[Hermione is doing work in the Gryffindor common room. Ron is staring at her.]
Hermione:(doesn’t look up) Hmm…?
Ron:About SPEW, I actually think that it’s really (s) co-
[Harry bursts in, holding a letter.]
Ron:OH MY MERLIN, HERMIONE (s) HOW DARE YOU FORCE ME AND MY FAMOUS FRIEND INTO YOUR PATHETIC GROUP. (Turns to Harry) Oh, hi Harry. What’ve you got (s) there?
Harry:(eyes shining) All my hopes and dreams are contained within this letter. FOR IT IS FROM SI- I mean, SNUFFLES! (Harry holds the letter in air and waves it about. Emotional music.)
Ron:… yes. (s) Open it!
Harry:(starts to open it) I’m sure it is a reassuring letter, for I am only a teenage boy and any worry well in fact severely damage me, possibly for life and I-
[Harry freezes. He stares at the letter in complete shock, and runs into his dorm crying. The letter falls to the ground and Ron picks it up.]
Ron:(gasps) Oh no! (s) It cannot be.
[The letter is shown. It reads:
Shocked and outraged swivel. WHAT? I am returning immeadiately.
Lots of love,
Ron:(looks noble) I must comfort my friend! (Rushes off to dorm)
Hermione:(looks up from book) Hmm…?
[Draco and the gang are strutting down the corridor. 80’s disco music can be heard.]
Goyle:Cool walkman, Crabbe.
Draco:Well, my dad got me a ghetto blaster. (s) It’s at home.
Goyle:Wow! (s) What a recent development in technology!
[They come to a noticeboard. A group of students crowds around it.]
Goyle:Out of the way, (sneer) scum.
[Crabbe and Goyle produce a taser each. The gang makes its way to the front.]
Crabbe:What- what is it?
Draco:(s) The students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang are to arrive.
Draco:(s) This Friday.
Crabbe:Oh. (s) Where?
Goyle:Can’t you (s) read?
[Fred and George at whispering to each other in an empty classroom.]
Fred:He’s been acting like such a git.
George:But he’s got to give us back our bit.
[Harry and the gang trample in. Harry is holding a strange metal device.]
Harry:Aha! (s) I told you my mystery-finding machine worked!
Ron and Hermione:HUZZAH!
Harry:(puts hands on hips) Alas, what is the mystery here?
Fred:I beg to differ, there is none.
George:Unless you want something in your bum.
Ron:Aw, c’mon. (Face darkens and hisses) Don’t contradict Harry.
Harry:He’s got a (s) point.
Fred:The real mystery,
George:Is how Ron came to be.
Fred:He isn’t wanted here,
George:He isn’t wanted there,
Fred and George:(together) HE ISN’T WANTED ANYWHERE.
[There is silence as the two groups stare at each other.]
Ron:Fine then. (s) Be that way.
[Ron stalks out of the room.]
Harry:WAIT! (Rushes off after him.)
[Hermione stands in the middle, unsure of what to do.]
Fred:(winks) Hey, Hermione.
[Hermione blushes and then rushes off to join the boys.]
George:(hits Fred) Don’t act so stupidly!
[Draco and the gang are in their dorms. There are books strewn across the floor.]
Goyle:(exasperated) One more, time. What is this letter? (Points at point on book.)
Goyle:(hits Crabbe repeatedly with book) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
[Goyle stops hitting and Crabbe stops sobbing.]
Draco:What we need is (s) a montage.
[Montage of Crabbe learning to read, with “Highway to the danger zone” song playing in the background.]
Crabbe:(s) I CAN READ!
[Goyle starts weeping with joy. Draco applauds. Triumphant music. Confetti everywhere.]
[At the Great Hall. Harry and the gang are at the Gryffindor table.]
Ron:I. CANNOT. WAIT. FOR. KRUM.
[Ron grabs both Hermione’s and Harry’s hands and grips them tightly]
Hermione:Ron, (s) your fangirl is showing.
Harry:(sniffs) It’s not like youalreadyknow a world-famous Quidditch player…
Ron:(looks around) Who?
[Dumbledore parades in.]
Dumbledore:(leans sassily against pulpit) And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, (raises hands into air) The introduction of the two schools who we will be competing against at the (s) TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!
Dumbledore:Thank you, thank you. (sits down) They just have to get here.
[Everyone looks confused. Dramatic music.]
[Still at the Hall. Draco and the gang are at the Slytherin table.]
Crabbe:I’M SO BORED.
Goyle:(looks at watch) Merlin, it’s been like an hour. Can’t we just (s) go?
Dumbledore:(from front) NOBODY LEAVES. I’m sure they’re just (nervous s) caught in traffic.
Draco:(whispers to Goyle) Or maybe they just smelt the smell of (s) loser.
Dumbledore:(s) WHO SAID THAT?
McGonagall:Calm down, Albus.
Draco:(headdesks) OH, FOR FU-
[At the Gryffindor table. Ron is asleep on Hermione’s shoulder. Hermione and Harry are playing cards.]
[Hermione goes to pick up a card, but there is a shout off-screen.]
[The doors to the Great Hall burst open, but no one is there at first. A moment later, a group of twenty-or so people burst in wearing berets and onions around their necks.]
[The group makes its way up to the front. A few members stop on the way to make out with Hogwarts students, but are quick and soon catch up.]
Dumbledore:(rushes forward) I knew you’d come! (s) Madame Maxime, enchanté.
[He kisses Madame Maxime, a tall woman, on both cheeks.]
Maxime:Bonjour Dumblydore! Je suis very tired mais mes animals require, ‘ow you say, quite forceful handling.
Dumbledore:(giggles) Silly you! (Gestures to Hagrid) Hagrid will take care of all of that! So, (taking her arm and guiding her to be sat down, dismissing the students to the Ravenclaw table as he does so) how are you?
[The doors burst open again. Out troops twenty or so boys dressed quite militantly.]
Ron:(squeals) There’s Krum! I, I (faints)
[Krum turns to the direction of the squeal, sees Hermione and mouths at her; “Call me”.]
Hermione:(under breath) Not again.
[The procession makes its way to the front.]
Karkaroff:Dumbledore! (Opens his arms to embrace Dumbledore.)
Dumbledore:(stays back and crosses his own arms) You’re late.
Karakaroff:I brought chocolate…
Dumbledore:(s) All is forgiven! (Runs forward and hugs Karkaroff tightly.)
Karkaroff:That is enough, my friend.
Dumbledore:(Lets go) And now, we (s) feast.
END OF EPISODE SEVEN