[Harry and the gang are in Herbology with the rest of the Gryffindors. Hermione and Harry are paired up, whilst Ron is in a darkened corner, glaring at Harry and listening to his iPod.]
Harry:What’s (s) up with Ron?
Hermione:Don’t worry, he’s just (s) jealous.
Harry:Why would he be jealous?
Hermione:Because you’re so big and strong and… uh. (She stares at Harry and bites her lip coyly)
Harry:… what? Something on my face?
Hermione:(strokes his face and whispers) Only beauty, Harry. (s) Only beauty.
[The Hufflepuffs come in, sparkling in the morning light.]
Hermione:Something’s (s) different.
Justin Finch Bitchley:Oh, it’s this new (s) body butter. Cedric lent it to all of us.
Hermione:Smells weird. Like the scent of (s) human blood.
JFB:Haveyouever lent the (s) Gryffindors body butter, Potter?
Harry:No, because I actually have (s) friends. Oh, wait…
Hermione:(hugs Harry) There, there child. I’ll always be here for you.
JFB:(s) Unlike victory.
[The Hufflepuffs retreat, with their fangs bared.]
Hermione:I’ll (s) help you.
[Draco and the gang are reading together in the library.]
Draco:What shall we (s) do today?
Goyle:Hang (s) on.
Draco:(pissed) What do you (s) want?
Goyle:This tomfoolery is (s) ill-founded.
Draco:Whatever do you mean?
Goyle:Prove that you really hate (s) Potter.
Crabbe:Really? Again? Last time you got turned into a fer-
Draco:(puts hands on hips heroically) Alright.
Crabbe:God damn it.
Draco:I actually have a (s) scheme.
Goyle:What is it, (s) Draco?
[They huddle together and that can be heard is whispers.]
Draco:So, what do you (s) think?
Goyle:Your best plan (s) yet!
Crabbe:(confused) But what was his other-
[Dramatic music which drowns out Crabbe’s words.]
[Harry and Hermione are strutting down the corridor. Ron is hovering in the background, dressed all in black and looking depressed.]
Harry:Hermione, what are you doing with your (s) hand?
Hermione:Sh, you know you (s) like it.
[Ron looks even angrier in the background.]
Harry:Could you just stop (s) this? I know you’re just trying to make Ron (s) jealous.
Hermione:(looks shocked) No, I (s) like you!
Harry:(shouts) NO YOU DON’T.
[Draco and the gang strut in.]
Draco:Well, hello Potter. (s) Didn’t see you there.
Harry:What do you want (s) Milkfoy?
Draco:Check out this badge, Potter. (Draco flashes a badge at Harry that reads; “Potter Stinks”.)
Harry:(looks appalled) How could you? (A single tear rolls down his cheek.)
Hermione:(looks unimpressed) That’s so lame.
Harry and Draco:(at the same time) HOW DARE YOU.
[Harry and Draco both reach for their wands and point at Hermione. However, Ron rushes in and pushes Harry’s arm so it points at Goyle.]
[Jets of light hit Hermione and Goyle in the face. Hermione’s teeth start to “grow” and boils start to appear all over Goyle’s face.]
Crabbe:(clutches Goyle to his chest) NO!
Ron:(worried) Are you hurt, (s) Hermione?
Hermione:(angry and covering her mouth) IT’S BECAUSE I’M WITH ANOTHER MAN, ISN’T IT?
Draco:What (s) other man?
Harry:What business of it is (s) yours, Malfoy?
Ron:My sweet, (s) talk to me.
Hermione:I JUST DID, (s) NUMBSKULL.
Snape:Will you lot shut up? I have this massive headache… (he rubs his forehead.)
Draco:(points) It was Potter! All (s) Potter!
[Harry and the gang remain silent.]
Crabbe:And look how they’ve injured (s) Gregory!
[Goyle groans, causing Crabbe to whimper and hold him closer. Harry and the gang are yet to move or say a word.]
Snape:Fine. Hospital or infirmary, or whatever the hell they call it at this freaking school.
Snape:UGH NOW WHAT?
Ron:It’s Hermione, she’s (s) in a bad way.
Snape:I don’t care. Hospital as well.
Ron:It’s her (s) teeth.
[Hermione uncovers her mouth to reveal a large set of buckteeth.]
Harry:(s) I see no difference.
[Hermione runs away, sobbing. Ron glares at Harry and runs after her.]
Snape:(stares at Harry) Well done, son. Well done.
[Snape walks away.]
Harry:(falls to knees and tears off shirt) UGH. CONFLICTING EMOTIONS.
[Draco and Crabbe are around Goyle’s bedside table.]
Draco:Are you (s) alright?
Goyle:Actually, I’m quite-
Crabbe:(puts finger to Goyle’s lips) Shh…
Draco:(stands up) From this day forward, I swear that (s) Potter will no longer put me or any of my gang into a hospital bed. (s) Again.
Crabbe:(stands up and starts clapping) Well said, Draco. (s) Well said.
Draco:(s) Thank you.
Draco:I’m not sure…
Crabbe:How about we become (s) Deatheaters like all of our relatives!
Draco:No, not for another (s) couple of years.
Draco:Shh… I need time to (s) think.
[Harry and the three other champions are standing in a room together.]
Harry:I guess all of you (s) hate me as well.
Fleur:(shrugs) Je do not hate toi, mais je pense que tu will die soon.
Harry:(wistfully) So poetic… but full of passionate rage.
Harry:Cedric, as the only other (s) British I mean Hogwarts person, surely you do not hate me, as the others have.
Cedric:I gladly await the day when I decorate my Christmas tree with your entrails.
[Rita and the photographer flounce in.]
Rita:(s) Photo shoot time!
Photographer:Yeah, don’t be afraid to take some clothes off.
Fleur:Je suis French. (starts stripping)
Krum:Meh. (starts stripping.)
Cedric:Vampire means hot bod. Am I right or what? (He gets a high five from Rita and begins to strip as well.)
Harry:I don’t (s) want to.
Photographer:I don’t want you to either.
[Cue photo montage of basically Harry in the middle grinning like an idiot while Krum, Fleur and Cedric pose and pout sexily in their underwear beside him. Sexy music.]
END OF EPISODE ELEVEN