Episode TenMature

Scene 1:

[Harry and the gang are in Herbology with the rest of the Gryffindors. Hermione and Harry are paired up, whilst Ron is in a darkened corner, glaring at Harry and listening to his iPod.]

Harry:What’s (s) up with Ron?

Hermione:Don’t worry, he’s just (s) jealous.

Harry:Why would he be jealous?

Hermione:Because you’re so big and strong and… uh. (She stares at Harry and bites her lip coyly)

Harry:… what? Something on my face?

Hermione:(strokes his face and whispers) Only beauty, Harry. (s) Only beauty.

[The Hufflepuffs come in, sparkling in the morning light.]

Hermione:Something’s (s) different.

Justin Finch Bitchley:Oh, it’s this new (s) body butter. Cedric lent it to all of us.

Hermione:Smells weird. Like the scent of (s) human blood.

JFB:Haveyouever lent the (s) Gryffindors body butter, Potter?

Harry:No, because I actually have (s) friends. Oh, wait…

Hermione:(hugs Harry) There, there child. I’ll always be here for you.

JFB:(s) Unlike victory.

[The Hufflepuffs retreat, with their fangs bared.]

Hermione:I’ll (s) help you.

[Dramatic music.]

Scene 2:

[Draco and the gang are reading together in the library.]

Draco:What shall we (s) do today?

Crabbe:SKIPPING!

Goyle:Hang (s) on.

Draco:(pissed) What do you (s) want?

Goyle:This tomfoolery is (s) ill-founded.

Draco:Whatever do you mean?

Crabbe:Yeah!

Goyle:Prove that you really hate (s) Potter.

Crabbe:Really? Again? Last time you got turned into a fer-

Draco:(puts hands on hips heroically) Alright.

Crabbe:God damn it.

Draco:I actually have a (s) scheme.

Goyle:What is it, (s) Draco?

[They huddle together and that can be heard is whispers.]

Draco:So, what do you (s) think?

Goyle:Your best plan (s) yet!

Crabbe:(confused) But what was his other-

[Dramatic music which drowns out Crabbe’s words.]

Scene 3:

[Harry and Hermione are strutting down the corridor. Ron is hovering in the background, dressed all in black and looking depressed.]

Harry:Hermione, what are you doing with your (s) hand?

Hermione:Sh, you know you (s) like it.

[Ron looks even angrier in the background.]

Harry:Could you just stop (s) this? I know you’re just trying to make Ron (s) jealous.

Hermione:(looks shocked) No, I (s) like you!

Harry:(shouts) NO YOU DON’T.

[Draco and the gang strut in.]

Draco:Well, hello Potter. (s) Didn’t see you there.

Harry:What do you want (s) Milkfoy?

Draco:Check out this badge, Potter. (Draco flashes a badge at Harry that reads; “Potter Stinks”.)

Harry:(looks appalled) How could you? (A single tear rolls down his cheek.)

Hermione:(looks unimpressed) That’s so lame.

Harry and Draco:(at the same time) HOW DARE YOU.

[Harry and Draco both reach for their wands and point at Hermione. However, Ron rushes in and pushes Harry’s arm so it points at Goyle.]

Harry:Furnuculus!

Draco:Densaugeo!

[Jets of light hit Hermione and Goyle in the face. Hermione’s teeth start to “grow” and boils start to appear all over Goyle’s face.]

Crabbe:(clutches Goyle to his chest) NO!

Ron:(worried) Are you hurt, (s) Hermione?

Hermione:(angry and covering her mouth) IT’S BECAUSE I’M WITH ANOTHER MAN, ISN’T IT?

Draco:What (s) other man?

Harry:What business of it is (s) yours, Malfoy?

Ron:My sweet, (s) talk to me.

Hermione:I JUST DID, (s) NUMBSKULL.

[Snape appears.]

Snape:Will you lot shut up? I have this massive headache… (he rubs his forehead.)

Draco:(points) It was Potter! All (s) Potter!

[Harry and the gang remain silent.]

Crabbe:And look how they’ve injured (s) Gregory!

[Goyle groans, causing Crabbe to whimper and hold him closer. Harry and the gang are yet to move or say a word.]

Snape:Fine. Hospital or infirmary, or whatever the hell they call it at this freaking school.

Ron:Uh… sir?

Snape:UGH NOW WHAT?

Ron:It’s Hermione, she’s (s) in a bad way.

Snape:I don’t care. Hospital as well.

Ron:It’s her (s) teeth.

[Hermione uncovers her mouth to reveal a large set of buckteeth.]

Harry:(s) I see no difference.

[Hermione runs away, sobbing. Ron glares at Harry and runs after her.]

Snape:(stares at Harry) Well done, son. Well done.

[Snape walks away.]

Harry:(falls to knees and tears off shirt) UGH. CONFLICTING EMOTIONS.

[Dramatic music.]

Scene 4:

[Draco and Crabbe are around Goyle’s bedside table.]

Draco:Are you (s) alright?

Goyle:Actually, I’m quite-

Crabbe:(puts finger to Goyle’s lips) Shh…

Draco:(stands up) From this day forward, I swear that (s) Potter will no longer put me or any of my gang into a hospital bed. (s) Again.

Crabbe:(stands up and starts clapping) Well said, Draco. (s) Well said.

Draco:(s) Thank you.

Crabbe:But how?

Draco:I’m not sure…

Crabbe:How about we become (s) Deatheaters like all of our relatives!

Draco:No, not for another (s) couple of years.

Crabbe:What?

Draco:Shh… I need time to (s) think.

[Dramatic music.]

Scene 5:

[Harry and the three other champions are standing in a room together.]

Harry:I guess all of you (s) hate me as well.

Fleur:(shrugs) Je do not hate toi, mais je pense que tu will die soon.

Harry:(wistfully) So poetic… but full of passionate rage.

Krum:(grunts) Meh.

Harry:Cedric, as the only other (s) British I mean Hogwarts person, surely you do not hate me, as the others have.

Cedric:I gladly await the day when I decorate my Christmas tree with your entrails.

[Rita and the photographer flounce in.]

Rita:(s) Photo shoot time!

Photographer:Yeah, don’t be afraid to take some clothes off.

Fleur:Je suis French. (starts stripping)

Krum:Meh. (starts stripping.)

Cedric:Vampire means hot bod. Am I right or what? (He gets a high five from Rita and begins to strip as well.)

Harry:I don’t (s) want to.

Photographer:I don’t want you to either.

[Cue photo montage of basically Harry in the middle grinning like an idiot while Krum, Fleur and Cedric pose and pout sexily in their underwear beside him. Sexy music.]

END OF EPISODE ELEVEN

The End

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