pie.]
[Draco sniffs the air a couple of times, then looks disgusted.]
Draco:EW! (s) I’m throwing you out.
[Draco throws the pie in the bin and then rushes out.]
Pie:It’s not my fault you didn't refrigerate me.
[Harry and Dumbledore are in Dumbledore’s office.]
Harry:So why did you think my scar (s) hurt?
Dumbledore:Aren’t you worried about the (s) way that Voldemort can access your mind?
Harry:Nope. Just the scar.
Dumbledore:It’s (s) a curse scar.
Harry:(gasps) It all makes sense! (s) Thank you, Professor. I’ll leave now.
Dumbledore:One more (s) thing, Harry?
Dumbledore:Neville’s parents were tortured to insanity by Bellatrix Lestrange. Good night.
Harry:(starts to weep) Neville…
[Rushes out the door.]
Dumbledore:But don’t tell… anyone.
[Neville is in his bed, sleeping.]
[Suddenly, a light switches on. Neville screams and sits upright. Harry is there, staring at Neville.]
END OF EPISODE FIFTEEN